Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Thoughts on Torture

With the whole Abu Ghraib scandal fading into history, I think it's time to give my thoughts on torture. I support torture wholeheartedly... but I feel the US government is too lenient. Palestinian hangings, sodomy, electric shocks? Gimme a break. Here's a list of the REAL DEAL when it comes to torture.

Force prisoners to:
1. Eat a burrito from Bulldog Burrito- the rice is terrible, the meat is dry... if this isn't torture I don't know what is
2. Take an hour-long elevator ride with a quasi-acquaintance who he kind of knows but has nothing to talk about with
3. Lose a poker hand to Unidentified Lesbian and not be allowed to hit her when she talks about your bad play
4. Go to a store and have them not redeem your "free 20 oz. Coke" bottle cap because they don't participate in that contest- this one may be the worst, it may be too inhumane for my tastes
5. Play a long PokerStars tournament and then lose the connection during a crucial hand late in the tourney
6. Read a Rick Reilly column in the back of Sports Illustrated
7. Enroll in a Film Studies seminar at Yale
Have Terri Schiavo as their teammate in a game of charades- "Goddamnit, Terri, How does drooling and occasionally smiling signal to me Revenge of the Nerds?!"

NOTE: Feel free to add on to this list in the comments section- unless it's "9. Read Not About Delino Deshields blog." That would be deleted and I would hunt down the perpetrator to the ends of the earth.



10. Read a blog with two contributors, day after day, hoping against hope that someday the second one will post. Is this on purpose? Does Tom have the intention of posting ever, or is his name just up there for the saps to keep coming back?

Al said...

could be wrong, but i think dan is a little off his game. i just read the "torture" post. come on, dan. don't force it. let the funny pass through you like rain.

ok, i get it. the burritos at bulldog burrito are not that tasty i guess. good joke.

ok, i get it. the woman is in a coma, so she would be bad at charades. good joke.

and a lot of this is recycled material. i mean the elevator scenario, the unidentified lesbian.. i've seen this movie before.

also, the whole concept of the torture post is totally tasteless, but that of course is a minor issue.

anyway, i think dan is off his game and you should too. if you agree with me, tell him so next time you see him. he loves that.

edit to add: ok, i'll give you the predator/knight thing. but the rest still applies.

Anonymous said...

I dunno, I like the recurrent UL theme. Though I'd have worked with the asinine post-hand commentary a bit more.