Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Free Market

A few years ago, my father handled a small legal matter for the owner of Bagelworks, a local bagel store near my house. Ever since then, the owner, an avuncular Hungarian woman, has adored my father and given him free bagels as a token of appreciaton for his help.

The other day, my father walked into Bagelworks for his weekly bagels, and was greeted with the usual "Meester Berger! My friend!" "Nice to see you. How's business?" responded my father, as the conversation proceeded with the usual patter. But suddenly, the owner got very serious--

Bagelworks Owner: Meester Berger, I have another legal matter to discuss with you. Please come to the back room.

My Dad: What is it?

Bagelworks Owner: You see, a new bagel store opened down the block, and we're having a little trouble. I was wondering if you could do something about it?

My Dad: So what happened, did it infringe on your copyrighted name?

Bagelworks Owner: No, I... I want you to SHUT IT DOWN!

My Dad: Are they not zoned for retail? I can check with the City Council.

Bagelworks Owner: No, no council, just SHUT IT DOWN! SHUT IT DOWN!

My Dad: This isn't Hungary--in America, you can't put your competitor out of business simply because you don't want competition.

Bagelworks Owner: Of course I cannot Meester Berger. I am just a simple shopkeep. But you are a man of the law. You can do whatever you want! SHUT IT DOWN, Meester Berger, I beg you.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good use of avuncular.

Anonymous said...

it's hard to use avuncular poorly

Nostradamus said...

Masterful, thank you, very inspiring.

Anonymous said...

I guess we can put this one in the category of "my father is rich and powerful enough for peasants to adore him as a god among men, and thanks to him I have a trust fund which supports my writing of blog posts about my dad."

The people want to know: how do you stay this sharp?

Adolf Hitler said...

When an opponent declares, "I will not come over to your side," I calmly say, "Your child belongs to us already... What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community."

Mulatto Jesus said...

Adolf Hitler's dead and wouldn't have spoken English if he were alive. Dan, I also had a word with your dad. Apparently I'm pretty close to having Delino shut down.