Wednesday, March 29, 2006

NSA Spying Scandal Exclusive

When President Bush's warrantless NSA spying program was revealed in December, it caused a lot of objections and anger from liberals and civil libertarians. They claimed it was not only illegal but UNNECESSARY. As to the former, i'll leave that to the Perry Masons of the blogosphere. But our sources have given Delino an exclusive scoop into the inner workings of the system before the NSA spying program, and after you read it, you will definitely not deem the program unnecessary.

Here is a transcript that shows how the NSA used to obtain possible terrorists' cell phone numbers, pre-spying program, in a typical case:

[Alberto Gonzales sits at a bar in a Muslim part of Washington, DC. He has come here a couple times in the last few weeks and has been chatting up the men sitting next to him for a little while tonight. He is drinking an Amstel Light.]

Gonzales [addressing Ahmed, seated to his right]: Man, I had a great time tonight. Let's meet up again this weekend, maybe some soccer, a movie, whatever. (taking out his cell phone) I'll give you a ring, we'll set it up. So what're your digits?

Ahmed: Actually, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Gonzales: Oh that's cool. How 'bout I give you my number, and then you call me and I store your shit. Save some time. I'm 202-365-9054.

Ahmed: Uhh... yeah. I really gotta go. Maybe I'll catch you around here again though.

Gonzales: Seriously, it'll only take a second.

Ahmed: Sorry, I'm just out the door.
[Ahmed exits bar]
[Gonzales turns to Mohammed, on his left]
Gonzales: Hey, Muhammed, my man. So, funny story. I'm on a business trip and I'm taking a bath at the hotel. My wife calls the cell and starts yapping to me about how the kids need to be driven to Little League, or soccer practice, I dunno, some bullshit. So I say, "Oh really honey, that's very important, continue," putting the phone on the side of the tub so I can just relax while she's yammering. But all of a sudden I get a call from my buddy John, the phone vibrates, and BAM! It's in the water. Phone's fucked, SIM card's fucked. Now I need to recompile all the contacts. So what's Ahmed's number again?

Muhammed: I'm not sure.

Gonzales: Really? You guys seemed like friends, so I just figured you'd know it. Hey what about your number, I mean I'd love to hang out this weekend. How's your Saturday looking?

Muhammed: Oh, you know what, I just remembered I've got a thing. Sorry I couldn't help you out. Later.
[Muhammed exits bar]

p.s. check out Tom's debut post at The Delino Factor for Kids

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