Thursday, March 02, 2006

Baby murderer sentenced to 30 years in prison… for stealing pizza.

Former child star Lionel Tate, who at the tender age of 12 committed his first murder, struck a plea bargain today. The sentence: 30 years in prison. The crime: armed robbery of 4 large pepperoni pizzas.

On a steamy Wednesday evening in May 2004, a hungry and Play Station weary Mr. Tate ordered 4 pizzas from Papa John’s. Mr. Tate was prepared, but not to pay the $22.87 due. Rather than greet the deliveryman at the door, Mr. Tate sprung out from behind bushes armed with a handgun. The delivery driver dropped the pizzas and ran, but Mr. Tate chased after him hoping to score some extra garlic butter.









Lionel Tate pictured here wearing a Hamburglar costume.

Prosecutors had plenty of evidence tying Mr. Tate to the robbery, including his fingerprints on three of the four pizza boxes. Ellis Rubin, Mr. Tate's lawyer, called the evidence against his client "overwhelming" and said he was satisfied with the plea deal in between nibbles of Pizza Huts new Cheesy Bites™.

“You are in a deep dish of trouble” said Judge Lazarus of the Broward County Circuit Court, comparing today’s ruling with the thin crust sentence of ‘time-out’ and probation Mr. Tate had been serving for murdering a baby in 1999.

Outside the court house delivery drivers rejoiced. “It’s a real victory,” said Ronny Baldo after the hearing. “I just didn’t feel safe delivering pizza with Terrible Tate on the streets.” Mr. Tate's mother, Kathleen Grossett-Tate, blotted oily tears from her face with some paper napkins and said she felt relieved with the plea. "It's very emotional," she said. "I'm very hopeful Dominos will now deliver."

8 comments:

Hercule Poirot said...

sanoj = jonas backwards, hmm...
Either way, funny post

Nostradamus said...

Great post Sanoj.

Mulatto Jesus said...

If this post was a pizza, it would definitely be a supreme.

Anonymous said...

DAN
Have you ever heard of a man named
Ramanujan?

RICH nods his head.

RICH
Yeah.

DAN
He was alive over a hundred years ago.
He was Indian. Dots, not feathers...

DAN (cont'd)
So this Ramanujan lived in a tiny hut
in India. No formal education, no
access to other blogs. But he came
across an old Delino post and from this
basic text he was able to extrapolate
theories that had baffled bloggers
for years.

DAN
He mailed it to a professor at Cambridge who immediately
recognized the brilliance in his work
and brought Ramanujan to England.

They worked together for the remainder
of their lives, producing some of the
most exciting blog theory ever done.
Ramanujan's genius was unparalleled,
Rich. Sanoj is like that. But
he's very defensive and I need someone
who can get through to him.

RICH
Why me?

DAN
I need someone with your kind of
background.

RICH
My kind of background?

DAN
You're from the same neighborhood.
Park Avenue.

RICH
He's from Parkie?

Dan said...

anonymous, have you been warrantlessly wiretapping my conversations with Rich?

Anonymous said...

this post is terrible. pizza hahahahaha.

Rich said...

i think that sanoj is actually the third kalpoe brother.

Anonymous said...

DRUDGE REPORT: Tate killed Natalee and ate her to hide the delicious evidence!