Saturday, April 02, 2005

rip mitch hedberg: a guy who likes to boat

for those of you who don't know, legendary comedian mitch hedberg died on march 30, 2005. the cause of death was "heart failure."

from some newspaper article:

"[Hedberg's mother] characterized speculation that his death was drug-related as 'gossiping. We don't know that for a fact,' but added, 'It's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know.'"

here's a tribute to mitch:

"My apartment is infested with Koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.'"

"My friend asked me if I want a frozen banana. I said, "No... but I want a regular banana later, so.... yeah."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I mumble while I'm on stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. So he'll say 'What?' So I'll say it again but once again he doesn't hear me. So he says 'What?' But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying. But now i'm yelling, 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY.'"

"You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a bee-bee gun."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. You will only see 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"

"I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. Then at the airport a guy came up to me and said 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back and said 'Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.'"

"I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote 'I rarely.. drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"

"My roommate said 'I'm going to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Man, I just lost my wallet. But this song is funky. Fuck it.'"

"On a traffic light, Green means 'go' and Yellow means 'yield.' But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' Yellow means 'go ahead,' and Red means 'Where the fuck you get that banana at?'"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I like to close my eyes on stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."

"I like vending machines because snacks are always better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."

"I bought a doughnut and the guy gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut man, I give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut man, I got the documentation right here. Oh shit, it's at home, in the file, under D.'"

"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."

"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"

"You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but means the same thing. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly."

"This guy gave me a drug for attention defecit disorder. He's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and I'd get all mad and shit. 'Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story. I'm on pills here.'"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. 'Come on 4 billion. Fuck. 7. I'm gonna need some more dice. 4 billion divided by 6, at least.'"

"I was on 'That 70's Show' one episode, I put it on my acting resume. It was my first acting gig, my acting resume before that was sparse. It was bullshit, I had to make things up. 'Acting experience, okay, when I play pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn't care.'"

"As a comedian I always get in these situations where I'm auditioning for movies or sitcoms. As a comedian, they want you do other things besides comedy. 'OK, you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act. Act in this sitcom.' They want you do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, it's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they say 'OK, you're a good cook. But can you farm?'"

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