Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Mulatto Jesus Supreme Court Nomination Hearing

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Now Mr. Jesus, you went to the University of Michigan is that correct?

Mulatto Jesus: Uh, yes. Yes sir.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: And on the evening of September the 16th, 2004, you met a young woman named Ashley Perkins is that right?

Mulatto Jesus: I-I don't recall.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Well whether you recall or not, Ms. Perkins was visiting her friend Britney Wilson that night in Ann Arbor. And she was considering transferring from SUNY Oneonta to Michigan in the spring.

Mulatto Jesus: Ah yes, now I remember.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Glad I jogged your memory, Mr. Jesus. That night you said to Ms. Perkins, and I quote, "You gotta come to Michigan - it's the number one party school in America."

Mulatto Jesus: I-I think I said something like that, yes.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: No Mr. Jesus, you said exactly that. And yet according to Playboy Magazine, for the year 2004, the University of Michigan was only ranked the #7 Party School in America.

Mulatto Jesus: I just meant it was a really great party school

Sen. Lindsay Graham: But you didn't say "great" party school, Mr. Jesus. You said "Number One" party school. I checked Playboy's rankings and in fact Michigan wasn't even the Number One Party School in the Midwest. That honor went to the University of Wisconsin.

Mulatto Jesus: Well I seem to recall a U.S. News and World Report ranking of party--

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mr. Jesus, don't come into the halls of Congress and try to tell me that U.S. News and World Report's rankings of party schools can even compare to Playboy's. Playboy's been in this game for 49 years - U.S. News didn't even mention schools' party scenes until the Bush Administration.

Mulatto Jesus: Why do you care about this? I didn't even hook up with that girl - I was just drunk and making idle chat. I guess I got confused.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Got confused? Lied? Mr. Jesus can't even keep his story straight. This is why I care, Mr. Jesus - because if you are playing fast and loose with the rock-solid precedent of Playboy's party school rankings, then Lord knows what else you'd toss out the window in order to get your way - over 200 years of case law? The Bill of Rights? The Constitution of the United States of America? You, Mr. Jesus, and your activist judging ways, are what is wrong with American jurisprudence in the 21st century!
(beat)
I yield the remainder of my time to Senator Lieberman.



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Guy whose name is ASDF

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Yeah we canceled your order because we figured it was some guy just typing random stuff on his keyboard as a prank

Guy whose name is ASDF: But if my name were Joe you'd have sent me the sweater? Look I have rights you know. I'm a human being!

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Well we were thinking about sending it out but then we saw your email was "asdf@asdf.com" and we were sure it was fake

Guy whose name is ASDF: What's your name?

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Mark

Guy whose name is ASDF: If you could get Mark@Mark.com wouldn't you make that your email address? I mean I don't think I'm being unreasonable here - if--

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Look man, do you want the sweater or not?

Guy whose name is ASDF: Of course I want the sweater! Now just to clarify, the address is 2473 slfjsldfj --

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Alright nice try buddy

[dial tone]

Guy whose name is ASDF: Hello? HELLO? Goddamnit. I guess I'll just have to start calling myself Asher again.
[sigh]