Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Phalaenopsis Thief

John Laroche: Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish." I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. And there hasn't been a time where I have stuck so much as a toe back in that ocean.
Susan Orlean: But why?

John Laroche: Done with fish.

These days I have more or less exhausted Dan Munz's vaunted poetic classics. Nothing ever really matched the elegant beauty of his Ode to the Camarones, the Valentine's Sonnet. Gainesville is a pretty place most days. Today it rained and the sky was gray. But the sun peaked through the clouds, enough so to illuminate the green of the oaks, and the Spanish moss that hang on them. The Snot Icicles, as Vikram so nicely refers to them as. They say one can still see Buffalo out in Payne's Prairie, beyond the city limits. Gainesville has its natural beauty. The day's come and go, talking of Michelangelo. So what is there left to do really? Football season is long gone, and basketball too. No one is in the baseball mood these days. My research in Genetics is reaching it’s end. Nothing really worked, although some progress was made. One could say. Soon I will be graduated. I took a ride this morning to Bay Islands Coffee Shop. It is neither a shop, nor in a bay. It is an Island of sorts, I suppose. It is a tiny little shack with a Man in it. You drive up to it; I should mention it is located in the middle of a parking lot. It resembles the photo developing shack Pete and Pete's girlfriend worked in. I usually order a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel, and coffee with milk, sugar, and ice. I did so again today. Sadly, Gainesville does not have a Zoo. As one of my professors once said, the Pet Supermarket will have to suffice. After my coffee and bagel, I drove to Lowes Home Improvement Warehouse.

I had a lot of help along the way with my research, especially from one of the Chinese graduate students. I never really understood anything she said, but it's the thought that counts. I figured she would like a flower, as a token of my appreciation for her help. So I went to the gardening section outside the store and looked around for a little bit. Nothing really caught my eye. Then I saw a Bonsai tree, and almost got it, but remembered that it’s a Japanese thing, and how the Chinese are still a little sore after the Rape of Nan king and all. So I didn't get it. As I was walking in the store originally, I noticed an exceedingly beautiful cashier. Remembering this, I went to ask her some advice as to what flower to get for Ms. Liu. She mentioned that Orchids are always a good gift flower. So I walked to the back of the gardening section and picked out a gorgeous purple Phalaenopsis. "This should do" I thought. I mean, how many days and nights, and weekends, and endless hours, did she try explaining things to me, in vain? Liu: "Wortex Rightry" ... Me: "Huh? .... Oh! Vortex Lightly, thanks!"

"Orchids are always good... No, I haven't seen it."

So I picked out the purple plant, and as I was walking back, an old lady said, rather curmudgeonly, "Oh that's pretty." I said "thanks" and kept walking. Then another old woman said "Oh that’s pretty." It was kind of weird to hear two old women say exactly the same thing. I wonder if they are in some Orchid Society here in town. I wonder if I will come up in conversation in one of their meetings next month. Did you see that young lad buy the purple one? Oh wasn't it precious! It felt as if they were waiting their whole life just to say, "my god what a beautiful flower, you picked a nice one kid."

"Oh, that's pretty."

"Oh, that's pretty."

I walked up to the cash register to pay, plant in hand. I thanked the cashier, whose name I cannot recall, for the recommendation. Building up a little courage, she was surpassingly beautiful, may I remind you, I asked her if she had ever seen Adaptation. She hadn't. I tried explaining the plot, but explaining Adaptation is a little difficult. She seemed disinterested. But I wonder, how many others have asked her if she has seen the movie? I mean a lot of people must buy orchids. She has probably worked in that section of the store for sometime. Maybe she has seen it. Maybe everyone asks her that. She was a blonde. "A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window" as Mr. Marlowe would say.

The rain began again; it didn't stop for a long time.

"Yeah, it's a really good flick."

Some Orchid thieves. (2003)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Best Buy

So I had a few dollars left over on my Best Buy gift card from Hanukah, and I couldn't really decide what I wanted. Then I remembered how awesome Winged Migration was and how it would make a good present for my Biology professor at the end of the semester. So I drove to Best Buy today to spend the remainder of the funds when I saw a... Kid on a Leash.

I haven't seen one of these suckers used since I went to Six Flags Atlantis Water Theme Park in North Miami when I was in Second Grade. (It was eventually closed because a girl died after falling off a particularly high water slide around 1992.)

I mean for crissakes, what's wrong with people? I was shocked to see people still using these on kids.

I had figured that technology has advanced atleast so far since '92 that we could expect remote control shock collars for toddlers by now. Well, it's Gainesville, what can you expect? I bet kids in Manhattan have Wi-Fi designer shock collars.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Superstar [no content]

So, for anyone interested (read: Nate Meyvis), I'm supposed to be on "Geraldo At Large," which apparently is Geraldo's show on Fox, tomorrow.

You can use this site to find out when it airs where you are.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Early Line

Our very own Alex "Yahtzem" Jacob is at 2000-1 to win the WSOP Main Event. So is Stevesbets, also known as Steve Jacobs. Oddly enough the site screwed up and called wrote Alex Jacobs and Steven Jacob. Should we all bet on Al?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Occam's Razor

Big surprise!? No. I think not.

So we find out today that Ms. Durham-Raleigh Crack Ho of the year is a liar.

Please see: No DNA matches found in Duke Rape case

Let me ask you what is more likely:

Scenario 1) Intelligent undergraduates at Duke University decide to stick their penises into the asshole of a most-likely HIV + stripper, beat her, and expect nothing will come of it. Neither criminal charges nor AIDS.


Scenario 2) A stripper claims she is raped, by RICH, WHITE MEN, so that she can receive compensation, above and beyond the single dollar bills people normally place betwixt her rump.

Now if her lying was not bad enough already, the black community descended upon the university and made a ruckus. What's so bad about that? Well, how often do African-American leaders cry foul over prejudice (read: prior to objective investigation) against their community? They, the Sharpton/Jackson types acted as if the "rape" was a foregone conclusion.

Now allow me to say that if the stripper was in fact raped, which is entirely possible, I feel quite sorry for her, and hope whomever is responsible is punished accordingly.

But what now? Is Duke not owed a big apology? Will it ever come?

A list of the rediculous carnival of bullshit that took place after the allegations:

Death threats were made against Duke students, including drive-by shootings. I guess the gangsta's atleast waited for the DNA evidence to come back. Good for them. What restraint!

The Lacrosse coach quit.

The season was cancelled.

Protests infront of the "Rape house"

Endless barrage of negative press, including a sappy NYTimes piece about the irreparable damage caused by these vile acts.

Perhaps someone should skin her.

From the NYTimes article:
Over the weekend, they told reporters that photos taken at the party show the woman was injured even before she arrived, and impaired, too. And while answering questions about their clients' legal troubles -- about a third of the current team has been charged in recent years with public urination, underage possession of alcohol and disorderly conduct -- they have suggested that the woman's own criminal past undermines her credibility.

They pointed to a June 2002 incident in which the alleged victim stole the taxi of a man to whom she was giving a lap dance at a Durham strip club. Court records say she led a sheriff's deputy on a winding chase at up to 70 mph, and tried to run him down as he approached the cab.

She pleaded guilty to misdemeanor counts of larceny, speeding to elude arrest, assault on a government official and driving while impaired, and spent some weekends in jail.


A full-page advertisement in the college newspaper on Thursday, taken out by the department of African and African-American studies along with other departments, called the situation a "social disaster."

Go Blue (White?) Devils!



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He'll always be Al to us

He may have fame and (more) fortune now, but Alex "Yahtzem" Jacob remains a humble and devoted blogger. Or so he said in his interview with Blogs and the Blogging Bloggers who Blog Them magazine for the May 2006 issue. One other excerpt was made available to the public:

Blog magazine: "So what are you going to do with all that money? Buy a car? Buy a night with someone else's wife? Set up a Delino DeShields blog scholarship fund?"
Al: "Actually, I plan on paying Hasbro an undisclosed sum in order to ensure that they make a new Shout About game available for my enjoyment every day for the rest of my life."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Immigration Question Hits Home

There's been a lot of talk lately about how we need Mexican illegal immigrants in this country because they take the many jobs that Americans simply won't do. These are the lowest, dirtiest, worst-paid, most dangerous jobs in the market, and, according to some, only Mexican immigrants will do them. Well we here at Delino thought that seemed like a pretty ridiculous idea, and dismissed it as a liberal fantasy.

So, when we posted this job on Craigslist, we expected to be flooded with e-mails from American citizens. But day after day went by, and no one was responding. Finally, after nearly a month, an illegal immigrant named Rico offered his services and Rich hammered out a deal with him under the table. Therefore, we are delighted to announce the new, revamped CHESS BABE OF THE MONTH, BY RICO. His first post should be any day now...