Thursday, July 20, 2006

A new twist on an old favorite

Courtesy of a friend of Delino, these are some Zagat reviews that are still waiting to be published (it is especially instructive to compare some of the reviews here to my own reviews in the Marquis restaurant guide):

Sushi Seki
1143 1st Ave
New York 1002

Food: 27
Decor: 18
Service: 25

This uptown sushi haven serves important sea creatures who are sincerely grateful to be devoured. Regulars describe the scallop hand roll as "so normal," and even some of the most conservative gourmandes have farted comfortably and giggled after enjoying Seki's signature toro. Romantics swear that the king crab rolls guarantee a night of slippery love-making, but adventurers beware: skeptics warn that if you end up with jalapeno "bullshit" on your omakase plate, the diarrhea session will be "so severe," you'll feel as if you did the "anal waltz" with "Tyrone Wheatley."

La Houppa
26 E. 64th St. (bet. 5th & Madison Aves.)
Tel: (212) 317-1999

Food: 15
Service: 19
Decor: 17

You cannot be sure if the Maitre D' is "into you" or "wants your family tortured" at this upper east side niche, where you'll find a combination of Italian and Mediterranean cuisine that makes you "ponder your childhood." Though the waitstaff is "lean" and "handsome," and the calamari "goes crunch where it's supposed to," regulars warn that many dishes "go down smooth, but slip out smoother." The outdoor patio can be "life-affirming" in the evening if you order "seven bouteilles" and the temperature is "healthy," but order a twenty dollar pizza out there on a cold afternoon and you will "regret your birth" and spend the rest of the day "masturbating and crying hysterically." The gnocchi is "bold" but the fish specials are "gaunt," though one reviewer confessed that the sesame crusted cod "significantly improved the flavor and texture of [his] semen."

915 Third Avenue @ 55th Street

Food: 23
Service: 14
Decor: 14

Not even a "pumpernickel" from "Greenbrier Backcountry" would front when it comes to this midtown speakeasy's grilled hamburgers, which are "so juicy and stupid" it's almost impossible to breathe. When asked how he was enjoying them, one reviewer mumbled "fuck you" as he bit into his eighth. Sure you'll pass "suits" at the bar, "blowing smoke" out of their "rear ends" and "swallowing Budweiser," but sneak to a back table for a "wholesome sehkkle" and you won't care if your acne is affecting your shadow. If you order the half and half you'll need to "change your underpants a few times," but regulars confirm it's "only a small scene." Whether you decide to "shleep shleep" the french fries or "oh no" the home ones, beware the lump crab cake which is actually "lump BM." The soft shell crab special, however, can prove an "appreciated detour" from the "obvious meat," but if you order it the waitress will "know you're gay." As for dessert, you "might as well" order two more cheeseburgers, though if sliding a slice of PJ's chocolate cake "deep" into your tush is wrong, you may not want to be right.

Session 73
1359 1st Ave
Phone: 212-517-4445

Service: 12
Decor: 17
Appeal: 25

"My niggas don't creep they just rip a washleep and, put some Jack away" at this uptown "kiddie korner" where camp friends, old high school cronies, and ex-girlfriends "flow like the alcohol and your last swiss." There will be no reason to sweat the artistic merits of what leaks out of your tush after a night out at "Sheshins," as it will likely "boast colors that Jackson Pollock
overlooked." Enthusiasts protest: "So what? It's comfortable and everyone has a little in them so it's easy to walk away blameless from a beer blast." Even though the scene is reminiscent of "an eighth grade dance party without the adult supervision," one regular comments, "It's both the best and worst play you can make in any given evening." Ultimately, the drinks and the crowd "smooth out your skin," and "bulk up your shoulders," and though it is impossible to know which is louder, the live band or your last shot of Jameson, if you glide towards the sofas with "a stiff drink in one hand and a stiff bitch in the other," you'll "forget you're almost 30."

Yes Tom, I know that we have discussed this idea before, but someone else actually wrote these up.

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