Sunday, February 25, 2007

Big Show in Crazytown

Welcome back to yet another orgiastic evening of awards show obsessing, ogling, and a little bit of analysis with me, That Girl, your humble entertainment affiliate here at Delino. Everybody knows tonight’s the night of nights in H-wood, as in the Academy Awards. You did know that right? Anyway, in a first, I actually entered an official pool this year, so I’ve got some money riding on this thing, and I’ll be letting you know my picks throughout the night. Exciting right? No? Well, duh I’ll also be giving you whatever even semi-related gossip I can offer, and I’ll be getting drunk. So here’s to entertainment and inebriation! Now let’s get on to the show:

8:04—HD is sick! The knobs on Lisa Ling's knees look so weird. Oh, and in a classic lame move, the real show doesn't start til 8:30. We've got a half-hour of official ABC pre-bullshit going on here.
8:06—Jennifer Hudson, this was supposed to be your night. So why the astronaut shrug? No really, why? I don't care what Andre Leon Talley said, he had more fashion sense when he was a house.
8:12—I can't help it, I do love Penelope Cruz's dress. However, her accent still bugs the shit out of me. I don't know why. It's like beautiful latin nails digging into my ears as they bleed and bleed and bleed, and Pedro Almodovar directs the whole thing.
8:14—There very well may be some intense bearding going on, but I love the Pinkett-Smith family.
8:15—Cameron Diaz looks terrible. Her dress is too tight and the hem is off. Score 50 million 137 for Justin Timberlake.
8:16—Lisa Ling asks Eddie Murphy if he's always this mellow and somehow manages to make it sound like an insult.
8:17—Cate Blanchett looks wonderful, but Andre Leon Talley is being weird. I do love him, but his ebulience is creeping me out.
8:19—Ryan Gosling is a dream. Arms flanked around Mom and sister and it's the sexiest thing in the world. I wish I could see him give Rachel McAdams a forehead kiss, but this'll do.

I'll take advantage of this commerical break to let you know about my special guest tonight, a far wittier man than I, and the ultimate Dreamgirls authority, Matt. One night only people, so savor him. Aside from occasional quips thoughout the evening, he will be offering definitive judgement on the performances of Dreamgirls' three Best Original Song nominees. So get wet for that.

8:26—Helen Mirren looks very elegant, and as usual, her breasts look great. Very sparkly.

8:30—And we're on! People against a white background acting natural. They're trying to tell us it's going to be a different, breezier Oscars this year. Or maybe just self-indulgent, like every year.
8:36—Ellen looks great. Red Velvet tux a great move. She looks totally comfortable and that's good. Not like Mr. Wrong. When she looked like she wanted to die. Also, her hair looks really good. I'm guessing Sally hershberger gave her a shag today. Like a shag haricut, not a shag, because I don't think Portia would allow it.
8:41—"Abigail Breslin looks like a cake top." -Matt
8:42—Thank god, J.Hud lost the NASA regulation jacket, but guess which pic the fashion column will run tomorrow. I'm guessing the ugly one.
8:43—This diversity stuff is getting weird. I don't like it.
8:44—Here comes gospel. And dancing!
8:45—Gues who's dress is stupid?! Nicole Kidman! Your face has been become strange and unworldly Nicole, and not in a good way. Pan's Labyrinth wins, which was Matt's pick. I said Dreamgirls in my office pool, so thus far I'm a big loser. Fuck me.
8:48—Maggie looks good, but they gave her a weird script to read, and it makes me feel icky. No more magicians or wizards. These are the tech awards, not Hogwarts student prizes.
8:49—Uh-oh, we took a wrong turn into weirdville with the tumbling oscar silhouette dancers.
8:54—Comedian at the Oscars! Brilliant. Comedians can sing, better than serious actors. Jack Black played Pippin in high school, and he wore spandex, all spandex. And he was great. Also, so was that number. And the girl from burritoville we ordered dinner from we think has a terminal illness. You'd think the oScars would cheer her up a little.
8:57—Makeup. Another Pan's Labyrinth. Schneier's two for two. Also, for all of you out there who are scratching your heads, they've put all the actor awards in the back third of the show this year in an effort to keep ratings from slipping as the show goes on. That is the hottest makeup girl I have ever seen, but they're still gonna cut her speech short.
8:59—Kids presenting! Cute and awkward all at the same time. Get it, they're short, so they're presenting the short film award. Laura Ziskin is so clever. Laura Ziskin is the show's producer, by the by. She also produces the Spider-Man movies, so she clearly knows how to produce things. Jaden is funny. Kid's gonna be huge.
9:02—"Why does she have man arms?" Matt on short film winner. Also, don't wear a dress with cutouts unless you're Jessica Alba.
9:04—I don't know what West Bank story is, but I want to see it. Because when jews sing, I laugh.
9:05—Gwenyth shot to validate sentiments of short film winner.
9:06—Iwo Jima. BO-ring. Is that wrong to say?
9:07—Matt, a literature major, maintains that the battle of Iwo Jima was in Vietnam. He is now forcing me to check Wikipedia. We can all laugh at him. I'll be back in 20 seconds.
9:08—Matt accepts his error. The sad thing is he actually thought there was I chance I would be wrong on that one. I may not actually know my history that well, but don't fuck with me on the subject of Oscar nominated films. I mean really, I will rock you.
9:11—Sound Effects choir. Little known fact, among the many other things she did before I was born and was so fun to be around she never wanted to leave my side, my most awesome mother used to be a Foley sound effects artist, like with stalks of celery and newspapaers and stuff. Sick right?
9:14—Beyonce brought her Dad instead of Jay-Z. I'm a little worried about that.
9:14—Sound editing made funny by Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear. Good call by Laura Ziskin to have the funny people present the categories people would otherwise not give a shit about, and leave the big categories to the boring, imprtant people.
9:16—Paul Haggis is such an asshole. Also, he is responsible for the worst movie of all time. Let me hear what it is people, shout it out. That's right, you said it—Crash. Piece of shit.
9:17—Mark my words, James McAvoy is the next hot dude you are going to want to bone. Atonement's coming people, and he plays Robbie Turner, only one of the hottest characters ever. Plus, listen to that Scottish brogue. Also, I like Jessica Biel's dress, even though her arsm are a little intense. I worked out next to her a few times this summer, and let me tell you, that chick does a perfect lunge.
9:21—Best Supprting Actor. My official pick: Eddie Murphy. But I could get fucked here. Especially by that wily Alan Arkin.
8:23—Alan Arkin. He deserves it, but I am getting totally scewed in this pool. Oh whatever, now I'm really getting drunk. Also, I loved Alan Arkin in Indian Summer. He's so sweet. He got me when he got choked up.
9:26—I was ready to say interpretive dance is stupid. Then they made themselves look like penguins, and I smiled.
9:30—Might as well tell you now. My official oick for best picture is the Departed.
9:31—Randy Newman and James Taylor singing the song from Cars. When I was 8 I had to listen to James Taylor faslling asleep, and it led to a huge fight between my cousin Joanna and I when we shared a bedroom. We got over it, but let me tell you, it was intense.
9:34—Etheridge. Inconvenient Truth song. I'm betting there's gonna be a big global warming moment later in the show.
9:36—And I'm right. the show's gone green. Me too. With nausea.
9:38—Leo and Al Gore. Good sport gag of the night.
9:42—Ryan Gosling seated next to Meryl Streep. Hot.
9:44—Aww. Happy Feet. "Animated Characters are allowed to be a lot more disappointed than actual humans." Matt.
9:45—Nancy Meyers montage on writers in movies. I am happy.
9:49—Mirren and Hanks. Big Guns for Adapted Screenplay. My pick: Departed. But I want Children of Men. I also would have wanted it for Best Picture, but apparently not enough Academy Members saw what I think was one of the best movies of the last decade.
9:53—One for me. Hello. Love that William Monahan (not Tess's Dad, that's Willy Monaghan) totally admitted he was on Valium. Also, cool for shouting out Thelma. Don't cut writer's speeches short producers, you motherfuckers.
9:56—Okay kids, I need a breather. I'm passing it to Matt for a bit, but rest assured, I'll be back.

9:58—In the soon-to-be immortal words of the iPhone commercial, hello. Milch is resting so I, Matt, without the cover of a nickname, am here to guide you through the Academy Awards the way only a homosexual can. And we're back.
9:59—Ellen's Oscar-Bjorn looks like a 14k strap-on. Coincidence?
10:00—"Meryl has outacted them with a look." —Milch
10:03—Requisite Marie Antoinette award. Sofia's pop has greased the wheel of Hollywood, and made way for this tiny woman in a bolo tie. Also, she just called the Academy Award a doll. Now she's thanked Stanley Kubrick, "my great master." I am really trying to stay away from these BDSM jokes but they are not making it easy.
10:04—And now Tom Cruise. They are just begging for gay shit. I won't dignify this with a comment.
10:07—I don't know if you've heard, but Sherry Lansing appears to have cured cancer.
10:09—"She has done three weeks of hardcore old-lady anorexia to prepare for this moment." Milch
10:11—Ellen DeGeneres: biggest Spielberg fan since Dawson Leery?
10:12—Milch thinks Gwyneth looks great. Noted.
10:13—Children of Men?
10:14—Pan's Labyrinth! Oh, balls.
10:16—Little Miss Sunshine dance performance. "They're going to be a bus!" Milch. They are a bus. Good call, Milch.
10:20—Naomi Watts is pregnant! Can we confirm this? I would say her cans look slightly bigger and she is mildly perspiring. I am going to take that as a big yes.
10:21—Official Break to Denigrate Emmy Rossum.
10:22—Pirates of the Caribbean wins. Please use this time to continue denigrating Emmy Rossum.
10:23—This one time, I was on line at the convenience store, and Emmy Rossum totally cut in front of me and I was like, Emmy Rossum, you are a huge bitch and no one saw Phantom of the Opera. And she was all, who are you to talk to Emmy Rossum like that? And I was all —
Okay, that was Matt's Emmy Rossum hating session, I'll continue with mine. So I was getting on a plane, and first row is this girl with fat thighs, and I look at her face, and it's Emmy Rossum. And I look at her and with my eyes I say, "I know who you are Emmy Rossum, and I know you have fat thighs. Go fuck yourself you talentless cunt." Really, my eyes said all that.
10:30—Foreign: Pan's my pick. But Lives of Other's takes it, as I thought it could. I really want to see it, my mom said it's amazing, but I am getting fucked in the office pool. Lives of Others winner is breathless. But it's cute how excited he is.
10:32—Ellen's doing shadow puppets. Snakes on a Plane. It's like the cat came back. He wouldn't stay away.
10:34—Clooney to present Supporting. J. Hud's moment? It's gotta be. This would be the hugest upset ever. J. Hud's my pick by the way, but I'm oddly nervous for her. What if Breslin takes it? or Rinko? This is so traumatic.
10:35—J. Hud. Thank god. What's she gonna say? What do Beyonce's tears mean?! Jennifer Holliday shout out at the last minute a good touch. I love Jennifer Hudson.
10:41—Wait a doggone minute. Is Brangelina not in attendance? Also, why is Gael Garcia Bernal the shortest hot man alive?
10:44—Seinfeld. I love him. He hit on my dear friend Greta once when she was running in the park and he was married. Hello Jerry.
10:47—Best Doc. Inconvenient Truth, don'tcha think? I do. Matt hated Jesus Camp. I didn't see it, but it certainly can't be as good as CAMP, which is one of my favorite movies ever. Oh, and I'm right about Inconvenient Truth. By the by, Davis Guggenheim is a really good guy, and he directed a lot fo Deadwood (yay Deadwood!). Nice Larry david reaction shot. Why is Al Gore now the funniest and most charming guy ever? Where was that 8 years ago? Imagine where we'd be. God, our president sucks.
10:50—Clint Eastwood is sexy for an old guy, but he is also boring.
10:55—Ennio Morricone has made some incredible music. Good thing they're giving him an award. Matt is now reading the Penguin guide to English literatire as Celine Dion sings. Now she is really like the catg that came back. Leave me alone Celine—goddamn you! Go back to Vegas and stay there!
10:59—If Ennio cries, I'm gonna cry. That's just what old Italian men do to me. I love that he's speaking Italian, does Clint speak it or is he reading from a teleprompter. I think he's translating off the cuff. This is really hot all of a sudden, hot and sweet at the same time. I wish Greta were here to tell me if Clint was translating correctly. Actually I just wishe she were here because I miss her. Okay, that's my sentimental moment for the night. GRETA COME BACK! I think this means I'm now drunk.
11:07—Score: Gustavo for Babel. And I'm right! Those of you who know me when I right papers know I have a very strange and deep love for Gustavo Santolalla and could not have completed my Senior Essay without him. SO as he thanks others, I thank him. Thank you Gustavo. Also, they used a piece of his music in Friday Night Light two weeks ago, which, for those of you who don't know, is the best show on television. WATCH FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! That was my public service announcement for the night.
11:09—What part has forced Jack Nicholson to shave his head. Is he playing Britney Spears?
11:12—Spiderman presentation. Nice subtle self-promotion Ziskin. You do well for yourself. Original Screenplay. My pick is Little Miss Sunshine. But there could be an upset here. I don't know. But I'm right.
11:20—Dreamgirls performance. Here's Matt—

11:21—Now I was weaned on the Original Cast Album to Dreamgirls, so these new songs really mean nothing to me, now that said
11:22—Sorry, Jennifer Hudson's breasts just erased my memory.
11:23—"Listen" — Sorry, BeyoncĂ©, I only listen to Academy-Award-winners. Ooh, burn! And where's Anika Noni Rose?
11:24—Does this remind anyone else of "The Boy Is Mine"?
11:25—BeyoncĂ© seems to have eradicated J. Hud. We must concede that she can, at least, sing.
11:26—Oh, here she is. Granted I am in the minority, but I love Anika Noni Rose.
11:27—This is just how they sing this song at my church. And by my church I mean BROADWAY.
11:28—"STANDING O. STANDING O. DO IT." Milch. But who will win it?
11:29—And the lesbian takes the gold. What a letdown. At least she is wearing earrings. Aren't they against that or something?
11:30—"We are all green? We are all DREAM. OK, that doesn't really work." Milch. Back to her.
11:38—Will Smith. What are you presenting Mr. Smith? Oh, Michael Mann montage on America. Will it be steely and awesome? Actually, it's really sort of awesome, and I'm pleasantly surprised that they let some of these clips in, although it is 11 fucking 38. God, I have work in the morning for chrissake.
11:40—"And now for the acadamy award for the best nation on earth..." Matt.
11:41—Kate Winslet presents editing. I'm going with Children of Men just becasue I want it to win something so badly, but I bet Departed or Babel takes it. Although United 93 could come from behind. Thelma Schoonmaker takes it. I do adore her so much.
11:44—Jodi Foster looks hot, but then I remembered her commencement speech at Penn last year, and I started to laugh, even though she's presenting the In Memoriam montage.
11:51—At least Ellen is acknowledging that this is the longest awards show ever.
11:52—Black suits with neon ties. "This is not your first warning Phillip" Matt. Okay, we all know who Best Actress is going to—Helen Mirren, she of the most lovely elderly tit any of us have ever seen. I love Meryl too, and Kate Winslet, but Helen is wiing this, so let's get to it.
11:54—Taylor Hackford is a lucky man. I bet Helen is a minx in the sack after a night like tonight. And she's gracious. The shout-out to Queen Elizabeth is nice, if a little weird at the end. But we all know what matters here. That chest. Beautiful.
12:00—Just so you all know, it is now midnight. Fuck.
12:01—Reese I love you! She looks great. Maybe the best of anyone. But Matt wonders if she had a chin implant, and I'm wondering with him. You've got to have Forest taking it, but I would love for Ryan to win, becuase I love him. Best reaction shot of night. But I've got to think if there's an upset it's O'Toole. Nothing left but to wait and see...
12:03—Forest. Cool. He's gonna cry I bet. God his eye weirds me out. His wife is really hot, and it seems like she loves him a lot. And his speech is actually quite wonderful. Plus he is so sick in Ghost Dog.
12:06—Big time directors present Director's award, does that mean Marty takes it? I hope so. He's my pick.
12:08—SCORSESE WINS! I am very happy. He deserves it, and I may be back alive in this officed pool after all. Here's to hoping my competitors know nothing. I love Martin Scorsese.
12:13—DIane Keaton looks fabulous. God I love her. Also, she's hooked up with everybody I love. Warren, Jack, Woody. Done, done, and done. That is so sick of her. Who's gonna win. I think Departed.
12:14—And I am right again. Sick! After last year's total debacle with that shit Crash, it's so nice to see a great movie win this award. I love the recognition of Leonardo DiCaprio as the best actor ever. I really think he will go down in history as such a one. With Ryan Gosling of course. And Helen Mirren's tits.

And on that note, I'm out.
Goodnight all, it's been a pleasure.


Rich said...

how weird was nicole kidman's dress?! it looked like that second part of it (by her neck) was supposed to close over her head or something

That Girl said...

Couldn't agree more. And her forehead is frozen.

Nostradamus said...

Great calls, especially on how shitty Crash was... Amazingly awful, no?

Anonymous said...

I think "That Girl" is really Tom playing some sort of sick fantasy of his.