Friday, July 27, 2007
Recently, there has been a lot of hoopla among the PETA/animal rights set about Michael Vick's alleged dogfighting ring. This is to be expected, as they complain about anything a reasonable male in his 20s might enjoy, like chicken paillard, fine leather shoes or a doorstop that is actually just the head of a meerkat.
What I really object to, however, is the mainstream press and liberal intelligentsia, who barely raise a peep about eating steak or having leather car seats but then are up in arms because of a dog fight. Isn't dog-fighting more humane than mechanized slaughter? Only ONE of the two dogs dies, as opposed to all of the cows. And that shit is Darwinian anyway- the weak dog didn't deserve to live.
This cow certainly wishes the mainstream media cared more about her than about dogs:
On the subject of cows and cattle, I have heard from an acquaintance who's spent time on a farm that when cattle and chickens are on the same farm, the cattle jumps atop the chicken and nuts on its stomach while screaming "HAAA! I taste so much better than you!"
If you ever want a souvenir of those encounters, try one of these canes, made out of REAL BULL'S PENIS!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
"In each of our recent investigations we've found men who have seen or heard about our "To Catch a Predator" shows and surprisingly, still show up to meet a young teen. I've gotten used to the fact that this will happen, but I have never seen anything like what happened in New Jersey.
There was actually one guy who came in and instantly recognized me. He told me that he was a religious "To Catch a Predator" viewer and that he never missed an episode. Before I could formulate my next question, he volunteered that he had heard me on a syndicated radio program and complimented me for doing a good job."
I have to say that this really isn't so surprising. Even if you knew you were about to be arrested for child molestation, wouldn't your first reaction be "Holy Shit it's Chris Hansen! Mega-baller! Actual God watches you all the time, he burned me a DVD of his favorite eps! Do the thing where you're like 'I'm Chris Hansen' - do it! Here's my question- what is the deal with the Decoy Girl? Is she an actor or something- do you put up a Craig's List ad for that shit, that must be weird? Does anyone have a camera I want to take a picture with Hansen? Wait what am I talking about there are three cameras right here filming us- duh!"
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Universal healthcare reform
It makes me warm
You tell the truth unlike the right
You can love but you can fight
You can Barack me tonight
I’ve got a crush on Obama
Well the real backstory is that - have you all seen Big Momma's House 2? Basically, what happened is that the latex makeup geniuses who made Martin Lawrence look like Grandmama applied the reverse process to our old pal political blogger Munz, making him look like a svelte brunette babe. Behind all that Latex, it is Munz singing those lines.
This is actually not Munz's family's first foray into the intersection of music and politics. I can't find it on YouTube now, but Munz's sister, Coretta Scott Munz, released a track in 1988 that was wildly popular. A lot of people actually blame the Dems' loss in '88 on Bob Shrum's decision not to use this as the campaign song:
You looked so good in that tank,
Yeah you can take that to the bank,
Tell George Bush to screw himself
But screw my bush yourself
please do bukakesss
with your cock-esss
on my stom-achs
p.s. in other political news, it turns out that Yasir Arafat died of the Super-AIDS. If only Beneficent Allah had warned him sooner!
Monday, July 16, 2007
"I want to remind the public that Dan is in a happy and healthy relationship with his girlfriend. And contrary to popular reports, Dan stocks his fridge with POLAND SPRING, a water he drinks while watching football and hunting deer. That is all."
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Folks, we've got a problem on our hands in Washington, DC today. And that problem is partisanship. Each side is hunkered down in its own camp, unwilling to listen to each other, or, more importantly, to those in the vital center.
On the left we have those who, under the guise of protecting "American jobs," would restrict free trade, thus shrinking the pie for both American workers and those in developing countries who rely on the world economy to lift them out of poverty. And on the right, we have those who, under the guise of protecting "American values," would force impoverished teenage girls to have babies they cannot afford to keep and would prevent two loving partners who happen to be of the same gender from having their relationship recognized by law.
Well, my fellow Americans, I've toured this great land, from the Rocky Mountains out West to the great plains of Iowa all the way to the Adirondacks. And in talking to the public at large, I've reached an astonishingly simple conclusion that can guide us as a nation as we confront the great problems of the 21st century... WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS SHIT?
That's right- most of the people in this country are fucking morons. They in turn elect fucking morons to Congress and a fucking moron President. With all these fucking morons running around in positions of power, PLUS all the rent-seeking and narrow special interest pursuits (as predicted by Public Choice Theory), how can you ever expect to change the status quo? You can go on about a carbon tax or scaling back antitrust laws or any other fucking obvious idea until you're blue in the face, but there'll always be Senator Fuckface (R-UT) or Commie ACLU Bitch to stop you. Face it- political change is impossible. Attempting that shit is just exhausting. So why bother even trying? My advice- don't try, JUST GIVE UP. Take up some other pursuit that is, I don't know, fun. Learn to play squash, read Bitker and Eustice's delightful tax law romp, write a restaurant review blog, who knows... the possibilities are endless!
I'd like to close with a little story. A while back, in my younger days, I was down in Yorktown, Virginia. Some call it the "birthplace of liberty"; it's where British General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington after a lengthy battle in 1781, effectively ending the Revolutionary War and marking the true beginning of America. It was there that the United States of America were forged from a mixture of blood, sweat and tears. Well anyway, I was at a diner there in Yorktown. And from all the signs up everywhere, I reckoned it was election season. So I sat right down at the counter and a pretty young girl, couldn't have been more than 17, asked me what I'd like. I told her I wanted apple pie, and she wrote it down, and she said "Apple pie's my favorite too." And we got to talking, and it turned out she was heavily involved with local Democratic politics.
"Congressman Stewart," she said, "well he's a Republican. And he voted to cut funding for after-school programs 'round here. And I tell ya I know first-hand that some of my friends, with the economy going south like it has, they used to sell drugs and steal cars, but then they started taking music classes after school. And boy, now one pal of mine is tryin' out for the all-state Flute competition, and another guy..." As she went on describing the need for after-school funding in rural areas, the only thought that came in my mind was, "Could I get a side order of your pussy to go with that pie?"
She continued, "and my friend Margine, she was raped by her daddy, and she had to drive all the way to North Carolina to get an abortion because Congressman Stewart pulled funding for the abortion clinic in town." Upon witnessing this pitiable spectacle I thought, "Your friend? Daddy likes... how about i eat one of you out while I finger-fuck the other one."
Finally, sensing she had to get back to her job, the young girl proclaimed, "I'm sorry, I know the Good Book tells me to turn the other cheek and to forgive sinners, but sometimes I just think Republicans are downright evil!" She slowly wiped away a tear from her soft white cheek, and at that moment I had a revelation... I should go to the bathroom and rub one out. And I did. You see how you can actually accomplish things when you focus on smaller, more personal goals?
Well, folks, thanks for the reading the book and may God Bless the United States of America!