Thursday, July 19, 2007

To Catch A Predator Fans

Check out this tidbit from the To Catch a Predator blog by Chris Hansen:

In each of our recent investigations we've found men who have seen or heard about our "To Catch a Predator" shows and surprisingly, still show up to meet a young teen. I've gotten used to the fact that this will happen, but I have never seen anything like what happened in New Jersey.

There was actually one guy who came in and instantly recognized me. He told me that he was a religious "To Catch a Predator" viewer and that he never missed an episode. Before I could formulate my next question, he volunteered that he had heard me on a syndicated radio program and complimented me for doing a good job."

I have to say that this really isn't so surprising. Even if you knew you were about to be arrested for child molestation, wouldn't your first reaction be "Holy Shit it's Chris Hansen! Mega-baller! Actual God watches you all the time, he burned me a DVD of his favorite eps! Do the thing where you're like 'I'm Chris Hansen' - do it! Here's my question- what is the deal with the Decoy Girl? Is she an actor or something- do you put up a Craig's List ad for that shit, that must be weird? Does anyone have a camera I want to take a picture with Hansen? Wait what am I talking about there are three cameras right here filming us- duh!"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

"Crush on Obama" Backstory

Maybe some of you have seen this new YouTube music video called "I Got a Crush on Obama." In it, a busty brunette lustily sings verses like

Universal healthcare reform
It makes me warm
You tell the truth unlike the right
You can love but you can fight
You can Barack me tonight
I’ve got a crush on Obama

Well the real backstory is that - have you all seen Big Momma's House 2? Basically, what happened is that the latex makeup geniuses who made Martin Lawrence look like Grandmama applied the reverse process to our old pal political blogger Munz, making him look like a svelte brunette babe. Behind all that Latex, it is Munz singing those lines.

This is actually not Munz's family's first foray into the intersection of music and politics. I can't find it on YouTube now, but Munz's sister, Coretta Scott Munz, released a track in 1988 that was wildly popular. A lot of people actually blame the Dems' loss in '88 on Bob Shrum's decision not to use this as the campaign song:

You looked so good in that tank,
Yeah you can take that to the bank,
Tell George Bush to screw himself
But screw my bush yourself
Michael Dukak-iiis
please do bukakesss
with your cock-esss
on my stom-achs

p.s. in other political news, it turns out that Yasir Arafat died of the Super-AIDS. If only Beneficent Allah had warned him sooner!

Monday, July 16, 2007


My Publicist, Eric Sloane Zelnick, has just released this STATEMENT regarding the recent slander published by my own brother on the Marquis Grissom blog:

"I want to remind the public that Dan is in a happy and healthy relationship with his girlfriend. And contrary to popular reports, Dan stocks his fridge with POLAND SPRING, a water he drinks while watching football and hunting deer. That is all."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sharon is STILL the New Schiavo

I can't remember who first coined the phrase "Sharon is the New Schiavo," but props to him or her. Because, despite not hearing a PEEP about this from the mainstream media, Ariel Sharon is STILL in a Persistent Vegitative State. But apparently Bill Frist, after looking at the doctored photo below, has determined that Sharon is not in a PVS. In any case, it is agreed upon by all medical experts that Sharon has special needs to keep him alive, so instead of the standard intravenous nourishment, he is being fed a steady diet of Cheeseburgers and Palestinian babies (see below):

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

History Lesson a la mode de Beneficent Allah

While at Ellis Island on Sunday, I was reminded of a piece of legislation I read about in American History class- The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882. Basically, America said "not so fast, Asiangs!"

Monday, July 09, 2007

Light Summer Reading

I went to the beach over the weekend, and when I got the train station I realized I hadn't brought a book. So I went over the Hudson News and bought whatever light popular summer fluff they had in the little paperback rack. It was pretty good, if a little light on plot: