Interaction on a Subway Platform

(A Metro employee in a Metro hat is reading the Metro newspaper he was just handing out to subway riders)

Me (shit-eating grin): Eatin' your own dog food over there, eh?
(beat)

Metro Employee: Dog Food? What the fuck you talkin' 'bout boy? You think because i don't live in your fancy-ass neighborhood I eat dog food?

Me: It's... no... it's just an expression- you're reading the newspaper that you...

Metro Employee (walking away in disgust): Unbelievable! We got a black president and this mothafucka thinks I eat dog food! Probably reads all the white Atlantic Bloggers, even that Megan McArdle, but not Ta-Nehisi Coates. Nothin' changes...

Guest Blogger: The Religious Liberal

There's this guy I've been talking to about politics, and lemme give you a few quotes from him and see if you can guess who he is:

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Against unbridled capitalism? Sounds like a real liberal WHACKJOB! Maybe it's Michael Moore?

"I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you"

What a left-wing LOON! Come on, this has gotta be one of those spineless Terrorist-Lovers like Nancy Pelosi, right?

"But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed,
because they cannot repay you."

Government handouts?! OK seriously who is this liberal FREAK, is it Al Franken?
...
...
...

Actually, that "liberal freak" is Jesus Christ! (You're probably saying to yourself 'Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ!') That's right, the messiah himself, the Son of God, Jesus H. Christ, was a liberal. You wouldn't know it from all the right-wing religious zealots who misrepresent Jesus and use Him for their hate-mongering, but Jesus was as liberal as Rachel Maddow (who He would love even if she's a lesbian)! Soon after Jesus was born in about 4 B.C. ('Before Christ,' not 'Before Conservatism'- sadly there were conservatives even in Jesus's time!)... read more

A Crazy Evening

Last night I was in an empty plot of land in the suburbs of Northern Virginia with 5windows. It was 1973. It was a rainy, stormy night with thunder crackling and lightning illuminating the sky like the flash from Tom's SLR camera. We had just ensured that the horrible Alternate 2029 from which 5windows and I had traveled (in which SeamlessWeb didn't exist, there was a GrubHub Casino, etc. - I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT!) would not come to pass, and were thrilled! We were talking to each other over walkie talkies- me on the ground, 5Windows flying above in the Delorean.

"Come down here, 5Windows!" I screamed. 5Windows tried to maneuver the Delorean to the ground when all of a sudden a BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRUCK THE DELOREAN! I ducked for cover and when I looked up, it was gone! Only two streaks of flames that looked like the number 99 remained. "5WINDOWS?" I nervously inquired into the walkie-talkie. Then I saw the string of multicolored flags that was attached to the back of the Delorean fall from the sky, burnt to a crisp. "NO! 5WINDOWS!!!!" I wailed. I cried and cried as the rain poured down on me.

But just then, a nerdy-looking guy drove up next to me and got out of his car. "Dan?" he asked me hesitantly. "Y-y-yes," I mustered in reply. He began, "I'm from Western Union. I've got a telegram to deliver to you that we've had lying around the office for decades. This kinda heavyset guy from way back instructed us to deliver it to a kid wearing driving shoes at this time and place. We had a betting pool going back at the office - I didn't think you'd show! I guess I'm out 5 bucks."

I grabbed the envelope from Western Union and ripped it open! Inside I found this glorious message!







"5Windows is alive!" I exclaimed. But my unadulterated joy was complicated when I looked closer and saw the date- "1873?! 1873?!"

So now I have to get back to 1873 and bring 5Windows back to 2009. Wish me luck, my fair readers

PostSecret, Berger Household edition

With my - (Beneficent) Allah willing - upcoming move out of the Berger Homestead, I figured now was a good time to share with the blogosphere something we've had going for a little while. Inspired by PostSecret, my family decided to have our own PostSecret blog. As you can see from these samples, it's a vibrant little community with a lot of diversity where everyone feels free to share their innermost secrets

Google Reader party recap/ Trailer Premiere

Thanks to all who came to the first-ever Google Reader Party; it was a smashing success!

Here is the cake we ate:








And a few candids:



















There was even one protester who showed up, giving voice to those who think that the rise of Google Reader has caused the fall of the blogosphere:












But Reader and Blogs can coexist, as I'm demonstrating right here with the release of the trailer for the Google Reader movie, "You Got Shared," on this Blog. Enjoy:

The View From Your Window

Central California, 12.34 pm

New Army Strategy to Win Hearts and Minds in Middle East

Berger Family Childhood Photos Annotated #2

Driving Shoes Digest: Interview with Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman

Dan, reporter for Driving Shoes Digest: So, Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman- can I just call you Morgan?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Of course, my friend.

Dan: So you stand outside Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square every day- that must be pretty tough on your feet?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Sure, sure. You can't imagine how many tourists pose for pictures with me every day -it's 15, 16 hours straight without a break. And I even heard one of them say the other day, "it's Barack Obama!" To be fair they probably put me out in front to remind people that President Obama's wax figure, who is a good friend of mine by the way, is inside once you pay the 20 dollars or whatever it is these days.
















Morgan Freeman Tod's TD 4531 (BK) Driving Shoes
Wax Figure


Dan: So you chose some Tod's driving shoes to keep you comfortable during those long hours?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Precisely!

Dan: I was chatting with WaLuigi the other day, and we agreed that one also wears driving shoes because they're stylish. They make you look like a titan of business. Wouldn't you say?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: I- I guess.

Dan: But more than that, they make you a titan of business. They imbue you with the contacts and the business acumen to get ahead in this world. And they make you irresistible to women. It's like the leather is treated with pheremones, the way these things work. They should sell a stick to fend off all the women coming after you when you wear driving shoes, wouldn't you say? But it would be a classy stick, more like a cane, don't you think?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: What? What are you talking about? They're just shoes. I like them. You are a strange young man!

Dan: Whew, I see driving shoes are a touchy subject for you. So what about those black spots on your face?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Don't you do any research before you conduct interviews? This topic was addressed on Not About Delino DeShields in 2005 - you might find the post on the new Random Delino Plus Nostra site. This interview is over!

Ode to Finishing up job

In my last couple days at my current job, I have totally given up on being courteous to my coworkers in any way. To honor this, I wrote a little song to the tune of Adam Sandler's classic "Steve Polychronopolous"- like to hear it? Here it goes:

I'll open a 46 ounce tub of Party Mix,
Just to eat one Dorito,
I'll open a pack of Milanos,
even though there's an open Brussels pack,
and they're basically the same shit,

My name is Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll tell the guy who has to clear the office
I still need the printer for work,
Even though I'll only use it to print out articles to read in the bathroom,
Instead of reading on the iPhone,
'Cause the screen is too fucking small,
Even when you turn it sideways,

'Cause My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll take all the Perriers from the fridge,
even though they were specifically requested by some woman in accounting,
I'll borrow your scotch tape dispenser,
and never think of retuuuuurning it!

My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous!