Monday, November 28, 2005

Shopping

While shopping this weekend, Tom and I laid out the four pillars of the ideal wool coat: visible buttons, slash (diagonal) pockets, just below waist length, and single-breasted. We wound up with nothing that matched our criteria, but with these cornerstones in mind, I set out to try some new stores today. On my way to the subway, I noticed a Kenneth Cole store and decided to walk in.

I looked around for a coat I had seen online, but when I couldn't find it, I asked the closest salesperson for help. Luckily for me, that salesman happened to be Josh, a flamboyantly gay and unbelievably stylish recent Hobart College grad - he majored in French- clad in all black--

Me: Uh, so I saw this Kenneth Cole Reaction coat online, but I can't find it here in the store. Is there somewhere I didn't look?

Josh: How old are you, sweetie?

Me: 22.

Josh: Kenneth Cole Reaction- you see that's something you wear when you're in high school, maybe up to 19. 20 tops. You're a man now, start dressing that way. Our Kenneth Cole line is in more of the upmarket mileu you belong to now.

My inner monologue: [Yeah, you know he's right. I'm 22, I'm a man, I'm upmarket]

Me: OK, so Kenneth Cole it is. Now do you have anything in around waist length?

Josh: Oooh, waist length? That's not what you want. A 3/4 length is really more your thing. You're 22, you need a professional look. Something you can wear to an important job interview, but still throw on with jeans and Pumas.

My inner monologue: [Professional- yeah, that's right, none of this collegiate pea coat nonsense anymore. And a combo with jeans and pumas, that's a money idea. Note to self: buy Pumas]

Me: Alright, so we're looking at 3/4 length coats. Show me what you have. My only requirement is slash pockets.

Josh: Yeah... slash pockets? They're useful, I'll give you that. But vertical pockets with flaps are WAY more stylish. They give the coat a nice sense of structure. Try this one (hands me a coat which I put on; I look at myself in the mirror)

My inner monologue: [It DOES give a nice sense of structure! I'm so fortunate that I have Josh here to correct all my faux pas]

Me: Thanks for all your help, Josh. I just need to call my girlfriend to make sure it's kosher, then we can ring this baby up.

Josh: Girlfriend? Ehhhh... Maybe if you were 17, that would be OK. But now that you're 22, you really should be gay.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

At the Yale-Harvard Game...

...Tom finally met his biggest fans. Although Tom thinks he blew it because he was obviously more excited to meet them than they were to meet him.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The New Puppy

To you swinging single bloggers out there, I have the next big way to pick up chicks, even better than having a puppy... doing a sudoku on the subway.


Yesterday, I was minding my own business doing a sudoku on the train, when a beautiful girl sat down next to me and commented that a 4 went in the top left square. After I explained to her why a 4 didn't necessarily have to go in that square, but rather could possibly go in another square as well, we struck up a conversation and I got her number. No, I didn't get her number.

Monday, November 21, 2005

George Bush stole the Richard Berger face...


...from the Delino Intro Video. This is both an outrage and a wonderful moment. Maybe Delino will finally get the great public recognition that it deserves.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Press Release

"Not About Delino DeShields was the subject of much speculation when analysts at several firms were heard to be very positive about it's recent performance. It's share price rose from B$.81 to B$1.15. Much of the hype was said to originate from Rantzalot (Sir) whose Gag Master (artefact) was said to be involved.

Rantzalot (Sir) declined to comment on the recent speculation.

Rantzalot (Sir): http://blogshares.com/user.php?id=21655"

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

From BillOReilly.com

  • Back of Book Segment
    Brown U. sex party
    Guest: Factor producer Jesse Watters

    Factor producer Jesse Watters gained entry to a wild party at Brown University over the weekend, an event he depicted as a scene straight out of Caligula. "I got a ticket on the Internet and went in," Watters explained. "What I saw was pure debauchery. Girls were falling down drunk, and most were wearing just panties and bras. I went to the bathroom and heard guys having sex in the stall next to me. A record amount of people had to have emergency medical care."
    Factor host O'Reilly stridently criticized Brown adminstrators-- "My major concern here is... why wasn't I invited? These pinheads know that I, with my loofah scrub in hand, would have been a great addition to this party and would have, on a personal level, enjoyed it immensely. It's irresponsible, and the chancellor has to answer for it."

Monday, November 14, 2005

The More You Know

I just discovered what the seemingly unintelligible chanting at the beginning of "Circle of Life" means, and I wanted to share it with you, my loyal readers. Hat tip to Actual Rod (I know, Timon is an Administration shill):

[Male Singer:] Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [There comes a lion]
[Background Singer:] Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
[MS:] Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [There comes a lion]
[BS:] Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Ingonyama
[MS:] Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
[BS:] Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabaal [It's a lion and a tiger]
[repeats 5]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se-to-kwa!)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The More You Know

Apparently Uncle Phil was also the voice of Shredder.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

You ever heard of a little blog called Not About Delino DeShields?

That is what we should have said to Scott Dikkers, editor-in-chief of The Onion when we were standing behind him in line for the new Sarah Silverman movie, Jesus is Magic.

A friend of his actually addressed us, asking who we were. The proper response?

Rich: "I am Delino, and this is my brother Marquis."

The real response:

Rich: "Hi...uh...just friends...uh...maybe you'll meet us sometime...(trail off)"

On the way into the movie, however, Dan and I did mutter the following while walking behind Dikkers: "Congdon, Congdon, Congdon, Congdon, guac, lester, guac, Congdon." I think he got the message.

Also, despite the fact that he is editor-in-chief of The Onion, and Dan and I are unemployed, we still have more attractive girlfriends. Finally, I just wanted to mention that the movie was pretty funny (despite the fact that it was mostly just Silverman doing stand up) and it included one scene with the amazing Bob Odenkirk.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The More You Know

Actual Rod considers John Lithgow a "national treasure."

Vote Bernard Goetz for Public Advocate

Yes, that Bernard Goetz, affectionately known as Bernie. For a full recap of why he is famous, go here. Mr. Goetz has become a vegetarian and a great friend to the animals since his more violent days. He was even mentioned in Billy Joel's ode to popular culture, "We Didn't Start the Fire."

I do not know much about what the Public Advocate does, but Bernie Goetz knows how to get things done, especially when one of those things is vigilante justice.

Some choice excerpts from his website:

E-mail * BerniePie@aol.com * about your concerns.

12. Decriminalize pot: Marijuana should be taxed like cigarettes and regulated like alcohol. It should be legal to grow, sell, or use, at least on a trial basis. Other states should try it too.

Incredible squirrel pictures (here and here).

Also, don't forget to check out what his opponents think about squirrels.

(Editor's Note: This post has been toned down due to familial influences. It is not quite as cutting edge as it was when it was posted.)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

3,000 Miles to Graceland

Since we were in Las Vegas, we decided to see why they call the place Sin City. When we showed up to the strip club, a few truckers and a fat Asian guy with a sleazy thin moustache were lavishing dollar bills on a busty blond dancer. The members of the Delino crew were unsure of ourselves, skeptical of whether such beautiful women would ever even talk to a bunch of short Jewish boys. But somehow, Tom mustered up the courage to ask one of the plainer-looking strippers for a lap dance and she agreed. Just before the lap dance started, President Bush nominated Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court on a nearby TV. The subsequent lap dance went down like this:

Tom (screaming to be heard over the music): YOU HAVE VERY PRETTY EYES!
Stripper (rubbing her breasts in Tom's face): Judge Alito is out of the mainstream of American jurisprudence.
Tom: SO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AROUND HERE?
Stripper (wrapping her legs around Tom's neck): Anticipating an Alito nomination, I sifted through some of his old decisions, and his labor cases give me much concern.
Tom: COOL. (beat) HOW MUCH FOR TOUCH?
Stripper (breathing down Tom's shirt): It's sad that the president felt he had to pick a nominee likely to divide America instead of choosing a nominee in the mold of Sandra Day O'Connor who would unify us.
Tom: I HEARD RUMORS OF A PRIVATE ROOM- IS THAT SOMETHING?
Stripper (rubbing Tom's crotch): It's times like these I wish Munz were still blogging...
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While the strip club experience is amazing, it is important to remember just how lucky we are to live in an age in which strip clubs are relatively common. Imagine our ancestors in heaven watching us enviously:

Moishe Berger: Look at Dan, king of the world at his strip club! How times have changed. In my day I used to pay Yakov 2 shekels to nut into his potato sack! (Beat) What? It's only 2 shekels! What's the point of money if you don't get to nut in a potato sack?