I recently found myself having a slight pain in my abdomen, so I told my mother I wanted to go to the doctor. Naturally, she took me to the pediatrician, as I did not yet have a grown-up doctor (more on this later- honestly, grown-up doctors are scary) . By the way, don't judge me- I know for a fact that the AG still takes Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, and I hear grape is his favorite.
I arrived a bit early with my mother at the pediatrician's office, but not to worry because I got to spend some time in the pediatrician's waiting room. After flipping through copies of Ranger Rick from the early '90s and surreptitiously stealing the cardboard trading cards from the middle of SI for Kids, I built a fort out of cardboard red bricks. But after a few blissful minutes in the fort, I was told to go to the bathroom. I urinated into a cup and then wrote my name on it with a red wax pencil.
I was then ushered into the patient room, where i stripped to my boxers. My mother-fully clothed, of course- was there too. When Dr. Gallagher entered the room, she immediately got to the examination:
Dr. Gallagher: So tell me what's wrong, Danny.
Me: I've got this slight pain in my abdomen, I think it may be intestinal.
Dr. Gallagher (looking at clipboard): Uh, huh. Well, I just took a gander at your pee-pee and it looked pretty clean. Could you bend down a little, Danny?
(Dr. Gallagher runs her hands through my hair)
Dr. Gallagher: And your scalp is 100 percent lice-free.
Me: No, the problem is in my abdomen
Dr. Gallagher: Open your mouth wide.
(Dr. Gallagher sticks a swab down my throat and then looks at it)
Dr. Gallagher: Well, you don't have strep throat either.
Me: No really, it's in my abdomen, like my stomach area.
Dr. Gallagher: Looks like you're healthy as a horse. Here's a Power Rangers Band-Aid and some Robitussin for good measure.
My Mom: Robitussin, Robitussin?! You're trying to turn my son into a drunk driver, you MONSTER! That's it, Daniel, we're going to a grown-up doctor.
TO BE CONTINUED...