Thursday, June 26, 2008

Premiere Bush, tell me how my ass taste

So I saw this picture this today on Drudge.


President Bush, left, with Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheik Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan, right, during an arrival at Camp David, Thursday, June 26, 2008.
(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

I was just wondering if wearing a short-sleeve polo shirt, that looks like something he got off an Old Navy sale rack, is a diplomatic-dick slap equivalent closer to:
a) Tom going into a Denny's restaurant at 2:00 am, and taking the maple syrup the waitress just brought out for you from the kitchen and pouring the syrup all over the napkin holder and all over the table for her to clean up.
or
b) Me eating some disgusting sangwich at Subway, and then ripping a huge fart in front of the cashier for him to hear/smell/savor as I walk out of his foul smelling franchise. Then slapping Tom "high-five" and proclaiming "America Rules!"

We must really be needing some Arab bullion. Next time a prince from the Gulf visits, I'd like to see if he walks off of Marine One just wearing a man-thong.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Found the Internal Facebook

Working in city government for the summer, I figured the agency would not have much up-to-date technology. I have largely been proven correct (whew, I'm glad I'm typing this on a computer with a ZIP drive! Come on!). But in the course of my work here I was fortunate to stumble upon one modern convenience- an electronic facebook! I'm not really supposed to share the link with non-employees but I trust my blog readers to have some discretion. So enjoy!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Shorter David Brooks

It's been interesting to read conservative columnists as they shift away from their initial pseudo-embrace of Obama, just as the general election kicks into high gear. Here is just one example of such a shift, from that crown prince of the "Respectable Right," David Brooks.

Longer David Brooks:
"Barack Obama is the most split-personality politician in the country today. On the one hand, there is Dr. Barack, the high-minded, Niebuhr-quoting speechifier who spent this past winter thrilling the Scarlett Johansson set and feeling the fierce urgency of now. But then on the other side, there’s Fast Eddie Obama, the promise-breaking, tough-minded Chicago pol who’d throw you under the truck for votes...
Fast Eddie Obama threw the workhorse duties under the truck...
But Fast Eddie Obama voted “present” nearly 130 times..."

Shorter David Brooks:
"On the one hand, Obama is a genuine reformer with a record of effecting real change in Illinois and in the Senate. On the other hand, he has not filled some of his campaign promises... Wait, also- NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HIS SKIN IT IS FUCKING DOODIE BROWN. Ok, whew, I'm done. Muslim"

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Scene from a Fort Lauderdale Barbershop

Overheard at a Barber Shop in Fort Lauderdale:



Barber #1: OK, Trolley Problem-- Trolley goin' down the tracks, about to hit a child - but if you flip a switch, it'll hit five manatees on the other track and save the child. What'd you do?


Barber #2 (instantly): Ooooh that's a easy one!

Customer: Yeah fo sho- you flip that fuckin' switch!

Barber #2: WHAT?! This mothafucka would flip the switch?! And kill all them manatees!

Customer: But I'd be savin' a child! A thinkin', talkin' human being!

Barber #1: What the fuck have them manatees done to you that you wanna kill 'em?! Been cute? Been the pride of Florida? Been a great sight to see as a bonding activity for grandparents and grandkids? Those sound like some capital mothafuckin' offenses to you?!

Barber #2: That's it! You outta here! Get tha fuck out of mah barbershop!


Customer: Ok, Ok, let's all calm down now. Save the manatees, save the kid, it don't matter. (Turning to Barber #1) We all brothas here, right?



Barber #1: You heard the man- get the fuck out of the barbershop, you manatee-murderin' mothafucka! (Barber #1 physically pushes Customer out of the barbershop) (Barber #1 and Barber #2 are now alone in the barbershop)


Barber # 2: Save the kid, kill the manatees? Shit, I seen some crazy mothafuckas in this shop but that one takes the cake!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Bloggers Blowin' Up

What a week it's been for the blogosphere- some highlights

My YouTube video about the end of Hillary v. Obama got featured on CNN (Note: I am in negotiations with a 1-800 company for a VHS tape of this for $100-- 1993 called, it wants its technology memes back)

Lester was featured on the front page of the Showtime site for his excellent Californication blog.

Rugby Dan was approvingly linked to by noted professor/blogger Brad DeLong.

Actual God has a video screening at the Google Sales Conference.

And Actual Rod saw the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer answers the Moviefone calls while watching a bootleg English channel in Thailand.


Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Ketubah Brothers

The final evidence that Dan just wants to be liked (and really, who could not like Dan?):

As we were talking with the rabbi before signing the Ketubah,


he asked us if we had Jewish names. Sheepishly, we both said, "No." Surprised, but undeterred, the rabbi then asked if either of us had ever had a Bar Mitzvah. After an even more sheepish "No," Dan blurted out to the rabbi, "But maybe one day you could perform my Bar Mitzvah??"

Friday, June 06, 2008

Scene from a New Haven Barbershop

Overheard at a Barber Shop on Dixwell Ave:

Barber #1: That Guida's- that's some institutional mothafuckin' milk right there!

Customer: HELLLL NOOOOO- I go down to the bodega up Edgewood, get me some Guida's on a hot day. Drink it up with some Oreo's-mmmm.... that's some good shit.

Barber #2: Guida's milk? At the bodega? You crazy. That shit is fuckin' institutional as ALLLLL hell! Yale, Southern Connecticut State, Saint Raphael's Mothafuckin' Hospital- those sound like grocery stores to you?!!

Customer: Nah Nah- No Way! After this, I'll run down to SHAW'S, get me some Guida's, show all y'all mothafuckas it ain't only institutional!

Barber #1: That's it! You outta here! Get tha fuck out of mah barbershop!

Customer: Ok, Ok, let's all calm down now. Institutional, not institutional, it don't matter. (Turning to Barber #2) We all brothas here, right?

Barber #2: You heard the man- get the fuck out of the barbershop, you non-institutional-milk-recognizin' mothafucka!

(Barber #2 physically pushes Customer out of the barbershop)
(Barber #1 and Barber #2 are now alone in the barbershop)

Barber # 1: Guida's milk... not institutional? Shit, I seen some crazy mothafuckas in this shop but that one takes the cake!