From the Vault

I was clearing some stuff off my computer the other day, and I came across this audition tape from back in 2004. I am auditioning for the role of "Johnny 'Drama' Chase" and Tom (Law & Order: SVU, CATS, Nantucket Summer Stock) is doing a cold read of the character of "Turtle."

Dennis Miller early tryout

As some of you may know, Dennis Miller is hosting a new game show on Game Show Network called Grand Slam. Basically, the show pits two all-star contestants from other game shows against one another in a battle of wits. Miller provides the witty, pop-culture infused commentary about the contestants and the ongoing game.

But I have the backstory here, which is that Dennis Miller almost didn't get the job, because his initial audition tape was deemed "too esoteric." I managed to get my hands on the audio portion of this tape, and I tend to disagree with that assessment, but I'll let my dear readers be the judges. Here is Dennis Miller's Grand Slam audition tape:




NOTE: DON'T TRY TO LISTEN TO THIS IN FIREFOX- USE SAFARI OR INTERNET EXPLORER (sorry!) AND THIS WILL TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO LOAD

More Bad News in Baghdad

As if Iraq didn't have enough troubles, it appears that now it has been hit with a wave CARBO BOMBS! This piece from BBC News Radio has some more details:




NOTE: DON'T TRY TO LISTEN TO THIS IN FIREFOX- USE SAFARI OR INTERNET EXPLORER (sorry!)

He Makes it Rain

Ni Hao Ma from Beijing. The first night I was here, it was torrential downpour. I cursed the weather gods at first. But then I learned that in fact the Chinese Government had MANUFACTURED the rain in order to cleanse the skies of pollution before the 2008 Olympics.

Hu Jintao, Original Gansta, MAKES IT RAIN ON DEM HOES!!!!

Hat tip to STM

To Catch A Predator Fans

Check out this tidbit from the To Catch a Predator blog by Chris Hansen:

"In each of our recent investigations we've found men who have seen or heard about our "To Catch a Predator" shows and surprisingly, still show up to meet a young teen. I've gotten used to the fact that this will happen, but I have never seen anything like what happened in New Jersey.

There was actually one guy who came in and instantly recognized me. He told me that he was a religious "To Catch a Predator" viewer and that he never missed an episode. Before I could formulate my next question, he volunteered that he had heard me on a syndicated radio program and complimented me for doing a good job."

I have to say that this really isn't so surprising. Even if you knew you were about to be arrested for child molestation, wouldn't your first reaction be "Holy Shit it's Chris Hansen! Mega-baller! Actual God watches you all the time, he burned me a DVD of his favorite eps! Do the thing where you're like 'I'm Chris Hansen' - do it! Here's my question- what is the deal with the Decoy Girl? Is she an actor or something- do you put up a Craig's List ad for that shit, that must be weird? Does anyone have a camera I want to take a picture with Hansen? Wait what am I talking about there are three cameras right here filming us- duh!"

"Crush on Obama" Backstory

Maybe some of you have seen this new YouTube music video called "I Got a Crush on Obama." In it, a busty brunette lustily sings verses like

Universal healthcare reform
It makes me warm
You tell the truth unlike the right
You can love but you can fight
You can Barack me tonight
I’ve got a crush on Obama

Well the real backstory is that - have you all seen Big Momma's House 2? Basically, what happened is that the latex makeup geniuses who made Martin Lawrence look like Grandmama applied the reverse process to our old pal political blogger Munz, making him look like a svelte brunette babe. Behind all that Latex, it is Munz singing those lines.

This is actually not Munz's family's first foray into the intersection of music and politics. I can't find it on YouTube now, but Munz's sister, Coretta Scott Munz, released a track in 1988 that was wildly popular. A lot of people actually blame the Dems' loss in '88 on Bob Shrum's decision not to use this as the campaign song:

You looked so good in that tank,
Yeah you can take that to the bank,
Tell George Bush to screw himself
But screw my bush yourself
Michael Dukak-iiis
please do bukakesss
with your cock-esss
on my stom-achs


p.s. in other political news, it turns out that Yasir Arafat died of the Super-AIDS. If only Beneficent Allah had warned him sooner!

BREAKING NEWS: STATEMENT FROM DAN'S PUBLICIST

My Publicist, Eric Sloane Zelnick, has just released this STATEMENT regarding the recent slander published by my own brother on the Marquis Grissom blog:

"I want to remind the public that Dan is in a happy and healthy relationship with his girlfriend. And contrary to popular reports, Dan stocks his fridge with POLAND SPRING, a water he drinks while watching football and hunting deer. That is all."

Sharon is STILL the New Schiavo

I can't remember who first coined the phrase "Sharon is the New Schiavo," but props to him or her. Because, despite not hearing a PEEP about this from the mainstream media, Ariel Sharon is STILL in a Persistent Vegitative State. But apparently Bill Frist, after looking at the doctored photo below, has determined that Sharon is not in a PVS. In any case, it is agreed upon by all medical experts that Sharon has special needs to keep him alive, so instead of the standard intravenous nourishment, he is being fed a steady diet of Cheeseburgers and Palestinian babies (see below):

History Lesson a la mode de Beneficent Allah

While at Ellis Island on Sunday, I was reminded of a piece of legislation I read about in American History class- The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882. Basically, America said "not so fast, Asiangs!"

Light Summer Reading

I went to the beach over the weekend, and when I got the train station I realized I hadn't brought a book. So I went over the Hudson News and bought whatever light popular summer fluff they had in the little paperback rack. It was pretty good, if a little light on plot: