StereoIQ Jack White new album

Oh StereoIQ, there IS a home for you here - DON'T go away

Jack White – Blunderbuss Lyrics
Jack White – Freedom at 21 Lyrics
Jack White – Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy Lyrics
Jack White – Hypocritical Kiss Lyrics
Jack White – I Guess I Should Go To Sleep Lyrics
Jack White – I'm Shakin' Lyrics
Jack White – Love Interruption Lyrics
Jack White – Missing Pieces Lyrics
Jack White – On and On and On Lyrics
Jack White – Sixteen Saltines Lyrics
Jack White – Take Me With You When You Go Lyrics
Jack White – Trash Tongue Talker Lyrics
Jack White – Weep Themselves to Sleep Lyrics

Beta Guy In The Emergency Room Waiting Area With His Dad Who's Having Chest Pains

Beta Guy's Dad (clutching chest): Ahhhh! It hurts real bad! Tell 'em I need to see a doc pronto!

Beta Guy: Of course, Dad - I'm gonna get you to the top of the list don't you worry.

[Beta Guy approaches Jorge, the tattooed nurse at the ER front desk. Jorge is on his cell phone. Beta Guy tries to make eye contact with Jorge but fails]

Jorge (into phone): Girl ah told joo that was not perfume you smelled on mah shirt... no ah never said it was cologne. It's a unisex fragrance by Calvin Klein--

Beta Guy (raises his hand with one finger extended): Uh, sorry excuse me

Jorge (into phone): -- called CK Be... because ah wanted to try something different

Beta Guy: Uh, hi my Dad--

Jorge: I'll be with you in a minute OK mang

[Bearded Guy approaches the front desk]

Jorge (into phone): The receipt for the CK Be?

Bearded Guy: HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

Jorge (into phone): I - I didn't keep it baby - I'm trying to go paperless--

[Bearded Guy grabs Jorge's cell phone and hits "End Call"]

Bearded Guy (screaming): Chat time's over, mi amigo! Alright because while you're havin' a grand ol' time with your lil' hoochie mama my son over there's arm is swelling to the size of a goddamned Christmas ham from the bee sting he got! So unless you want me to send so many INS agents to your house it'll make the Elian Gonzalez raid look like a fuckin' cozy dinner party, you're gonna let my boy see a doctor right now!

Jorge: Jesus, OK you and your son go to Room 3. A doctor'll be in there shortly

[Bearded Guy grabs his son and storms off to Room 3]

Jorge (muttering to himself): Coño

Beta Guy: Yikes. Anyway, my dad over there is having chest pains and I was wondering if there was any way you could get him to see a doctor soon

Jorge: Well that asshole took the last open room but I'll put you at the top of the list OK my friend

Beta Guy: Oh thanks that's great! Really appreciate it

[Beta Guy walks back to Beta Guy's Dad]

Beta Guy: Dad, great news - you're at the top of the list!

Beta Guy's Dad: Uh huh, uh huh. The pain's gettin' worse and... I'm startin' to drift in and out of consciousness I need to see someone now

[Beta Guy looks over and Jorge's back on the phone, animated]

Beta Guy (putting a hand on Dad): Hey you're at the top of the list Dad, let's not push it

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Can you believe that guy? Talking to a hospital employee like that?

Beta Guy (turns around, notices that Mother Holding Infant is attractive): Ohh - yeah totally out of line. And that racial stuff?

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: I know! I never thought I'd hear something like that in 2012

Beta Guy: Definitely a Republican. Probably voting for Santorum

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant laughs]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (suddenly looking at watch): Ugh, if I don't see a doctor soon I'm gonna miss my older one's trumpet recital. I guess no one ever said single parenthood was gonna be easy

Beta Guy: Oh sure, it must be tough

[Beta Guy's Dad feebly taps Beta Guy on the shoulder]

Beta Guy: We're first in line Dad - don't worry.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: The annoying thing is this little fella just has a fever, but they say if it's over 102 you should go to the emergency room to be on the safe side. The doctor'll probably recommend some Children's Tylenol and sleep and be done with us in 5 minutes. If we ever get to see one.

[Attractive Mother's cellphone buzzes from a text message]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: My son: 'where are you Mom? All the other parents are here' - ughhh

Jorge: OK my friend a room just opened up. Let me show you and your father to Room 2.

Beta Guy's Dad (hopeful look on his face): Ahhhhh

Beta Guy: You know what, this young woman actually should go ahead of me because she's just gonna be 5 minutes.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Oh my god are you sure?

Beta Guy: Of course - hey I was once a teenage trumpet player myself and I can tell you it means a lot to have a friendly face in the crowd

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (touching Beta Guy's arm): Oh bless your heart! You are a saint. Take care of your Dad, he's not lookin' so hot

Beta Guy: Oh he's gonna be fine

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant and Jorge walk toward Room 2. Beta guy longingly watches Attractive Mother's backside in her tight jeans]

THREE DAYS LATER

[Beta Guy is speaking at Beta Guy's Dad's funeral]

Beta Guy: I was there at the bitter end, and unfortunately nothing could be done to save him

[An Old Timer who was in WW2 with Beta Guy's Dad stands up]

Old Timer: Bullshit! He was waiting in the Emergency Room for 3 hours, but you were too much of a goddamned spineless sissy to get him in front of a doctor! If you had one tenth the guts of your ol' man he'd be alive today

Beta Guy: Nothing. Could. Be done.

Guy whose name is ASDF

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Yeah we canceled your order because we figured it was some guy just typing random stuff on his keyboard as a prank

Guy whose name is ASDF: But if my name were Joe you'd have sent me the sweater? Look I have rights you know. I'm a human being!

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Well we were thinking about sending it out but then we saw your email was "asdf@asdf.com" and we were sure it was fake

Guy whose name is ASDF: What's your name?

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Mark

Guy whose name is ASDF: If you could get Mark@Mark.com wouldn't you make that your email address? I mean I don't think I'm being unreasonable here - if--

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Look man, do you want the sweater or not?

Guy whose name is ASDF: Of course I want the sweater! Now just to clarify, the address is 2473 slfjsldfj --

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Alright nice try buddy

[dial tone]

Guy whose name is ASDF: Hello? HELLO? Goddamnit. I guess I'll just have to start calling myself Asher again.

[sigh]

High School Newspaper Op-Ed: DOUBLE STANDARD

by Cayla Langley

Have you ever noticed how girls who hook up with a lot of different guys are called sluts? And yet guys who hook up with a lot of girls are called players! I'm sorry but that doesn't pass the smell test in my book - what we have on our hands at Coolidge High is a big ol' DOUBLE STANDARD...

First Date with Girl Who Has Amnesia

[Setting: Hunan Szechuan Empire Gourmet Palace]

[Amnesiac Girl and I are looking at menus]

Me: You probably don't remember this, but Chinese food is like the cutting edge of the food culture right now. And this place is the epicenter of it all!

Amnesiac Girl: Wow - good thing I have you to take me to the hot places

[Waitress approaches our table]

Me: Hi, we're splitting everything. We'd like to have the e-egg drooop soup to start. Am I saying that right?

Waitress: Ees egg drop soup

Me: And this one is Ch-chicken with brickoli?

Waitress: Ees Broccoli. Thas it?

[I nod]

[Waitress walks away]

Me: Seriously it is like impossible to keep track of all these new cuisines

Amnesiac Girl: But somehow you do it!

[I wave the "stop, stop - too much" motion]

French Stewart Teaching A Sketch Comedy Writing Class

[10 students are seated around a table. French Stewart is at the head. He has a script in front of him]

French Stewart: OK, what do we have here? A leprechaun who gets picked on for being tall. Hmm I like it, but it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Oh wait, I know... it's missing SQUINTING!!! How many times do I have to tell you this - just write it down because it's an equation you won't want to forget: Squinting equals Comedy!

Student: Yeah but-but there are other things that're funny besides squinting

French Stewart: What's your name, son?

Student: Lance

French Stewart: Well class, I'm not gonna tell you what to think. But I just ask you this - was Lance a staple of Must See TV? Does Lance have a place in Malibu? Does Lance have a lifetime supply of DiGiorno pizzas?

[Silence]

French Stewart (picking up another script): Now let's see - Kamikaze pilots arguing whether to order the Sushi Deluxe or Sashimi Deluxe for their last meal

[Whole class laughs]

French Stewart: Pretty funny right. Because the Japanese guys look like they're squinting with those eyes. (beat) COME ON! Did I take a wrong turn on my way to the Comedy Club and walk into the Museum of Tolerance? I mean Jesus!

Scene from the Time Out Pub

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM, dressed in sexy cocktail dresses, are sitting at the bar with 6:00 PM, dressed in a business suit, tie undone]

6:00 PM (looking at his watch): It's 6:00 in Dublin right now! Bartender - Irish Car Bombs for me and the ladies!

[The three of them do Irish Car Bomb shots]

[In walks Noon, wearing a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt. The ladies turn toward him]

11:30 PM: Oh. My. God. It's Noooooon!

10:45 PM: He is so fucking famous - and hot!

6:00 PM: Ooooh it's Noon, he's got a real name, not a number - ooooh! Look ladies this isn't Spain - there are no siestas in America. In these parts you're usually at your desk with your tummy growling for a Chipotle Taco Salad at Noon. But at 6:00, you're out of work, slippin' into something a little more comfortable for the evening...

[Noon sidles up to the bar. The bartender eagerly awaits his order]

Noon: A strawberry daiquiri for me, and two more for these lovely ladies

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM move away from 6:00 PM and sit next to Noon, who hands them their drinks]

Noon: You know in Puerto Rico, Noon is officially siesta time. You are legally not allowed to be working at Noon. True story

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM coo]

[Into the bar saunters Midnight. He is decked out in his finest clubbing attire - Ed Hardy shirt, black jeans, Gucci sunglasses indoors. The whole bar turns to watch him]

11:30 PM (whispering): Holy. Fucking. Shitballs. It's Midnight

10:45 PM (whispering): He is the biggest celebrity in the Time world. And he's fucking sexy as as all hell

[Midnight sidles up to the bar]

Midnight: Goose. On the rocks.

[Bartender pours a glass of Grey Goose and hands it to Midnight]

[Midnight wags his finger "No"]

Midnight: One for everyone in this joint

[Midnight whips out his American Express Black Card. 11:30 PM, 10:45 PM, and all the other ladies in the bar congregate around Midnight. With the rush of people, Noon is forced to shift over to where 6:00 PM is sitting]

Noon: Don't these girls realize they're usually--

6:00 PM: -- asleep at that time. Tell me about it.

Noon and 6:00 PM (in unison): Fuckin' Midnight

[Noon and 6:00 PM take sips from their respective drinks]

[8:07 AM, dressed in a short-sleeve button down, tie, and unironic George H.W. Bush glasses, approaches Noon and 6:00 PM]

8:07 AM: Hey guys, so let me caveat this by saying the lockout has this whole season very much up in the air, but I was wondering if you guys wanted to sign up for my Fantasy Basketball League? We're goin' with ESPN this year - Yahoo!'s mobile integration was just not up to snuff

[Noon and 6:00PM shoot death stares at 8:07 AM]

Indian Family Dinner

[Indian Mom, Indian Dad, and their son Anil, are at the dinner table]

Indian Dad: Your mother and I are very upset with you, Anil

Indian Mom: Very upset!

Indian Dad: We have always dreamed that you would marry an Indian girl. You'd continue the bloodline, carry on the tradition passed down through generations of Indian culture. But now we learn from your cousin Chetan you're dating this Rebecca girl?

Anil: This is America, Father. I can date whoever I want to date. And I want to date Rebecca - so what if she's white? We love each other

Indian Mom: It's too much! It's too much! I need a breath of fresh air. Talk some sense into the boy

[Indian Mom steps outside]

Indian Dad: OK give it to me straight, son. What's it like to fuck a white girl? Is it everything I imagined?

Anil: What?! I thought you were angry at me

Indian Dad: No no, I just have to say these things for your mother. Now we don't have much time - tell me is the sex with the white girl great?

Anil: Uhh... I... I guess it's pretty good

Indian Dad: And does she have light pubes?

Anil: Wait - what?

Indian Dad: Light pubes - not black

Anil: Uh... I mean they're kind of a dark brown - chestnut maybe?

Indian Dad: Ohhhh the non-black pubes! What about the smell of sex with a white girl? Describe the smells for me, son

Anil: Dad, this is just - I can't tell you how weird this is! No more talk about my sex life. If you're so curious about white girls why didn't you just date one when you were my age?

Indian Dad: Are you kidding me? You think I could've just gone and dated a white girl?

Anil: Oh right - the whole arranged marriage thing

Indian Dad: No one in my generation had an arranged marriage - the problem was white girls wouldn't give Indian guys the time of day back then. Not for lack of trying on our part. But nowadays I walk down the street I see Indian guys with white girls left and right. You don't even have to be that desirable an Indian guy to get a white girl these days - no offense

Anil: I just don't see it like that, Dad. I love Rebecca, and she happens to be white. But I'd love her just the same if she were Indian or Asian or Hispanic

Indian Dad (tearing up): Oh son... that was the dream we Indian men have always had since we came to this country. Have you ever seen those immigrant pyramid murals?

Anil: Oh yeah, where at the bottom is the first generation immigrants who are farmers, then the next generation stands on their shoulders and are factory workers, and the next generation up is shopkeepers, and so on until at the top are minority doctors and lawyers and businesspeople standing on the shoulders of generations of immigrant-Americans

Indian Dad (ecstatic): Precisely! But my generation was doctors and lawyers. We need to add another generation to the top of that mural - your generation, standing on our shoulders, nonchalantly has its dicks in white women's pussies!

[Indian Mom re-enters the room]

Indian Dad: And so Anil, that is why we forbid you from ever seeing Rebecca again

[Indian Mom smiles]

[Indian Dad winks at Anil]

Barbecue in the Year 3000!

[A group of 30-somethings are already at the BBQ, including couple Xavier and Jarina. A new couple, Zilas and Ordana, arrive. The couples pair off by gender]

Zilas: Dude, you are not gonna to believe the traffic while I was flying over here. I took Space Highway 8713 - bad. idea.

Xavier (disinterested): Oh hey Zilas. Yeah, I guess it is the weekend

[Another guy butts into the conversation]

Quixen: Did I hear someone say he took the 8713? Guys, do you not know about Suborbital Service Road 5621? No one's ever on it - zips along at nearly supersonic speeds

Zilas: Yeah until you hit those Space Traffic Lights.

Quixen: Come on bro, I'd take a few stops in exchange for no congestion any day. Xavier, whadda you think?

Xavier's Internal Monologue: Who gives a fuck? Wow you can get to this boring barbecue 10 minutes earlier if you take one route instead of the other! Whoop dee frickin' doo!

Xavier: I'll be honest - I took 8713 myself - it's a highway, no stops

Quixen: Yeah except when you're in Space Bumper to Space Bumper traffic! Space Jesus Christ!

[Jarina and Ordana sip Space Wine]

Jarina's Interior Monologue: I cannot believe Ordana's Space Boots are genuine Martian Leather from Tazlee Kallen Boutique. Maybe if Xavier actually buckled down and got a real job like Zilas instead of "pursuing his artistic vision" I could afford those. His "artistic vision" has got me in boots from five seasons ago. From Space Macy's. Fucking Xavier. Fucking Ordana with her fancy boots. Bitch.

Jarina: Oh my god, Ordana, your boots look amaaaaazing!

Ordana: Oh my god, thanks! Zilas got them for me at Tazlee Kallen!

[The two groups - men and women - rejoin]

Xavier: How're you enjoying the barbecue, honey?

Jarina: I'm having a great time, sweetheart!

Xavier: Me too!

Old Guy Married to Bossy, Fat Old Woman Named Irene

Old Guy Married to Bossy, Fat Old Woman Named Irene: Hurricane Irene - I guess the East Coast'll get a dose of what I deal with every day

Irene (in the other room): WHAT'D YOU SAY?!

Old Husband: NOTHING, DEAR!!