The Tom Times: Sports Section

Tired of what he sees as the horrible biases and inaccuracies present in the Mainstream Media, Tom has decided to launch his own newspaper, the Tom Times. Here is a preview of an article from the sports section, which will be in tomorrow's inaugural print edition:

NEW YORK, NY - The Boston Random-Number Generators bested the New York Random-Number Generators tonight, with a final score of 4 to 2. Starting with the first pitch, some completely fucking random shit that was essentially the result of a Monte Carlo simulation happened. On hand were 60,000 screaming morons who have no concept of probability theory.

A Sentence You Will Never Hear

And throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, Paul Begala!

Liberals finally freeeee

As any liberal who watches and reads conservative media knows, the conservative media's depiction of liberal America makes liberals out to be total radicals who have no respect for decency or for human life, who will do anything in the name of "art", and whose moral relativism makes them completely out of touch with mainstream values. Oftentimes we point to young liberals doing great charity work in the Congo or inner city schools to prove, wait, hey "we're just as moral as you guys, if not more so." And it's true. But that doesn't stop the O'Reillys and Coulters of the world- they still depict liberals in the same way.

So that's why I was so happy that Eric sent me this article from the YDN. This girl has learned the valuable lesson of the last decade- don't bother trying to fight your political enemy's stereotypes of you, EMBRACE THEM! This story has every conservative meme you can think of all rolled into one:

-liberal Jew
-feminist
-Ivy League
-Art Major
-Having abortions ON PURPOSE- fuck "sanctity of human life"- and videotaping them to show
-Going one step further by smearing dead fetus blood in the name of Art (shades of the Giuliani elephant dung?)

There will be a lot of liberals trying to distance themselves from this girl. I say, fuck it! She's just acting out on all the desires we liberals try to suppress out of fear of right-wingers. Liberal women's inner monologues are always saying "It's Saturday night and I don't have any plans- I just want to HAVE AN ABORTION, for kicks, to let off some steam! But no, no, I'll go out drinking like a good little girl. Don't want to offend people." But thanks to Aliza Shvarts, you're free now, gals! See, it wasn't so bad. What's the next step- Stem Cell-tinis at hip downtown clubs? Murderers sentenced to a lifetime... of HUGS? The possibilities are endless...

UPDATE:
From: Aliza Shvarts
To: Dan
Date: April 17, 2008

HAHAHA look at the date... and subtract 16 days from it. You got splayed, you naive liberal! DOWN WITH MORAL HAZARD!

Best,
Aliza

Natural Disasters a marketing disaster

What is with these tornadoes in the South, possible earthquakes in California, and sundry other natural disasters? Looks like someone didn't get the memo. Newsflash, Nature- natural disasters are soooo '90s! Terrorism is in, baby!

Gone are those innocent days when the family would gather around the television hearth and watch Wolf Blitzer animatedly describe Hurricane Andrew or El Nino while the reporter on the ground got pummeled with wind and rain.

Now it's all Mohammed el-this and Mahdi that. But I guess I don't blame Nature for trying to stay relevant in the current times. I mean there's a lot of re-invention going on out there; look at Converse with those All-Stars shoes that all the hipsters wear or Atari's renaissance. Maybe Nature can draw on our generation's nostalgia for those good ol' days. But the marketplace can be a cruel mistress and Nature should have something else in the pipeline if it wants to survive, or else fickle consumers could make Natural Disasters the new Tamagotchis.

From the Delino Vault on Passover: Don't Forget the Bialys

Forget YouTube- in honor of Pesach, how about a little JewTube? That's right, straight from the Delino Vault, I have right here an episode of an old timey radio show about a Jewish family called Don't Forget the Bialys. It was described at the time as "Father Knows Best for the wormsy set." Enjoy this episode and who knows, if there is a lot of fan response, I might put up another episode with some special guest voices...


Don't forget the Bialys

Breaking News!!

Fuck Drudge. When you want news about the shit that really matters, come to the Delino Report:

BREAKING- LESTER HAS STARTED A NEW BLOG. IT IS MONEY. HE IS EVEN USING HIS CONNECTIONS OUT IN HOLLYWOOD TO PITCH A SITCOM IDEA ON THE BLOG. From the name of the blog, it seems like Lester is on the Beneficent Allah diet. Enjoy: http://lobstersandcocaine.blogspot.com

sorry to my digital pen pals

If my hero Dennis Miller knew about my recent absence on gChat, he'd probably say, "Dan's the J D Salinger of gChat. He's a veritable Thomas Pynchon over there OK, Jesus. I haven't seen anyone that withdrawn since Teddy Kennedy found out they took mozzarella sticks off the Burger King dollar menu in '99 OK?" In truth, i just totally forgot i had chat turned off. Sorry, won't happen again. And happy birthday Nostradamus!

What a nice old man that John McCain is

At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt."

Taxicab Confessions

The other day, in the back of a cab--

Foreign-sounding cab driver: My brozher tell me dere are over two hundred thousand jobs on Vall Street. But I don't understand- ees such a small street!

Me: Oh, no, no. Wall Street just refers to all the finance jobs in New York- most of them are in fact in midtown. It's a metonymy situation.

Foreign-Sounding Cab Driver: Ha! I must tell my brozher.

From my Inbox

From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

I really think we should bail out those poor homeowners who are getting foreclosed on. I mean it’s not their fault- they were duped into thinking their houses’ value would go up and their interest rates would stay flat. I say if the government can bail out a financial giant like Bear Stearns, it should be able to bail out some needy homeowners. Moral hazard isn’t that big of a deal when it comes down to it.

Best,
Tom

From: Dan

To: Tom

Subject: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Tom,

Wow what a surprising position for you to take! Yeah you make a good point I mean why are they bailing out the banks if moral hazard is such a problem? So a few homeowners are shielded from their risks- big whoop! You’re turning into a regular Robert Reich over there.

Best,
Dan

From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Re: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

HAHAHAHHAHA! Look at the date. You got splayed, you naïve liberal! DOWN WITH MORAL HAZARD!!!!!

Best,
Tom