Eliot Spitzer And His Parents At An Event In Boca

[Photographer snaps photograph of Eliot Spitzer, Eliot Spitzer's Dad and Eliot Spitzer's Mom. Photographer walks away]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Eliot, our picture's gonna be in the Boca Beat section of the Miami Herald!

Eliot Spitzer: Wow, little old me?! In the Boca Beat?! What an honor!

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: No need for sarcasm, El. I think it's nice to get our picture in the paper, that's all

Eliot Spitzer: Sorry, it's just I was supposed to be the first Jewish President - and now...

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: You can still be the first Jewish President... of the Boca Grande Condo Association

[Eliot Spitzer gives his Mom a death stare]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: What? It's very prestigious - they just created the BGCA by merging Boca Laguna and Grande Playa so it's an open election.

Eliot Spitzer's Dad: But you're gonna need a strong campaign El. I hear Irv Rosenthal - the over-80 shuffleboard champion of Southern Florida - is running. High name recognition!

Eliot Spitzer [muttering]: Well, I'm gonna take a shot of cyanide

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Speak up, El! I can't hear you what'd you say?!

Eliot Spitzer: I SAID I'VE GOT A SLATE ARTICLE TO WRITE

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Now Thomas, you've got to do your homework before you play any video games

Son: And you've got to think before you say stupid shit like that

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Thomas James McArthur! You don't talk to your mother that way!

Son: Well I guess you're not paying attention because I just did, you dumb slut

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: That's it - I'm washin' your mouth out with cilantro!

Son: Nooooo! Anything but that!

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: It's the only way we're gonna clean that filthy mouth of yours!
[Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap grabs a bunch of cilantro and shoves it in her Son's mouth]

Son: Arghh - how - bleh! does anyone - yuch - voluntarily use this as a garnish -- mehh - on their tacos?!?!

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit on a Dude at a Rave

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: I'm sorry man - but you're gonna be fine. IT'S NON-TOXIC!

Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: ARE YOU SURE? It feels kinda WEIRD ON MY SKIN?

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave (to her boyfriend): Derek, the glow shit - it's NON-TOXIC, RIGHT?!

[Derek the Boyfriend kind of nods but is really so fucked up on Molly he's just in his own world, dancing]

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: Yeah - he says it's NON-TOXIC TOO! OK I gotta go see my friend near the stage. WOOOOO!
[Girl Who just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit on a Dude at a Rave pumps her fist]

Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: WOOOOO!
[Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled on Him pumps fist]

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave's INNER MONOLOGUE: I don't believe that non-toxic bullshit for a minute - that guy's gonna turn into a fucking mutant. Probably disfigured for life. Whatever, Deadmau5 is absolutely CRUSHING this set!!!

At the Cutting Edge of #30Bro Denial

My Interior Monologue: Damnit this wisdom tooth is coming in back there, kinda sore. Maybe I should go to the dentist... NO! Can't admit to yourself you have wisdom teeth - that means you're old! Sure some people get their wisdom teeth when they're like 20, but some people become Norwood 7 freaks when they're 20 too! Wisdom teeth = old. Must stay young. Ignore the soreness. Just pay attention to your youthful teeth. Do I still have any baby teeth in there? Probably not - but as long as I don't acknowledge the wisdom teeth and stay below Norwood 2 I'll still be young... Ow! Should probably gChat KevCops about this issue

Snapple CEO at His Country Club the Day After He Launched Kris's Mix Up

Country Club Member: Hey I saw you put out Kris's Mix-Up, that Half-Lemonade Half-Iced Tea drink 

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Dear God I hope he doesn't mention Arnold Palmers. No one mention Arnold Palmers!

Snapple CEO: Oh yeah - Kris, Kris Mains - she's in our R&D Department. One day she accidentally mixed a batch of our Iced Tea with our Lemonade, and well we thought that combo tasted so good we should make it a new Snapple flavor!

Country Club Member: Uh-huh, uh-huh, very exciting. The only thing is this club's been serving half-lemonade, half-iced teas - you know, Arnold Palmers - for years. You must've had one before Kris had her little mix-up?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Why did I come here - here, ground zero for Arnold Palmers?! Did I need to play golf that badly? I gotta lie low for a while 'till this whole thing dies down

Snapple CEO: Arnold... Palmer. Like the golfer? He has a half-lemonade half-iced tea drink named after him, and they serve it here?

Country Club Member: I mean Juan at the bar is always pushing it on members in the summer - it's his specialty, he has a secret ratio of lemonade to iced tea. I can't believe he hasn't served you one. Hold on a second - JUAN?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: If Juan comes over here I'm a dead man. I practically lived on Arnold Palmers the whole summer of '92

Snapple CEO [getting up]: Oooh you know what I'm a little rusty I gotta hit the range before the first tee. See you around, buddy

Country Club Member: Wait, Juan's coming! 

[Snapple CEO rushes out the door]

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Phew, that was close. I can't take this kind of pressure - I'm gonna have to scrap the plans for that Hot Toddy rip-off "Brenda's Boozy Brew"

Guy at a Cocktail Party Who For Medical Reasons Can't Eat, Drink, Piss, Poop, or Grab a Breath of Fresh Air

"Excuse me, we've run out of subjects to talk about and now you're boring me. I'm going to go find someone else to talk to or, barring that, check my phone"

Guy Who Thinks He's Going to Read A Lot in Prison

[First Day of Prison]
[Buddy drops off College-Educated Convict at the prison gates]

Buddy: Hey man - good luck in there. No TV, no internet, no phone, no women - what kind of a country do we live in where you have to endure that, all for embezzling a few thousand bucks?

College-Educated Convict: No you don't understand. It's an amazing opportunity dude - no TV, no internet, no phone, no women? That means NO DISTRACTIONS! I can finally read all those long books I didn't read back in college - Moby Dick, Anna Karenina, The Power Broker. Plus I'll have time to learn Italian, learn Chinese, and even improve my chess game! Prison transformed Malcolm X into the urbane, well-read man he was - it's all right there in The Autobiography of Malcolm X, which I'm gonna read all 500 pages of in prison!!!

Buddy: Wow, when you look at it that way... I'm jealous bro!

[Last Day of Prison, 2 years Later]
[Buddy is picking College-Educated Convict up at prison gates]

Buddy: Ni hao

College-Educated Convict: What?

Buddy: "Ni Hao" - ya know, Chinese for "Hello." I mean you must be fluent by now but I just learned that phrase from my waitress last night, heh

College-Educated Convict: Yeah... um, I didn't exactly learn as much Chinese as I intended to. 

Buddy: But now you parliamo italiano, si?

College-Educated Convict: No, no didn't learn Italian either. Or improve my chess game much.

Buddy: But the long books - I mean you must've ripped through The Power Broker

College-Educated Convict: Well, uh, I, uh, I got through the Yale years. And I mean that time pretty much molded Moses into the man he'd become so --

Buddy: -- wait you had 2 years of no TV, no internet, no phone, no women and you still didn't read any more books than I did?

College-Educated Convict: Ya know, I mean, 2 years is less time than it seems - it really goes by fast. And I got into this wicked volleyball league. Well it wasn't really a league but we played like 2, sometimes 3 times a week. And the warden was really nice so he'd let us watch TV whenever the Red Sox games were on, and baseball's a 162-game season. Plus my cellmate Jose it turns out knew almost as much about The Beatles as I do, so we traded all sorts of crazy trivia - did you know there's a version of Please Please Me with Pete Best on the cover instead of Ringo?

Buddy: Basically what you're telling me is that it's impossible to actually sit down and read long books as an adult, no matter what the circumstances

[pause]

College-Educated Convict: Yes.

2 Dudes in a 2-Man Horse Costume at a Halloween Party

[Before the Party]

Alpha Guy: Look I just happen to feel like being the front guy tonight. But the back guy's basically the same thing - we're a team here, it takes 2 to be a horse

Beta Guy: OK, so you promise you're gonna get me involved in your conversations with the ladies? I mean I'm gonna be crouched over and staring at your ass so I don't really get how that's gonna work...

Alpha Guy: Dude, it's gonna be fine. No one'll be able to see my face either. But that'll add to the mystique. We're gonna be fuckin' Siamese Wingman Twins!

Beta Guy: Yeahhh S-siamese Wingman Twins

Alpha Guy: Alright now get in there and let's get some ass!

[At the Party]
[Alpha and Beta Guy, in horse costume, enter the party. Alpha Guy takes his horse head mask off to reveal his face. They approach a Girl in Cowgirl costume]

Alpha Guy:  Hey Cowgirl, you lookin' for a horsie to ride?

Cowgirl: I dunno, can you handle me?

Beta Guy (muffled): Hey - ask if she has a friend!

Cowgirl: Is somebody in there with you?

Alpha Guy: Uh... nope. Those back legs are animatronic, but they include these "Sounds from the Range" for extra realism

Cowgirl: Fancayyy

[Alpha Guy starts making out with Cowgirl]

Beta Guy (muffled): It's getting really sweaty in here! Hello? (sigh) At least this costume has that "new rubber" smell inside

[Alpha Guy farts in Beta Guy's face]
[Exeunt]

Behind the Scenes at Casa McCain

[John McCain and Lindsey Graham are sitting on the couch. Cindy McCain enters]

John McCain: Gladiator's about to start - where are the damned snacks?

[Cindy McCain hands over a bag of piping-hot microwaved popcorn]
Cindy McCain: Here you go, boys

[John McCain throws the popcorn on the ground, kernels spilling everywhere]
John McCain: Goddamnit I'm a maverick you dumb bitch! You think I eat popcorn? When I'm watching a movie?! I'm a maverick! 

Lindsey Graham: Yeah if we went to a baseball game, you think John would get peanuts? Maybe a hot dog? With a lil ketchup and mustard?

[John McCain is guffawing]
John McCain: Hahaha that's a good one Linds! You know what I actually ate last time I was at a ball game? Garbanzo beans - just a whole can of raw chickpeas. Maverick! Not that this stupid cunt over here would notice

[Now Lindsey Graham is guffawing]
Cindy McCain: Hey Lindsey I bet I know what you like to snack on, ya big queer

Lindsey Graham: Now you wait just a gosh darned second! Just because I'm 57 years old and have never been married or even dated anyone and hang around exclusively with men doesn't mean jack squat! I'm straight as an arrow!

[John McCain throws scalding hot coffee at Cindy McCain]
[Cindy McCain leaves the room hysterically crying and burning]

Lindsey Graham (eyes tearing up): What a maverick thing to do, John

[John McCain gives his trademark John McCain smile]

Sign #536 I've Become An Anonymous Yupster [this really happened]

 

[I'm walking down the street in Yupster uniform of button-down shirt, black jeans, sneakers, Wayfarers. I pass a different Yupster Deathstar from the one I live in - The Edge, not Rent on Kent. A Redhead Walking Her Dog, wearing yoga pants, makes eye contact with me]

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Hey! Good to see you!

Me (startled): Uh, oh - hey! Yeah, good to, uh, see you too

My Interior Monologue: Am I supposed to know this woman?

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Did you see the new rowing machines they put in the gym? So fantastic!

My Interior Monologue: Jesus Christ - she thinks I'm her neighbor at The Edge

Me: Yeah - upper body's the key to the whole thing!

Redhead Walking Her Dog: I know! Anyway, this guy's gettin' antsy for a walk, but so good to see you!

Me: You too! See you 'round

[Redhead Walking Her Dog walks away]

My Interior Monologue: Maybe I should I just go ahead and legally change my name to Daniel Bateman...