Scene from a West Philadelphia Barbershop

Barber #1: Last time I was at the post office I picked me up some of them Forever Stamps

Barber #2: Ooooh yeah I got a whole envelope full of Forever Stamps. And not one of them regular envelopes you send a letter in and you gotta fold it up into thirds. A big ol' envelope like for taxes and shit

HipsterBro Customer: Actually, I read in Slate that Forever Stamps are a bad investment because inflation always rises faster than the price of stamps. So even though ordinary stamps get more expensive, they're relatively cheaper

Barber #1: What?! Do you have brain damage? What don't you understand about Forever? It's the same price, for-e-ver! That's a good mothafuckin' deal right there

Barber #2: That's right - what else stay the same price forever? You buy milk lately? That shit like four dollars a gallon!

HipsterBro Customer: Right but with inflation the stamps actually go down in p--

Barber #1: Son, ain't nothin' in this world last forever - not you, not your momma, not me, not the United States, not the Earth, not the Sun, hell maybe not even the mothafuckin' universe. But these stamps - they forever

HipsterBro: Yeah but this Slate piece said--

Barber #2: Why you in here anyway?

HipsterBro: Uh, I read about this barbershop in Philadelphia Weekly - it was a pick of the week

Barber #1: Well I ain't cuttin' yo hair. And he ain't cuttin' yo hair. So get the fuck outta here!

(HipsterBro leaves in a hurry)

Barber #2: Forever Stamps a bad investment? Some people, man

Barber #1: Next thing you know, someone gonna say I shouldn't have a thousand dollars worth of P.F. Chang's Gift Certificates in my drawer

Barber #2: Nah, no one dumb enough to fuck wit de ChangBucks. ChangBucks so solid - when China done investing in Treasury bonds they headin' straight for the ChangBucks.

Barber #1: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Tail End of a PIXAR Pitch Meeting

Marty Kornfeld: OK, OK but what about a picture where Scotty the Scotch tape dispenser is replaced by Duke the duct tape dispenser, who's tougher, meaner and stronger than Scotty. So Scotty has to team up with Witey the Wite-Out bottle and Randy the 3-Hole Paper Reinforcement to take back the office from Duke and--

PIXAR Executive: --3-Hole Paper reinforcement? What?

Marty Kornfeld: Those little circular stickers you put around one of the holes in a piece of binder paper that's ripped.

PIXAR Executive: Oh yeah. Look, Marty, Toy Story played on nostalgia for old toys, and Cars played on nostalgia for old cars, but that's because there really is nostalgia for those things. No one has nostalgia for office supplies that used to be more important in a pre-digital age.

Marty Kornfeld: Alright, alright, I'm hearin' you. (beat) That's why I came with another character - Hank the Hard-Line Phone. He's a badass who takes no prisoners -- "My only dead zone is anyone who fucks with me!"

(beat)

Marty Kornfeld: Could you validate my parking?

Scene from the First Day in Prison for a Neurotic Jew and his Bro Accomplice

[Neurotic Jew is sitting alone at a table in the prison cafeteria, sporting an orange jumpsuit and a freshly shaved head]

Neurotic Jew's Interior Monologue: This jumpsuit is too big on me, it makes me look even scrawnier than I already am. I specifically told the guy Small - I'm swimming in this Medium! This is the last thing I need - I'm fresh, weak, meat in this place already. How am I, and my asshole, gonna stay protected? Maybe I'll join a gang - the Aryan Brotherhood. I bet I could pass as a Christian - I mean they shaved off my Jew-fro and I have blue eyes! Passing? Dear God where am I, Vichy France? And I can forget about my literary ambitions. Back in the '60s it was cool to go to jail - "You've been in the slammer? Sweet man, write about that shit!" Now it's all "Where'd you get your MFA?" and "Who do you know at Random House?" It's a fucking travesty. Wait is that giant Mexican guy looking at me? Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact... Oh God, I just made eye contact. FUUUUUUCK!!!!

[Bro sits down next to Neurotic Jew, tray full of food in hand]

BRO: Dude, you gotta try this creamed corn! No joke - BEST. Creamed corn. Ever.

Reality of Life Under Obama

Straight out of Curb Your Enthusiasm

So I'm sitting on the subway playing Angry Birds: Halloween Edition on my iPhone, when a Cute Black Child sits down next to me. He starts watching me play and then asks, "can I play?" and with every guilty white liberal bone in my body I proudly exclaim, "Sure!"

Now I'm holding the phone while the kid plays Angry Birds. I show him how to play, but he's not doing so well. Then I explain to him that you have to pull the bird to the left in order to make it go to the right, and he's starting to get the hang of it. He beats a level and I give him a high-five. I feel like fucking RFK and MLK rolled into one for all the good I've done for racial harmony in this country. The kid starts getting so good that my hand holding the phone is obstructing his shots. So he asks if he can hold the phone himself. "Of course," I reply as I hand him the phone. As he plays, his Mom, who has been standing there the whole time, chats with me about how he really loves games and I tell her that he is very precocious and talented. If my heart were any more warmed they'd have to send in the Fire Department.

But just then, Mom jolts to attention as she realizes it's their stop and the doors just opened. She thanks me and walks to the doors. "It's our stop, let's go!" she cries out to her son. But my Cute Black Child friend is in the middle of an Angry Birds level and is solely focused on beating it (we've all been there). So I politely say, "Sorry buddy, you've gotta go with your Mom now," and put out my hands for him to give me back the phone. But he's got laser-focus on the game, and ignores me.

By this time, the doors are only 10 seconds from closing. I've got to do something, or either a) the kid will take the phone with him in his hurry to get to Mom, or b) the doors will close and I'll have to get the kid back to Mom somehow, neither of which are very appealing options. "You've gotta go!" I repeat. No reaction. So I take the only action I think can solve this morass - I reach for the iPhone. As my hand touches the iPhone, I realize this kid is not letting go. He's 100% focused on playing Angry Birds. So I gently try to pull the phone away from him, figuring this might make him understand the situation. But he just pulls the phone back toward him and tries to keep playing. Now there are 5 seconds to go until the doors close, and I've got only one, horrible option left.

And that's how I ended up grappling over an iPhone with a Cute Black Child on the subway, with him screaming "NO! IT'S MY GAME!"as I pulled on the iPhone with all my might. Finally I wrested control of the phone and the kid ran out of the train just in the nick of time, leaving me to stew in the disgusted stares of the white liberals and old Hispanic ladies around me. Somehow I'd gone from RFK to KKK in the blink of an eye.

Another WaLuigi Interview

[Interviewer From Nintendo Power, a mid-20s dude, sits across from WaLuigi. A gruff 40-year-old Cameraman films them]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi: You know, in my old age, I've realized that my anger toward Luigi was unjustified. The real deserving target of my anger is the Wall Street banks, who are giving record bonuses this year even as average Americans face the highest unemployment rate in decades and most of Wall Street's profits are thanks to government largesse.


Interviewer: CUT! WaLuigi, what're you doing? It's a simple question, just answer it like the script says and we'll be done here. This isn't fuckin' Charlie Rose.

WaLuigi: I'm not that guy anymore. I'm a public intellectual now. Thurman Thomas and I published an article in the Huffington Post supporting the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau that very well may have pushed the legislation over the edge in the Senate.

Cameraman: We gotta get movin'. We got Yoshi across town in half an hour.

Interviewer: I tell you what - let's record the stuff from the script super quick, and then we'll get a bunch of footage of whatever you want to say after that.

WaLuigi: Alright, alright.
[Cameraman turns on camera]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi (shaking fist): I-ah hate him so-ah much-ah! (pause) Now you also have to realize it's not just the banks - Bernanke and Geithner are using the government to help the banks--

Interviewer: And that's a wrap.
[Interviewer and Cameraman pack up]

WaLuigi: But I haven't even explained how TARP is only one tiny sliver of the government's propping up of the banks

[Interviewer and Cameraman walk away]

WaLuigi (shaking fist): You'll rue-ah the day-ah you crossed-ah WaLuigi!

[WaLuigi is now alone]
(WaLuigi sighs)
WaLuigi: Ah well, at least I have my driving shoes.

A la recherche du temps poo-poo

[10-Year-Old Dan is in the bathroom]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Well, I have to poop and I have to take a shower. Why don't I take a shower and then poop? Then I'll feel all clean when I poop!

[10-Year-Old Dan takes a shower. He dries off, then sits on the toilet and takes a poop and starts to wipe up]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: That was completely insane! I just did the cleanest thing in the world and then the dirtiest thing. Ah well, life lesson learned. Poop and then shower. Better tell Rich.

[10-Year-Old Dan picks up his pants and is about to open the bathroom door]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Wait a second, I'm not telling Rich. Let him figure it out on his own. I mean he doesn't tell me how he does that NHL '93 juke move to score all those goals. Screw him.

[10-Year-Old Dan opens the bathroom door. 10-Year-Old Rich is on the other side]

10-Year-Old Dan: Hey Rich, bathroom's free! You can shower, and poop. In any order you want, yep.

10-Year-Old Rich: Uh, what?

10-Year-Old Dan: Oh nothing. Doo-da-doo-da-doo

[10-Year-Old Dan walks off to read The Indian in the Cupboard but really just fantasizes about Rich screwing up the shower/poop order]

Alpha and Beta Water

Future Economics Class Scene

Professor: Let's take Tom Schmidt. Now of course he has an absolute advantage in every task- he's better than you at everything. But it would be beneficial to him to trade with you, who are worse at everything than he, because of the principle of Comparative Advantage- you do the task that you're RELATIVELY better at, he does the task he's relatively better at, and you both win.

Student 1: I don't believe you. Tom Schmidt should do all of the tasks.

Professor: No, you see he should focus his resources on the task he's relatively best at and use the wealth he gains from that to trade for goods from other parties.

Student 2: What if we cloned Tom Schmidt? 

Professor: You can't clone Tom Schmidt! It's not part of the example!

Student 3: Why isn't Tom Schmidt teaching this class? He'd be better than you at explaining this.

Professor: BECAUSE I HAVE A COMPARATIVE... just, never mind

Scene from a 1993 Hanukkah

Jared's Mom: And I saved the best gift for the last night!

[Jared's Mom hands Jared a small gift-wrapped box. Jared's eyes light up, as if he knows what it is]
[Jared rips open the box. Inside is the SNES version of Mortal Kombat]
[The excitement evaporates from Jared's face]

Jared's Mom: It's exactly what you wanted! You excited to play?

Jared: Mom, I wanted the Genesis version

Jared's Mom: Genesis? Super Nintendo? It's all the same

Jared: No, it's not the same. There's no blood in the Super Nintendo version. You did this on purpose!

Jared's Mom: On purpose? Jared, you're giving me far too much credit - what do I know about video games? It's not like I leaf through your little Nintendo Powers while you're at school

[Jared grabs a VHS tape labeled "60 Minutes 11/12/93 - Violent Video Games and Your Kids: What You Should Know/Cheers Final Ep."]

Jared: This ring any bells?

Jared's Mom: You don't need to see all that blood! You're very impressionable at this age - I've read studies!

CUT TO:
[Later that night]
[Jared's sitting in front of the TV playing Mortal Kombat for SNES, slack-jawed, clearly not enjoying himself. Jared's Mom walks in]

Jared (sarcastic): Wow Mom, thanks so much. This is exhilarating

Jared's Mom: Jared, I'm letting images of a ninja beating up a woman into my home - what more do you want?!

Jared: I. Want. BLOOOOOOOOOOOD!