Monday, January 16, 2006

And All the Globes Were Golden

Good evening everybody, and welcome to tonight’s Delino Deshields liveblog coverage of the Golden Globes. I’ll be your host for the evening, and hope to do my best as a purveyor of fashion critique, awards insight, personal opinion, insider gossip, and all sorts of other trivial and mean fun. Stay tuned for the evening—people get drunk at the Golden Globes, and I’ll be getting drunk watching them—so tonight should be a good time for all.

A few highlights of the pre-show before we begin:
7:16—Chris Rock says of his school days, “I just went to an all-white school where I got called nigger a lot.” Tall, blond Nancy O’Dell becomes visibly uncomfortable, NBC executives begin calculating the evening’s FCC fines and hoping some stars will save the controversy for the primetime telecast.
7:27—Knowing more, and probably still not many, people will be watching their network tonight than have in the past six months, NBC airs what will be the first of many desperate promotions of its “new” Thursday night all “comedy” lineup.
7:31—Nicolette Sheridan and recently reunited beau Michael Bolton arrive together. I know they used to date because I read about it and saw old pictures in US Weekly, but honestly, I think they last dated before I was born.
7:32—Shaun Robertson asks Hilary Swank how she’s holding up without Chad Lowe. Hilary tries to act like she even notices he’s gone.
7:34—Mariah Carey is a huge bitch, and by huge bitch I don’t mean that she is particularly demanding or entitled or mean, just that she is gi-normous.
7:40—Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, are both nominated tonight, interviewed as a couple. Nancy O’Dell asks if there was any competition the weekend both their movies opened, they say no, but Sarah dominates the conversation. I’m trying here, but who am I kidding? I love them with my whole heart. Sarah looks wonderful and their joke about leaving James Wilkie five dollars for food actually made me laugh. I hate myself.
7:47—Jamie Foxx can’t stop talking about himself.
7:51—Nancy O’Dell asks the cast of Will and Grace if they think they paved the way for Brokeback Mountain. While Eric McCormack takes the right approach and responds with a joke, Debra Messing, in a major blunder, tries to answer the question seriously.

And now, without further adieu, onto the show…

8:01—My roomate sees Jeremy Piven and sings this song: "Oo Oo Oo, Jeremy Piven, I love you so much, You're my boyfriend."
8:04—Opening credits song, and adaptation of the Pussycat Dolls's "Don't Cha" with celeb-themed lyrics. I don't wish my job was shit like that, I don't wish my job was shit like that...but it probably will be, so whatevs.
8:06—Queen Latifah welcomes everyone, and lets them know her movie opened strong this weekend. Nice.
8:08—Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody present Best Supprting Actor (she looks good, he doesn't, I mean he does, but he could look better), and give really strange desriptions of each nominee's role, including Will Ferrel's "eminent Nazi" in the Producers.
8:11—George Clooney Wins! is hot, thanks Jack Abramoff and reminds everyone that his name includes the phrase jack-off. Sick.
8:12—They're moving fast. Fuck my two-fingered typing. Rachel Weisz wins for Constant Gardener, boosts that movie's Oscar chances, looks amazing, and mentions how well the producer handled "bringing a bunch of rich white people" into Kenya. It's shaping up to be a politics heavy night, and they haven't even started drinking yet.
8:18—Jessica Alba is the most beautiful woman alive. Luke Wilson has alcohol bloat, but so do I, so who cares?
8:19—Paul Newman beats Jeremy Piven in the Supporting Actor free for all. Old man's not even there.
8:21—Teri Hatcher continues the randy middle-aged slut routine with New Superman Brandon Routh. Sandra Oh wins for Grey's Anatomy, laughs hysterically and says "Oh Jesus." Says she feels like something set her on fire, probably all the coke she did in the limo on the way here. Ellen Pompeo claps, is anorexic.
8:28—Drew Barrymore needs a bra, badly. My back hurts just looking at her, my eyes a little too.
8:29—My nemesis returns. DIE EMMY ROSSUM! DIE YOU DUMB SELF-SATISFIED CUNT! I'd just like to remind you all that she has not even been in a movie since Phantom of the Talent, I mean, Opera.
8:31—My drink is very strong, and I wince a little taking a sip.
8:32—Best Actress-TV Drama goes to, not a surprise, Geena Davis. Shemanskies everywhere rejoice. She is a member of Mensa, and earns points for making up some touching story about little girls wanting to be president and admitting she made it up. Closeup on Exec Prod Steven Bochco while yawning.
8:35—My man Ian McShane dutifully presents the Best Actor in a TV Drama category, knows he is a better actor than all of them. Intonates this awareness as he says Hugh Laurie's name. Hugh Laurie does a funny bit, whatever, I'm biased, fuck him. Tells his children to go to bed, like that's never been done before.
8:43—Melanie Griffith's face melts a little as she introduces tonight's Miss Golden Globe, her daughter.
8:45—Everyone remembers why they never wanted to see The Producers.
8:46—Queen Latifah and Matt Dillon are silent just a little too long. Matty D is definitely shitfaced. Strange, happy announcer voice describes Miniseries nominees. Something called Viva Blackpool is nominated. I've never seen it, but I want to now.
8:48—Empire Falls wins. Oh, stories of Maine. Oh, multi-generational drama. Oh, Woodward and Newman. Oh, I do not care.
8:50—William Petersen, presenting with Pamela Anderson, makes a "Beauty and the Geek" joke. She gives him a polite laugh. Immediately upon leaving stage, William Petersen shoots himself in the head.
8:51—Steve Carell wins Best Actor in a TV Comedy. I have watched 40 Year Old Virgin 4 times in the last 3 days. I love him. He also gives by far the funniest speech of the night. I love him a lot. Seriously. I really do.
8:58—Tim Robbins is on stage, but will he talk politics?
8:59—NO! NO! Tim Robbins does not talk politics. Incredible people. INCREDIBLE.
8:59—Jamie Foxx presents Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy, tries his hardest to make it about him.
9:00—Reese Witherspoon wins. She is beautiful in the movie (with brown hair, natch) and beautiful here. I love her too. My roommate exclaims, "I want to be married and famous and beautiful!" As do I, roomie, as do I.
9:02—Chris Rock reminds everyone that they "only have to be nice to black people for two more hours!" Thank God.
9:03—Mary-Louise Parker vs. those Desperate Housewives Bitches
9:04—NANCY BOTWIN WINS! NANCY BOTWINS! Weeds is the best show and she is my favorite person in the entire world, for serious yo. MLP tells everyone on the show she wants to makeout with them. I do too. Where is Romany Malco?
9:10—Emma Thompson gives her Austen seal of approval to Pride and Prejudice while at the same time showing that she is cooler and smarter and funnier than Keira Knightley will ever be.
9:12—Kate Beckinsale and Eric Bana present Actor in a Miniseries. Apparently Eric Bana got his his Australian start in comedy (thank you pre-show trivia), but they both seem pretty humorless to me.
9:14—Jonathan Rhys-Meyers wins for Elvis, which is really a way of honoring/promoting Match Point, so there's a little glimpse of inner Hollywood logic for you.
9:17—S. Epatha Merkerson wins for Best Actress in a Miniseries for Lackawanna Blues, but Mira Sorvino wins for most awkward clip moment of the night with her work recounting a painful childhood rape in Human Trafficing.
9:26—Colin Firth introduces Match Point. When he says Scarlett Johannsen's name, she laughs in a way that makes it clear she has a big crush on him. So do I. The difference is that she will probably fuck him later tonight. Bitch.
9:28—Virginia Madsen and Harrison Ford present Best Screenplay. Virginia has a drink in her hand onstage. Mad props Virginia.
9:29—Brokeback wins for Best Screenplay. Diana Ossana gives a nice speech. But Larry McMurty thanks his typewriter, and that's the sort of crazy talk I find appealing when it comes from late middle-aged male writers. If you want to know the way to my heart, just thank your writing implement.
9:35—More NBC stars! This time its Josh Duhamel and Jill Hennessey. I know what shows there on, but I'm a freak, and I'm sure you normal people don't (it's Las Vegas and Crossing Jordan, respectively)
9:36—Desperate Housewives beats far more deserving Entourage and Weeds for Best TV Comedy. Fuck the year of the Networks, Fuck it right in the Ear!
9:38—Penelope Cruz's accent is too thick to be understood by English speaking people.
9:39—Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker, American icons, present Best Foreign Film to Paradise Now, the terrorist movie. Yay Terrorists! Woo-hoo!
9:45—Catherine Deneuve is, and always will be, hot shit. She gives heavily accented props to A History of Violence, one of my favorite movies of the year.
9:47—Original Score, more like Original Bore! I told you I would be drinking.
9:49—Mariah Carey presents best Original Song, and the winner is...Honey! No, it's not, that's just her best song, although Dreamlover's pretty sick too. In real life, the Brokeback song wins. Gustavo Santolalla (love his name, and love his music—I really do listen to his album when I do homework) thanks Fuckus Features, and I laugh.
9:56—Gwyneth is pregnant, and apparently crazy. She keeps calling Demille winner Sir Anthony Hopkins Antony, but I really thought his name was Anthony. Maybe when you get knighted your name is romanized to the furthest possible extent. Or maybe Gwyneth's just a pretentious crazy person these days. I just don't know. Whichever it is, Sir Antony/Anthony has had some bad work done.
10:11—Mandy Moore introduces the Squid and the Whale, moving just an inch closer to that indie cred she has always wanted.
10:13—Clint Eastwood presents best director to...
10:14—Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. The Hollywood Foreign Press can't get by on two high altitude fucks a year, it needs more. The HFPA wants its Brokeback all night long.
10:15—I agree with Ang Lee that this has been a good year for American movies, my roommate doesn't. We throw down.
10:17—John Travolta wants to "acknowledge all the men in the acting categories." I think Johnny T likes to go to Brokeback Mountain a few times a year too, if you know what I mean.
10:19—Usually brooding Joaquin Phoenix makes a joke about winning in the Musical/Comedy category. He is very good looking and has sought treatment for alcoholism. In my apartment, that makes hims just about the hottest thing around.
10:25—Renee Zellweger, who will, what's that everybody, that's right, DIE ALONE, presents Best Comedy/Musical to...
10:34—The cast of WIll and Grace makes the last appearance together. Hollywood rejoices.
10:35—Best TV Drama goes to...
10:36—LOST! Not a surprise at all, but I have to admit, I like this show, when I watch it I mean, which has really only been three episodes, but those were pretty good. So, if the show which will not be named but it is far more fucking deserving is not even nominated, I suppose it's okay if the cocksuckers from Lost win. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
10:41—LEO! LE-O! LEEEEEE-OOOOOOOO! Oh, I guess he's also presenting an award, for Best Actress.
10:42—Felicity Huffman wins for Transamerica. I met her at an art opening this summer (big ups Titus Welliver!) and she's really nice and cool and funny and good with her kids, and I'm a family oriented girl who likes that sort of thing, so I love her. She also gave eloquent recognition of people who risk ostracism to be who they are that I'm too drunk to explain right now, and I've heard she is amazing in Transamerica, so congratulations Felicity Huffman!
10:48—Hilary Swank presents Best Actor in a Drama. Her waist is tiny, her mouth, not so much.
10:49—And the winner is...
10:50—PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN. Heath was robbed! Robbed I tell you! As Tess says, "Philip Seymour Hoffman just acted weird, it wasn't like a real performance." And as we all know from his recent marriage, Heath is all heterosexual Australian man, so playing gay was a real stretch. But seriousyon, I saw both these movies, and while Hoffman was good, Heath was better, and I attribute this to a case of the HFPA feeling the need to spread the art house love. We'll see how it goes come Oscar time, but this will definitely be the race to watch.
10:55—Denzel (I used to give his son back massages in 8th grade, fo reals) presents for Best Motion Picture-Drama. And the winner is...
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN! YAY! I cried during this movie and my mom made fun of me for it, but I'll claim that's just because her generation is less accepting than mine. This movie was amazing, and I dare you to find a more touching embrace of a button down shirt in all of film history.

Well, that's it people. It's been good for me. I hope it's been good for you too. Who knows, if you're lucky, I may be back for the Oscars.


Nosferatu said...

She's back!

millertime said...

i love you so much!!!!!! i wish i was up in the taft with u, greta, etc. so bad. alanis blonde scares me, virginia madsen has huge boobs, and terri hatcherr looks diff. everyday... honey stop getting botoxed, collagened etc. u look like a plastic puppy from hell, oh yeah, eat something too. xxoo

Dan said...

Liz- thanks for this great post. Melanie Griffith sounded like a drunk girl on prom night. Or rather a drunk 50 year old woman who must talk out of the side of her mouth due to dozens of plastic surgeries. My fave moments:
"Mira Sorvino wins for most awkward clip moment of the night with her work recounting a painful childhood rape in Human Trafficking." AND
"I think Johnny T likes to go to Brokeback Mountain a few times a year too, if you know what I mean."

Sam Alito said...

I'd like to point out that Jamie Foxx continued the long tradition of black people mispronouncing names with his "Laura LINLEY" gaffe. Dr. King would have been proud.