An Inconvenient Truth

For many years, this blog has been ignoring the overwhelming body of scientific evidence. "The data doesn't go back far enough to know for sure," we said. "That's just a bunch of left-wing alarmists." But the Inconvenient Truth has become all too clear to us now. Carbohydrate consumptions are literally destroying this planet, and unless we do something about it soon, it may be too late.

So from this day forward, DelinoDeShields.com will dedicate itself to reducing its Carbo Footprint. Our efforts will involve some conservation measures, including open-faced sandwiches rather than traditional two-bread-piece sandwiches. Another exciting initiative is our purchase of Carbo Offsets, whereby every 35 dollars we donate funds one Peter Luger's steak for a villager in Tanzania. We aim for Delino to go Carbo Neutral.

But you know, this movement can only do so much on its own. Ultimately, the federal government will need to do its part as well. That's why we here at Delino are advocating for the pricing of Carbs. Whether it's through a Carbo Tax or a Carbo Auction, I'll leave that question to the economists - but we need something! And then we must use the money from the carbo-pricing mechanism to fund a sort of Apollo Project for alternative food sources. One promising idea involves an all-Muscle Milk diet.

Whatever the policies end up being, the important point is, we can no longer live with our heads in the sand. The gathering storm is only getting worse, and we must do something about it soon, before it's too late...

Huffington Post SCOOP!

The scoops just keep coming for Delino-- here is a piece that will appear on Huffington Post next week:




Richard Moll is a Los Angeles-based actor and playwright. He has appeared in countless direct-to-video horror films since his acclaimed role as "Bull" on Night Court.

It's Valentine's Day. I know, I know. I should be happy- my beautiful wife Susan and I are going to dinner at a delightful Peruvian restaurant in Westwood for ceviche. But NOT. THIS. YEAR.

How about the spouses and significant others of the 3,814 servicemen and servicewomen who have died during this illegal war? The 150,000 dead Iraqi civilians?


This isn't the Bush Doctrine, it's the Bush League Doctrine. Where were the WMDs? The only WMDs we found were Willfully Misleading Demagogues- Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Condaleezza Rice.

But no, we shouldn't talk about IMPEACHING these war criminals! Impeachment is for serious crimes, like getting a blowjob. Raping the entire Middle East with your missile-dick? That deserves merely a few negative editorials in the New York Times.

A lot of people have been talking recently about how Hillary Clinton being President would bring back all that "'90s stuff" we thought we were past. Yeah all that nasty '90s stuff like peace and prosperity! The middle class saw its real median wage climb by 30% in ten years. I saw it myself, with all those Night Court residuals coming in every month. This decade? The middle class's real median wage has actually shrunk, as have my residuals. Is it a coincidence that WGN stopped airing Night Court reruns a week after George Bush took office?

And don't even get me started on global warming! If I, with my 6'8 frame, can squeeze myself into a tiny Prius, I think those little soccer moms can switch from their SUVs. Jesus Christ, wake up and smell the burning planet, Middle America!

With two strong candidates in Hillary and Barack, it looks like the Dems are in good shape for November, but given the assclowns who run the Democratic party, you can never rule out a complete and utter collapse. And then good ol' Johnnie McCain'll be Pres-o-dent, and we'll keep slaughtering brown people in Iraq for "another 100 years!" And look out Iran, you're next- "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran!"

So yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Other Stories on Huffington Post:
LARK VOORHIES takes on Harry Reid over Telecom Immunity
JALEEL WHITE on shutting down GITMO
IAN ZIERING takes a critical look at the so-called "Social Security Crisis"

Rebate Check Party!

So the finalized plan of $600 per person- one dinner at Masa is how Treasury Secretary Paulson put it- is in place but I wrote this post before that so just hang with me here:

As if you didn't have enough reasons to vote for O-bombs, now he is calling for a $250 check for every middle-class American! [Let's ignore the fact that I am somehow considered middle class under his definition- how gauche, I should really return the check out of class solidarity with my fellow Yale Club members] Assuming this happens, the bloggers should have a rebate check party - Foie Gras! Caviar! Decent but not that impressive watches! The possibilities are endless. Not to be outdone by his fellow former yeyo-experimenter, there are rumors that Bush might offer a rebate of two 8-balls rather than a mere one 8-ball ($500 vs. $250). We'll see how it shakes out.

Which reminds me of a conversation Tom and I recently had re: contraband, at the Kati Roll place.

Tom: Hey Dan could you bring these Kati Rolls to my splace - I need to go to the bank. Oh shit, we're across the street from PressToast. The guy at PT knows you're my buddy and I'm not getting my daily sandwich from him, he'd be pissed at me if he found out. You should hide those Kati Rolls OK?

Dan: Got it.
(Dan takes out a massive package of condoms and starts cutting the Kati Rolls into small chunks)

Tom: What are you doing, Dan? You can just put the Kati Roll bag under your jacket when you walk by PressToast.

Dan: Shhh.
(Dan starts stuffing the Kati Roll pieces into the condoms to make little pellets)

Tom: Dan, seriously just stop it!

Dan: And let them find it? Never. Stop talking so loudly.
(Dan starts swallowing the condom pellets of Kati roll)

Tom: Dan, you're fucking insane!

Dan: Just (swallows a pellet) doing my job.

Tom: Alright, alright. You know the protocol if one of those, um, comes out the other side?

Dan: Wash it off and re-swallow it?

Tom: I didn't say you could wash it off!

Dan: Yes, boss.
(Dan swallows another pellet)

today on the subway

So I'm sitting on the subway and the girl across from me is reading Eat, Pray, Love, that chick lit book about some woman who travels the world to find love and meaning and all that. Meanwhile, I'm just casually reading Robert Nozick's Anarchy, State, and Utopia, the libertarian philosophical treatise. And the girls asks me "Is Anarchy, State, and Utopia the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love?" I mean come on!


NB: Some, or possibly all, of the events in this story are embellished, except for the part about me reading Anarchy, State and Utopia- Tom, you impressed? Anyone impressed? Just a little?

American Gladiators: The New Class

First of all, I'd like to note that I have beef with the new American Gladiators because they didn't pick Finnegan as a contestant. But I swallowed my pride and watched the first episode. What most struck me is that it looks like AG went to The Man Hole or some other L.A. gay bar to find the male Gladiators- check out these pics:

WOLF













TITAN:












JUSTICE:

New Year's thoughts

Happy New Year, blog readers! Just as the clock struck Midnight, I noted that the biggest change will be that sassy African-American women will now have to say, "Honey, it's 2008, ain't nothin' we can't do!" instead of "Honey, it's 2007, ain't nothin' we can't do!"

On another note, I'm excited for Ariel, who will celebrate his SEVENTH birthday thanks to this year being a leap year!

Finnegan sentence of the day: CHRISTMAS EDITION

Merrry Christmas blog-fans! In honor of this special day, I've got for you kiddies a special treat-- a Finnegan sentence taken completely out of context. Enjoy!

What I'm interested in is D'Souza's insouciance in bandying Pascal's Wager about without really understanding the math involved in game-theoretic decision making (if he does understand it, his argument is just totally dishonest), so that he's incapable of making discriminations among different cases which are qualitatively alike, but which, on quantitative grounds, lead to divergent conclusions.

Guest Post: King Cong

OK guys and gals, this is BIG!

So it turns out that Than Merrill, a regular Mitt Romney if I've ever seen one, was not simply content with creating the first fresh-mex restaurant in New Haven- Mexicali Grille. Of course I am not going to rehash the debate as to whether Mexicali was really fresh-mex or if J Cong's corporate raider-style takeover conversion into the Double B represented the true introduction of fresh-mex. Either way, everyone agrees that the Bulldog Cantina just kicked it up a whole notch and showed Cong-Dawg to be a veritable Lee Iacocca. Now Merrill, having been shown up by his successor, has decided to go back to the drawing board and enter the real estate world. Merrill has been so successful as a real estate magnate that he was featured on A&E's Flip This House. Well now King Cong is mad! So I gave him a forum to vent his anger and speak to the public right here on this blog:

With Beneficent Allah in Vienna, this is a perfect time to make some opera analogies. You see I am Mozart to Than Merrill's Salieri. He came first. He's got a certain workmanlike ability about him. He gets the job done. But what does he lack? Inspiration! Creativity! GENIUS!

Did Than Merrill think of adding a FOURTH type of salsa to complement Mild, Medium and Hot? No, sadly the patrons of Mexicali Grille went pico de gallo-less for months, just as the patrons of Vienna's Opera House went without the light, airy, ethereal touch of The Magic Flute for so long. The list of my innovations goes on- the Cantina, the exposed kitchen, the CNN Headline News with closed captions.

And like Salieri, Than Merrill has been trying to take me down. It seems Merrill was whispering scurrilous lies about me and my restaurant into the ear of extremely influential Play Magazine food critic Joe Scarpano just as Salieri poisoned the ear of Emperor Joseph II with lies about Mozart.

But now Merrill, having been vanquished in the art of restauranteurage, has decided to move on to Real Estate. I hesitate to stoop to the level of such a coward, but to show my range of abilities, I will try to get on Flip This House as well. Let me tell you something, for a guy whose living is basically "Flip This Quesadilla," I don't imagine expanding on the concept will be too hard.

Here is the bold strategy I am thinking of for this project:
1. Buy a dilapidated house on Dixwell
2. Fill the refrigerator with some premium GUAC from the Double B. I'm talking guac in every crevice of that thing- veggie crisper, shelves, butter drawer, you name it
3. Matter of fact, put some guac in the freezer too.
4. BOOM- Flip that house for twice the purchase price

De l'eau nouveau

Haven't blogged about the bottled water scene lately, but I have to report on a huge new development-- San Benedetto, or SAN BENEDETZZZ as I call it familiarly -- has taken the Danosphere by storm!

I had it in Italy several years ago but then I totally forgot about it until a couple recent pleasant reminders. First I had it at the D.E. Shaw Christmas party. (Tom and I snuck a bottle for ourselves and chugged it like I did back in High School- ahhh, those were the days...) Then I had it at the 'Bucks in Puerto Rico, and it sealed the deal.

San Benedetz tastes minerally like Ev-ee-yawwwn, but it doesn't have that cummy aftertaste. In fact that would make a great slogan:

"San Benedetto - Tastes great, Less Cummy!"

Mingling at the DE Shaw Party

Tom and Kingspawn invited me to the DE Shaw Holiday Party again this year. It was a classy affair at Cipriani filled with some of the financial industry's elites, and I wanted to make sure I made a good impression, so my M.O. for the night was this kind of scene:

(Music blaring in background)
WORK IT HARDER MAKE IT BETTER
DO IT FASTER, MAKES US STRONGER
MORE THAN EVER HOUR AFTER
OUR WORK IS NEVER OVER,
WORK IT MAKE IT...

(I approach a group of randoms dancing together in a group)
Me (moving unrhythmically, yelling to be heard): HOW ABOUT THAT CREDIT CRUNCH! HUH! NEXT YEAR THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AT QUIZNO'S!
(No response)
Me: SUBPRIME LOANS!
(No response)
Me: FREDDIE MAC!
(No response)
Me: FRED THOMPSON

Me (muttering to myself): That reminds me, can't believe I missed the GOP debate- even after AG reminded me....