Since I am ever so cultured, I decided to have lunch today at a McDonald´s here in Madrid. I settled into a corner booth and told my assistant Rich to order me a McSalad and a Mineral Water (I´m tipping the scales at 150 so I´m watching my weight now). Since Rich was up for an evaluation this month by the Delino Board of Directors (Me and Tom), I decided to watch him order. This is what transpired:
Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like a McSalad and a Mineral Water.
McDonald´s Employee: OK, one Big Mac it is then.
Rich (perfect Spanish): No, I said a McSalad and a Water.
McDonald´s Employee: Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit.
Rich, who is anorexic, did not understand what was happening. I begrudgingly ate the Big Mac, but I beat him with a cat o´ nine tails a couple times to make sure this didn´t happen again. So I was reassured when Rich and I went to the train station and I told Rich to order tickets and the following transpired:
Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like 2 tickets for Sunday´s 11 o´clock train from Madrid to Barcelona.
Railway Employee: So you want 2 for the 11 o´clock to Barcelona?
Rich (perfect Spanish): Yes, that´s right.
Railway Employee (pulling something from under his desk): Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit. NEXT!
I was a bit discouraged by this turn of events, but Rich had the idea to go to the Reyna Sofia Museum, so we went. I was wearing my baseball hat and sunglasses to remain incognito, just minding my own business, when I overheard a tatooed guy with a long goatee whisper to his girlfriend, ¨Is that him?¨ and she said, ¨But I heard he was 10 feet tall, with fingers made out of titanium¨, and finally he said, ¨Fuck it, I´m talking to him¨, and the following conversation occurred:
Tatooed Guy with Goatee: Um, excuse me, hi. Are you Dan, from Delino DeShields?
Me (to Rich): What is this guy, in a rock band or something?
Rich: Actually, that´s Scott Ian, the lead singer of Anthrax [ed´s note: he really was there]
Me: (jerk-off motion). Yes, it is I.
Scott Ian: I just wanted to say, I´m a huge fan of the blog. Could I get a picture, or an autograph?
Me: Rich, get one of the autographed headshots from your satchel.
(Rich obliges, Scott Ian does not move)