Tuesday, June 28, 2005
After a long day of being carried by palanquin from Barcelona to Nice, Dan and I decided to sit down for dinner and drinks at a fine establishment called Le Pizza. With our slaves having not carried us quickly enough, we arrived at the restaurant a little later than anticipated, and immediately after having been seated, we placed our drink orders. A bottle of the house red for myself and a bottle of beer for the Head Blogger. Now Dan and I like to travel in style, so for this occasion I was wearing my canary yellow polo shirt while Dan was sporting a light blue Lacoste shirt (see Blog on the Run: Barcelona for a better idea of our social standing). Upon receiving the bottle of red wine, our garcon proceeded to open it (something he should probably be pretty good at as a waiter in the South of France) and spray it onto my shirt and Dan's pants. This of course was unacceptable (and he would later join our traveling caravan...but not before something else happened).
After Dan and I had suitably cooled off from the wine fiasco, Dan was ripping off a piece of bread for himself (why he did not enlist help for this task I will never know...did I fail him as an assistant? Which I still was at this time...) when his hand went flying, knocking his entire glass of beer all over the table, the floor, and the two of us, while also manging to shatter the salt and pepper shakers and attract the attention of every other person in the restaurant. Naturally Dan considered it to be the funniest moment of the trip, but his smile was quickly wiped off his face, like so much excess garlic from a bite of broccoli rabe. The waiter heard the commotion, and after assessing the situation, proceeded to rip the alligator off of Dan's shirt and tell him that he was unfit to wear that great symbol of French national snootiness.
Since that time Dan has received an alarming number of charitable donations in the form of 1 and 2 euro coins...you figure it out.
While this may be my first official post on Not About Delino Deshields, I cut my blogging teeth over at Not About Marquis Grissom (marquisgrissom.blogspot.com), another fantastic blog that serves as a sort of minor league system for the major league Yale blogosphere. If anyone has any questions about my work there or how you too can get started there, let me know.
My son has a Blog. He has a Blog, and when you acknowledge that, then maybe we will have something to talk about.
Tom's Blogging Tutor: You have no idea what I want. What is Blogging, do you think? Those who Blog for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Dan Berger got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to Blog like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Berger. He sees like him, inside.
Tom's Father: You can tell this by watching him tell Back to the Future jokes to some drunks in the park?
Tom's Blogging Tutor: Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Dan Berger took with him when he disappeared.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Me: Huh, Adamm N. Don't know that guy. I bet it's just Tom playing a joke on me. Nobody writes master's dissertations about blogs.
Freeman: No Daniel, Ah checked the IP Address, it's not Tom's computer.
Me: Oh so I guess it was Eric. Well at least he's doing something non-chess related.
Freeman: Goddamnit Daniel, there are other people in the world besides your blogging friends. Think about it- ADAMM N. ADAMM N.
Me: I know an Adam L. from high school, but...
Freeman: A-D-A-M-M N. It's MADMAN rearranged. This is the pyschopath we've been looking for.
Me: And he's randomly targeting bloggers?
Freeman (pacing around me): Nothing about serial killers is random, Daniel. Everything is part of his plan. So the question is, 'Wah Delino?'
Me: Why Delino? Because it's so popular, I guess.
Freeman (now in my face): No, Daniel, your blog only gets 40 unique readers a day, and half of those are Tom checking from different computers. WAH DELINO?
Me: I don't know, Mr. Freeman!
Freeman: Don't they teach you anything in your fancy schools, Daniel? Se7en...
Me (close-up): Oh... my... god. The seven deadly blog genres.
Freeman: I'm afraid so, Daniel. He wants to kill one blogger for each of the seven deadly blog genres. Media- Nostradamus. Entertainment- That Girl. Political/Humor- Actual Rod. Humor/Political- Hidden Hand. Random Musings- Actual God. Left wing Political- Finnegan. And Humor- DAN.
Me: This is terrible. (pause) Though I might point out that Munz would have been more appropriate for left wing political, as Finnegan has a more libertarian bent.
Freeman: This is a serial killer we're dealing with here, Daniel- he doesn't make those kinds of distinctions. But yes, of course the thought occurred to me. Now let's hit the streets and find that perp.
Me: Wait. There's just one thing I still don't understand.
Freeman: And what's that?
Me: Why do you have those dots on your cheeks?
Freeman: They're called Dermatosis Papulosa Nigra. They're very common among African-American men my age. For more information, visit this website.
Until Freeman and I catch this creep, I urge all of you in the blogosphere to be vigilant and always walk home using the buddy system.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Foxwoods, as you might know, is the largest and least fun casino in America. This is perhaps due to the fact that the people who are the sort to drive to the middle of the woods in Connecticut to play bingo are a pretty depressing breed. Accordingly, last night, as usual, the poker room was stocked with surly regulars and college-aged, shades-wearing, WPT wannabes (like me).
At my table one regular was showing a group of friends photos from a small photo album.
M: What are those pictures of?
SR: Thailand--I went to [some Thai city I can't remember. It might have been "Akjefkn"] for my 50th birthday. It was great.
After his friend was done, I asked to see the pictures. The regular handed the album to me and I began to casually flip through it as I played. After about 10 unremarkable photos (pretty sunset, the beach, a Starbucks in downtown Akjefkn (ha ha)) I stumbled on the first of about 15 nude photographs of the Thai prostitute that had apparently been this gentleman's birthday present to himself. These photos were fairly explicit, and the gentleman was clearly quite proud of his conquest. I kept it together for about a minute before I had to run off and giggle with Dave.
On the drive home, Dave and I laughed about the story as he polished off a banana. Before I could stop him, however, Dave cast the peel out the window, and the car behind us ran over it and lost all its coins.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
After a relaxing day at the beach in Nice, my assistant Rich and I went for a stroll down one of the city's main streets. Along the way, I noticed a street performer dressed as Darth Vader. Now this was one of those street performers who stands still for hours on end until someone gives him a coin, at which point he does a dance. Keep in mind that it was almost 90 degress out and a Darth Vader costume is all black with a heavy helmet. I looked into Darth's basket and saw that there were several 1 Euro coins in there. Since this guy could barely see through the eyeholes in his mask, I placed One Cent in the basket.
Darth, hearing the sound of the coin and seeing me drop it in (assuming I'd paid the normal 1 Euro or at least 50 cents), bowed to me and Rich, and then proceeded to act out a complex and physically demanding light saber duel with a phantom opponent. I initially managed to contain myself from laughing as I thought about how much exhausting work I had made this man do in the hot sun for a mere penny. But he subsequently pressed a button which made the Darth Vader heavy breathing sound, and then HE made heavy breathing sounds because of his exhaustion. At this point, I burst out laughing hysterically, and Rich began to chuckle as well.
Here Rich overstepped his boundaries, and I decided he needed to remember his place. So I made him put on the guy's Darth Vader costume and act out the duel for free, while I shot at his feet with a revolver.
Coda: Now Rich will not have to suffer such indignities, and instead I have trustly Hu Jintao, whose other job is president of China or some shit. That will have to take a backseat to my every whim.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
At the casino last night, after my assistant Rich hauled me there using the Fireman´s Carry technique, I witnessed an astounding sight:
A guy with thinning, slicked-back hair is wearing a ten dollar suit and chain smoking, muttering to himself as he watches his horse racing bets go horribly wrong. Seems fairly typical actually, right. The catch: he´s betting on a horse-racing videogame produced by Sega. When he caught me staring at him, he said, ¨hey man, I got an inside tip and it didn´t pan out.¨
Monday, June 20, 2005
Location: Manhattan - 42nd st. and 8th ave.
I'm sitting in an internet cafe right now and I still have about 44 minutes left. There isn't really much to do after I checked my 7 e-mail accounts. So I've taken to reading the gentlemen's screen next to me. I lean back in my chair a little so he can't see me in the likely case he has tremendous peripheral vision. If you're wondering what he looks like, imagine a balding Ed Rooney/ office space guy. Judging by his diction he seems to be a gay, overweight Christian who is distressed about a lover he met on yahoo. This lover in all likelyhood turned out to be a transexual who has since ignored his romantic advances and looks like he is on the verge of being dumped.
He also can't see me because he's a terrible typer (Probably never used Mavis Beacon (Condoleeza Rice's role model) ) having to constantly look down at the key board to see what he is typing.
Here's part of the e-mail he's writing:
This is your christian Brother in Arms John... why haven't you e-mailed me in so long. I have met a new TRUE BEILEVER. Has someone put a VOODO HEX on you? I wanted to say I love you. Should I come out to California to see you?
At this point I became a little brazen, staring directly at his screen. He saw me!
I've been sort of afraid to look again.
A little while later he check the movie times on Yahoo as well. It look's like he'll be seeing the 9:00 pm showing of Batman Begins at the Loews Kips Bay tonite.
Now I am in Barcelona, where they speak some pigeon language called Catalan. Spanish is gross enough, now you´re telling me that you´re bastardizing Spanish- I think there are species of dolphin that use more respectable languages.
Nevertheless, there is an upper class here that is quite elite, and you can tell who they are because they are always wearing Lacoste polo shirts. In fact, I was sitting on a park bench wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, and one of these upper class guys came up to me with the leftovers of his Cobb salad, and said to his young son, ¨You see Pablo, it is our responsibility to help the paupers.¨
On an unrelated point, go see Batman Begins, it´s amazing. More forthcoming.
Friday, June 17, 2005
¨What did you say?¨ = EXCUSE ME- I´m... from... Am-er-ica! I DON´T SPEAK MEXICAN!
¨What does that cost?¨= Goddamnit, why don´t any of you mongrels speak English? Here´s a Dollar, that should equal like a billion of your shit Peso currency.
Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like a McSalad and a Mineral Water.
McDonald´s Employee: OK, one Big Mac it is then.
Rich (perfect Spanish): No, I said a McSalad and a Water.
McDonald´s Employee: Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit.
Rich, who is anorexic, did not understand what was happening. I begrudgingly ate the Big Mac, but I beat him with a cat o´ nine tails a couple times to make sure this didn´t happen again. So I was reassured when Rich and I went to the train station and I told Rich to order tickets and the following transpired:
Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like 2 tickets for Sunday´s 11 o´clock train from Madrid to Barcelona.
Railway Employee: So you want 2 for the 11 o´clock to Barcelona?
Rich (perfect Spanish): Yes, that´s right.
Railway Employee (pulling something from under his desk): Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit. NEXT!
I was a bit discouraged by this turn of events, but Rich had the idea to go to the Reyna Sofia Museum, so we went. I was wearing my baseball hat and sunglasses to remain incognito, just minding my own business, when I overheard a tatooed guy with a long goatee whisper to his girlfriend, ¨Is that him?¨ and she said, ¨But I heard he was 10 feet tall, with fingers made out of titanium¨, and finally he said, ¨Fuck it, I´m talking to him¨, and the following conversation occurred:
Tatooed Guy with Goatee: Um, excuse me, hi. Are you Dan, from Delino DeShields?
Me (to Rich): What is this guy, in a rock band or something?
Rich: Actually, that´s Scott Ian, the lead singer of Anthrax [ed´s note: he really was there]
Me: (jerk-off motion). Yes, it is I.
Scott Ian: I just wanted to say, I´m a huge fan of the blog. Could I get a picture, or an autograph?
Me: Rich, get one of the autographed headshots from your satchel.
(Rich obliges, Scott Ian does not move)
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Some of you may not know this, but in my younger days, I used to be a detective for the LAPD- a damn good one. Using the detective skills I picked up during the "Four Clubs beat a King" era, I think I've solved the case of the missing teen in Aruba, Natalee Holloway. Here is a clue I gleaned from Fox News:
"police arrived, and found a pair of torn pink-and-white polka dot panties and three condoms, two of them used. They also found some duct tape wrapped around a tree."
Well this seems pretty open and shut. This girl got drunk, tore off her panties in preparation for intercourse with Kingspawn, but Kingspawn, finding her body not to his liking, instead jerked off into two condoms while thinking about Maxim babe Whitney Seibel. Then when Natalee started crying, he duct taped her mouth to shut her up. After she calmed down, he took the tape off and placed it on the tree, and politely told her that she would have to lose some weight before he would have sex with her, and gave her the extra condom in the case that a guy with lower standards than himself came along. Kingspawn went on his merry way, leaving Natalee unharmed (except emotionally), when Nostradamus came along.
Nostradamnus sedated Natalee and shipped her on a Chinese cargo steamer to New Haven, where he locked her up in his un-air conditioned apartment and is forcing her to write blog posts under the name "Arlo Harshenstein," while feeding her nothing but fish cake from Ivy Noodle. The people from Ivy Noodle should by now know that some sort of torture situation is occurring, as no one would order fish cake of their own accord- but then again, these are the types of sadistic fucks who try to get a man to use the urinal while another man is making a BM on the toilet in the same bathroom. And there you have it, folks.
For the record though, the prominent coverage of this Natalee Holloway story is part of the Mainstream Media's plan to divert the public from important issues like the Energy Bill being debated in Congress. And when was the last time the MSM focused on the case of a missing black or latino girl? In conclusion, fuck the MSM- you can get all you need to know from the Yale Blogosphere.
Monday, June 13, 2005
acclaimed How to Read and Why and it's eagerly anticipated sequel, How to Read 'How to Read and Why' and Why.
Now, as you may know, Harold Bloom is notorious throughout academia for being an unapologetic misogynist--the most recent scandal being his alleged sexual harassment of Naomi Wolf, a former student. Of course however, these rumors are completely overblown, and actually on the Naomi Front, I and others concluded, on the basis of no facts, that she was in fact lying.
While these accusations of misconduct on Bloom’s part are all false, he is by no means the perfect teacher. In fact, his insistence on calling all female students and female literary characters “Hand-Job Machine(s)” makes many of his comments in class horribly ambiguous. Take for example the following cryptic remark:
Bloom: Hand-Job Machine makes an excellent point here. I want you all to go re-read Act IV and really consider for a moment the significance of Hand-Job Machine’s ever bloodied hands.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
I was reminded of all this because I inadvertently attended this year's PR Day Parade. On the upside, I did see Senator Chuck Schumer along the parade route.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Drudge Report: Vagina makeovers all the rage...
Stubbs performs what he calls “the Toronto trim,” a combo procedure that includes a reduction of the inner labia and a slight “unhooding” of the clitoris so the little man in the boat isn’t being quite so reclusive.
Gregory A. Plotnikoff, MD
Associate Medical Director of the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery
“I had another lady from Saudi Arabia who had five children by the time she was 30, and was planning to go to Switzerland for [tightening] surgery so that she could keep her husband happy and interested.”
“People have suggested they’ve looked at Playboy or Penthouse,” confirms Dr. Ronald Blatt, medical director of the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery. “They come in and say, ‘Make it look like that.’”
(Editor's note: Yeah, I know, this is Hidden Hand material, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry.)
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
When I got to the snack shack, or "19th hole," I looked around at the snacks available there- Gatorade X-factor (a disgusting mixture of Strawberry and Lemon-Lime), Payday bar (according to Delino archivist Eric, no store has ever sold a Payday bar in history), Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies (too mealy!!), etc.- and remarked, "Yikes- what a terrible selection of snacks." Keep in mind of course that these snacks would be paid for by my friend's rich parents. As you would expect, Samuel, though exhausted and panting from the day's work, understood how subtly frustrating this was: "Right again, Mister Dan. This is terrible, they don't even have Fritos."
Tom sits in the intern cubicle. He has just returned from furtively masturbating in the bathroom and he is reading the Drudge Report.
Nancy (Intern Co-ordinator): Okay Tom, here is your next intern project: cleaning up the intern cubicle.
Tom: What do you mean? It's perfectly clean.
Nancy: Well, for one thing, the floor is entirely covered with paperclips.
Tom: I don't see any papercli--
Nancy removes a box of paperclips from her pocket and dumps them all over the floor.
Tom: Oh. There they are.
My new job is with an investment/finance ambiguity called D.E. Shaw. I have no idea what my job entails, but the company is quite fascinating. What I've learned so far is that they own a money-making machine and employ people like me to come in every morning and turn it on and then turn it off in the evening before we leave. Once, not too long ago, a man asked "Why do we turn the money machine off at night?" He was quickly made CEO.
Monday, June 06, 2005
"Bolivia President Offers to Resign"
"Iraq Nabs Nearly 900 Suspected Militants "
"Experts Warn of Intelligence Confusion"
Below this is a "Most Popular" heading, listing the news stories that were most often emailed. #1 on the list?
"Ringwald Mulls 'Sixteen Candles' Sequel"
Sent 916 times
LOS ANGELES - Could it be time to put more candles on the cake? Molly Ringwald said she's in discussions to make a sequel to "Sixteen Candles," the 1984 movie about the obstacles and embarrassments a teen girl faces on her birthday.
Below this is a "Most Viewed News" heading, listing the news stories that were most often viewed. #1 on the list?
"Brad Pitt Says Media Focus Is 'Misguided'"
NEW YORK - Brad Pitt is taking on poverty and AIDS in Africa — and the tabloids. In an hour-long ABC "Primetime Live" special set to air Tuesday night (10 p.m. ET), Pitt talks to Diane Sawyer about the humanitarian crisis in Africa.
Of course, the Top Story according to Tom (yes yes) was Jessica Alba at the MTV Movie Awards:
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The second and third pictures are from the Mitropa Cup, a yearly championship for European teams, which was won in a breath-taking finish by Slovenia this year. They did it both in the men's section with a last-minute victory over Hungary. In the women's section it was mainly due to an 8/9 score by Anna Muzychuk.
In the final round of the women's section Anna Muzychuk and Vesna Rozic were given the task of scoring 2:0 for Slovenia against Austria II – which they dutifully did. The young Muzychuk scored eight out of nine in this event, with an Elo performance of 2532. She was elected Miss Mitropacup by a big margin.
Games played with White
Games played with Black
Friday, June 03, 2005
Good Evening, my fellow blog citizens. Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly (first comment) Flame attacks aimed at our very own blogger, Tom. Like the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japs in 1941, these acts were intended to frighten our blog into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; our blog is strong.
Delino was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the blogosphere, and no one- NO ONE will keep that light from shining.
Today our blog saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of Delino- with the daring of our rescue workers, with the neighbors who came to let Tom cry on their shoulders and help in any other way they could.
Our first priority is to get help to those who have been injured, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the blogosphere from further Flame attacks.
The functions of our blog will continue without interruption. Delino offices which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight, and will be open for business tomorrow.
Intelligence reports indicate that an individual calling himself "Kingspawn" is behind these evil acts, although Hizbollah has claimed responsibility- most likely for publicity reasons. I've directed the full resources of Delino's intelligence and law enforcement agencies to find all of those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the cyber-terrorists who committed these acts of horrific Flaming and those who harbor them.
To our potential allies around the blogosphere- Actual Rod, That Girl, Finnegan, Nostradamus, Actual God, even Munz- I urge you to join with all those who want peace and security in the blogosphere, for if we stand together, we can win this war against Flamers. Flaming is not just a tactic, it is part of a virulent and hateful strand of the larger Commentary ideology. Make no mistake, there are good and decent Commenters all over the blogosphere, elaborating on posts and even making legitimate complaints and critiques. But these Flamers have hijacked the fundamentally peaceful religion of Commentary for their own destructive and hateful purposes.
Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Flames, I fear no evil, for You are with me."
Delino has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend all that is good and just in our blogosphere.
Thank you. Good night, and God bless Delino.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
(Queen's Gambit, then white Knight checkmate Black King)