Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I'll bring the blog posts till you're laughing in your seat

Blogger's log, star date 24 June 2005

Nice, France--

After a long day of being carried by palanquin from Barcelona to Nice, Dan and I decided to sit down for dinner and drinks at a fine establishment called Le Pizza. With our slaves having not carried us quickly enough, we arrived at the restaurant a little later than anticipated, and immediately after having been seated, we placed our drink orders. A bottle of the house red for myself and a bottle of beer for the Head Blogger. Now Dan and I like to travel in style, so for this occasion I was wearing my canary yellow polo shirt while Dan was sporting a light blue Lacoste shirt (see Blog on the Run: Barcelona for a better idea of our social standing). Upon receiving the bottle of red wine, our garcon proceeded to open it (something he should probably be pretty good at as a waiter in the South of France) and spray it onto my shirt and Dan's pants. This of course was unacceptable (and he would later join our traveling caravan...but not before something else happened).

After Dan and I had suitably cooled off from the wine fiasco, Dan was ripping off a piece of bread for himself (why he did not enlist help for this task I will never know...did I fail him as an assistant? Which I still was at this time...) when his hand went flying, knocking his entire glass of beer all over the table, the floor, and the two of us, while also manging to shatter the salt and pepper shakers and attract the attention of every other person in the restaurant. Naturally Dan considered it to be the funniest moment of the trip, but his smile was quickly wiped off his face, like so much excess garlic from a bite of broccoli rabe. The waiter heard the commotion, and after assessing the situation, proceeded to rip the alligator off of Dan's shirt and tell him that he was unfit to wear that great symbol of French national snootiness.

Since that time Dan has received an alarming number of charitable donations in the form of 1 and 2 euro coins...you figure it out.




Postscript:

While this may be my first official post on Not About Delino Deshields, I cut my blogging teeth over at Not About Marquis Grissom (marquisgrissom.blogspot.com), another fantastic blog that serves as a sort of minor league system for the major league Yale blogosphere. If anyone has any questions about my work there or how you too can get started there, let me know.

History on this computer

I'm in an internet cafe in Milan, and I'm scouring the web as I am wont to do. I accidentally close a window I was looking at, and in order to find what the site address was, I look at "today's history" for the computer. I find my site about the evils of Scientology rather quickly, but then I look through all the other sites that have been visited today on this computer. Here is a sampling to give you the flavor: www.seductive-gay-porn.com, www.seeking4men.com, www.sickgay.com, www.sexysoldiers.com, www.aboutgay.com, www.topstuds.com, etc. etc. it goes on in this vein. I take a more thorough look through the list and see that literally every site except the ones I looked at were gay porn. Then I see something strange, this biography (with photo) of former Secretary of State James Baker is in there too. Looks like Jamie Kirchick beat me to this computer. I am now going to place my precious blogging fingers into a vat of lye and hope for the best.

World Series of Poker Gold Bracelet Winner











"Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!"

My son has a Blog. He has a Blog, and when you acknowledge that, then maybe we will have something to talk about.

An excerpt from Eric's directorial debut, Searching for Bloggy Fischer:

Tom's Blogging Tutor
: You have no idea what I want. What is Blogging, do you think? Those who Blog for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Dan Berger got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to Blog like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Berger. He sees like him, inside.

Tom's Father: You can tell this by watching him tell Back to the Future jokes to some drunks in the park?

Tom's Blogging Tutor: Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Dan Berger took with him when he disappeared.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Wah Delino?

On the most recent post by Al, some of you may have noticed a mysterious comment made by an "Adamm N." I thought little of it, but my partner (not in blogging, but in detective work) Morgan Freeman, believed it to be highly unusual. The following exchange took place one rainy night in our dingy offices:

Me: Huh, Adamm N. Don't know that guy. I bet it's just Tom playing a joke on me. Nobody writes master's dissertations about blogs.

Freeman: No Daniel, Ah checked the IP Address, it's not Tom's computer.

Me: Oh so I guess it was Eric. Well at least he's doing something non-chess related.

Freeman: Goddamnit Daniel, there are other people in the world besides your blogging friends. Think about it- ADAMM N. ADAMM N.

Me: I know an Adam L. from high school, but...

Freeman: A-D-A-M-M N. It's MADMAN rearranged. This is the pyschopath we've been looking for.

Me: And he's randomly targeting bloggers?

Freeman (pacing around me): Nothing about serial killers is random, Daniel. Everything is part of his plan. So the question is, 'Wah Delino?'

Me: Why Delino? Because it's so popular, I guess.

Freeman (now in my face): No, Daniel, your blog only gets 40 unique readers a day, and half of those are Tom checking from different computers. WAH DELINO?

Me: I don't know, Mr. Freeman!

Freeman: Don't they teach you anything in your fancy schools, Daniel? Se7en...

Me (close-up): Oh... my... god. The seven deadly blog genres.

Freeman: I'm afraid so, Daniel. He wants to kill one blogger for each of the seven deadly blog genres. Media- Nostradamus. Entertainment- That Girl. Political/Humor- Actual Rod. Humor/Political- Hidden Hand. Random Musings- Actual God. Left wing Political- Finnegan. And Humor- DAN.

Me: This is terrible. (pause) Though I might point out that Munz would have been more appropriate for left wing political, as Finnegan has a more libertarian bent.

Freeman: This is a serial killer we're dealing with here, Daniel- he doesn't make those kinds of distinctions. But yes, of course the thought occurred to me. Now let's hit the streets and find that perp.

Me: Wait. There's just one thing I still don't understand.

Freeman: And what's that?

Me: Why do you have those dots on your cheeks?

Freeman: They're called Dermatosis Papulosa Nigra. They're very common among African-American men my age. For more information, visit this website.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Until Freeman and I catch this creep, I urge all of you in the blogosphere to be vigilant and always walk home using the buddy system.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Let It Ride

Last night, in order that I might feed my addiction to semi-circular seating arrangements, I treked to Foxwoods with my good friend Dave.

Foxwoods, as you might know, is the largest and least fun casino in America. This is perhaps due to the fact that the people who are the sort to drive to the middle of the woods in Connecticut to play bingo are a pretty depressing breed. Accordingly, last night, as usual, the poker room was stocked with surly regulars and college-aged, shades-wearing, WPT wannabes (like me).

At my table one regular was showing a group of friends photos from a small photo album.

M: What are those pictures of?
SR: Thailand--I went to [some Thai city I can't remember. It might have been "Akjefkn"] for my 50th birthday. It was great.
M: Cool.

After his friend was done, I asked to see the pictures. The regular handed the album to me and I began to casually flip through it as I played. After about 10 unremarkable photos (pretty sunset, the beach, a Starbucks in downtown Akjefkn (ha ha)) I stumbled on the first of about 15 nude photographs of the Thai prostitute that had apparently been this gentleman's birthday present to himself. These photos were fairly explicit, and the gentleman was clearly quite proud of his conquest. I kept it together for about a minute before I had to run off and giggle with Dave.

On the drive home, Dave and I laughed about the story as he polished off a banana. Before I could stop him, however, Dave cast the peel out the window, and the car behind us ran over it and lost all its coins.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Wake up in the AM, Compose a Post

NOTE: like That Girl's father, I composed this post long-hand. I wrote it while sitting on a train next to 2 Chinese Nationals and a Moroccan, all of whom attempted to decipher my scribblings for their respective governments, but were foiled by my illegible handwriting. The Chinese guys did manage, however, to get my assistant Rich's job outsourced to them by working for far less. So this marks the end of Rich's assistanceship- he has now graduated to the rank of Blogger, as you'll see reflected on the sidebar. The Chinese Nationals also made me new shoes during the 10 hr. train ride. Now here is the last post with Rich as my assistant:

After a relaxing day at the beach in Nice, my assistant Rich and I went for a stroll down one of the city's main streets. Along the way, I noticed a street performer dressed as Darth Vader. Now this was one of those street performers who stands still for hours on end until someone gives him a coin, at which point he does a dance. Keep in mind that it was almost 90 degress out and a Darth Vader costume is all black with a heavy helmet. I looked into Darth's basket and saw that there were several 1 Euro coins in there. Since this guy could barely see through the eyeholes in his mask, I placed One Cent in the basket.
Darth, hearing the sound of the coin and seeing me drop it in (assuming I'd paid the normal 1 Euro or at least 50 cents), bowed to me and Rich, and then proceeded to act out a complex and physically demanding light saber duel with a phantom opponent. I initially managed to contain myself from laughing as I thought about how much exhausting work I had made this man do in the hot sun for a mere penny. But he subsequently pressed a button which made the Darth Vader heavy breathing sound, and then HE made heavy breathing sounds because of his exhaustion. At this point, I burst out laughing hysterically, and Rich began to chuckle as well.

Here Rich overstepped his boundaries, and I decided he needed to remember his place. So I made him put on the guy's Darth Vader costume and act out the duel for free, while I shot at his feet with a revolver.

Coda: Now Rich will not have to suffer such indignities, and instead I have trustly Hu Jintao, whose other job is president of China or some shit. That will have to take a backseat to my every whim.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

For NBA Fans

THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS!

What the fuck? Why do they have to play this terrible song every game?

Quick Hit

Like crack, here is a quick hit for those Delino-heads in the projects and elsewhere:

At the casino last night, after my assistant Rich hauled me there using the Fireman´s Carry technique, I witnessed an astounding sight:
A guy with thinning, slicked-back hair is wearing a ten dollar suit and chain smoking, muttering to himself as he watches his horse racing bets go horribly wrong. Seems fairly typical actually, right. The catch: he´s betting on a horse-racing videogame produced by Sega. When he caught me staring at him, he said, ¨hey man, I got an inside tip and it didn´t pan out.¨

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mamma Mia!

Date line: 1900 GMT (June 20 2005)
Location: Manhattan - 42nd st. and 8th ave.

I'm sitting in an internet cafe right now and I still have about 44 minutes left. There isn't really much to do after I checked my 7 e-mail accounts. So I've taken to reading the gentlemen's screen next to me. I lean back in my chair a little so he can't see me in the likely case he has tremendous peripheral vision. If you're wondering what he looks like, imagine a balding Ed Rooney/ office space guy. Judging by his diction he seems to be a gay, overweight Christian who is distressed about a lover he met on yahoo. This lover in all likelyhood turned out to be a transexual who has since ignored his romantic advances and looks like he is on the verge of being dumped.

He also can't see me because he's a terrible typer (Probably never used Mavis Beacon (Condoleeza Rice's role model) ) having to constantly look down at the key board to see what he is typing.

Here's part of the e-mail he's writing:

This is your christian Brother in Arms John... why haven't you e-mailed me in so long. I have met a new TRUE BEILEVER. Has someone put a VOODO HEX on you? I wanted to say I love you. Should I come out to California to see you?

At this point I became a little brazen, staring directly at his screen. He saw me!

I've been sort of afraid to look again.

A little while later he check the movie times on Yahoo as well. It look's like he'll be seeing the 9:00 pm showing of Batman Begins at the Loews Kips Bay tonite.


Blog on the run: Barcelona

To finish up from Madrid, I ran into my friend Mia at a museum there, so Rich and I hung out with her for the last couple days. Mia, initially thinking that Rich was my equal, treated him like a human being. But when I explained that he was merely my assistant, she began flicking lit cigarettes at him and making him walk in the gutters like I do. In my time with Mia, I realized how aggressive Spanish men are. It´s really astounding. They were hooting and hollering at me, but fortunately Mia told them to stop in her impeccable Spanish, and that was no longer an issue.

Now I am in Barcelona, where they speak some pigeon language called Catalan. Spanish is gross enough, now you´re telling me that you´re bastardizing Spanish- I think there are species of dolphin that use more respectable languages.

Nevertheless, there is an upper class here that is quite elite, and you can tell who they are because they are always wearing Lacoste polo shirts. In fact, I was sitting on a park bench wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, and one of these upper class guys came up to me with the leftovers of his Cobb salad, and said to his young son, ¨You see Pablo, it is our responsibility to help the paupers.¨

On an unrelated point, go see Batman Begins, it´s amazing. More forthcoming.

Friday, June 17, 2005

I´m a great guy...

According to my mother, AND to my boy Nostradamus

A few phrases

Though I have my assistant/shirpa Rich here with me, I also decided I should learn some phrases so I could get around Spain by myself if Rich was out doing errands for me at some point and I decided to leave the Ritz-Carlton to fend for myself. So here are a couple key phrases:

ENGLISH------------------------> SPANISH

¨What did you say?¨ = EXCUSE ME- I´m... from... Am-er-ica! I DON´T SPEAK MEXICAN!

¨What does that cost?¨= Goddamnit, why don´t any of you mongrels speak English? Here´s a Dollar, that should equal like a billion of your shit Peso currency.

Blog on the Run: Madrid

Since I am ever so cultured, I decided to have lunch today at a McDonald´s here in Madrid. I settled into a corner booth and told my assistant Rich to order me a McSalad and a Mineral Water (I´m tipping the scales at 150 so I´m watching my weight now). Since Rich was up for an evaluation this month by the Delino Board of Directors (Me and Tom), I decided to watch him order. This is what transpired:

Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like a McSalad and a Mineral Water.
McDonald´s Employee: OK, one Big Mac it is then.
Rich (perfect Spanish): No, I said a McSalad and a Water.
McDonald´s Employee: Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit.

Rich, who is anorexic, did not understand what was happening. I begrudgingly ate the Big Mac, but I beat him with a cat o´ nine tails a couple times to make sure this didn´t happen again. So I was reassured when Rich and I went to the train station and I told Rich to order tickets and the following transpired:

Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like 2 tickets for Sunday´s 11 o´clock train from Madrid to Barcelona.
Railway Employee: So you want 2 for the 11 o´clock to Barcelona?
Rich (perfect Spanish): Yes, that´s right.

But then:
Railway Employee (pulling something from under his desk): Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit. NEXT!

I was a bit discouraged by this turn of events, but Rich had the idea to go to the Reyna Sofia Museum, so we went. I was wearing my baseball hat and sunglasses to remain incognito, just minding my own business, when I overheard a tatooed guy with a long goatee whisper to his girlfriend, ¨Is that him?¨ and she said, ¨But I heard he was 10 feet tall, with fingers made out of titanium¨, and finally he said, ¨Fuck it, I´m talking to him¨, and the following conversation occurred:

Tatooed Guy with Goatee: Um, excuse me, hi. Are you Dan, from Delino DeShields?
Me (to Rich): What is this guy, in a rock band or something?
Rich: Actually, that´s Scott Ian, the lead singer of Anthrax [ed´s note: he really was there]
Me: (jerk-off motion). Yes, it is I.
Scott Ian: I just wanted to say, I´m a huge fan of the blog. Could I get a picture, or an autograph?
Me: Rich, get one of the autographed headshots from your satchel.
(Rich obliges, Scott Ian does not move)
THE END

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Missing Teen Case Solved

Some of you may not know this, but in my younger days, I used to be a detective for the LAPD- a damn good one. Using the detective skills I picked up during the "Four Clubs beat a King" era, I think I've solved the case of the missing teen in Aruba, Natalee Holloway. Here is a clue I gleaned from Fox News:

"police arrived, and found a pair of torn pink-and-white polka dot panties and three condoms, two of them used. They also found some duct tape wrapped around a tree."

Well this seems pretty open and shut. This girl got drunk, tore off her panties in preparation for intercourse with Kingspawn, but Kingspawn, finding her body not to his liking, instead jerked off into two condoms while thinking about Maxim babe Whitney Seibel. Then when Natalee started crying, he duct taped her mouth to shut her up. After she calmed down, he took the tape off and placed it on the tree, and politely told her that she would have to lose some weight before he would have sex with her, and gave her the extra condom in the case that a guy with lower standards than himself came along. Kingspawn went on his merry way, leaving Natalee unharmed (except emotionally), when Nostradamus came along.
Nostradamnus sedated Natalee and shipped her on a Chinese cargo steamer to New Haven, where he locked her up in his un-air conditioned apartment and is forcing her to write blog posts under the name "Arlo Harshenstein," while feeding her nothing but fish cake from Ivy Noodle. The people from Ivy Noodle should by now know that some sort of torture situation is occurring, as no one would order fish cake of their own accord- but then again, these are the types of sadistic fucks who try to get a man to use the urinal while another man is making a BM on the toilet in the same bathroom. And there you have it, folks.

For the record though, the prominent coverage of this Natalee Holloway story is part of the Mainstream Media's plan to divert the public from important issues like the Energy Bill being debated in Congress. And when was the last time the MSM focused on the case of a missing black or latino girl? In conclusion, fuck the MSM- you can get all you need to know from the Yale Blogosphere.

Monday, June 13, 2005

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

In my younger and more vulnerable years I once took an English course with the famed literary genius Harold Bloom, author of the critically
acclaimed How to Read and Why and it's eagerly anticipated sequel, How to Read 'How to Read and Why' and Why.

Now, as you may know, Harold Bloom is notorious throughout academia for being an unapologetic misogynist--the most recent scandal being his alleged sexual harassment of Naomi Wolf, a former student. Of course however, these rumors are completely overblown, and actually on the Naomi Front, I and others concluded, on the basis of no facts, that she was in fact lying.

While these accusations of misconduct on Bloom’s part are all false, he is by no means the perfect teacher. In fact, his insistence on calling all female students and female literary characters “Hand-Job Machine(s)” makes many of his comments in class horribly ambiguous. Take for example the following cryptic remark:

Bloom: Hand-Job Machine makes an excellent point here. I want you all to go re-read Act IV and really consider for a moment the significance of Hand-Job Machine’s ever bloodied hands.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Puerto Rican Day Parade

Back in 2000, when I was working as a professional videographer who taped weddings, bar mitzvahs, and gropings, I was hired by some young Puerto Rican fellows to videotape them committing sexual assault. Juan, Jesus, Hector and the gang were all very nice guys who paid me upfront and even suggested "Beethoven's 9th" as the music track for the video, though I went with "Glory Days". I got some great footage and managed to make a really tasteful video that all their parents would cherish for years to come.

I was reminded of all this because I inadvertently attended this year's PR Day Parade. On the upside, I did see Senator Chuck Schumer along the parade route.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Toronto trim

This is national news?

Drudge Report: Vagina makeovers all the rage...

Stubbs performs what he calls “the Toronto trim,” a combo procedure that includes a reduction of the inner labia and a slight “unhooding” of the clitoris so the little man in the boat isn’t being quite so reclusive.


Gregory A. Plotnikoff, MD
Associate Medical Director of the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery

“I had another lady from Saudi Arabia who had five children by the time she was 30, and was planning to go to Switzerland for [tightening] surgery so that she could keep her husband happy and interested.”

“People have suggested they’ve looked at Playboy or Penthouse,” confirms Dr. Ronald Blatt, medical director of the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery. “They come in and say, ‘Make it look like that.’”

(Editor's note: Yeah, I know, this is Hidden Hand material, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry.)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

My So-Called Life

Now that I'm retired, I'm living an even sweeter life. I was at my friend's posh country club the other day playing my third round of golf in a week. I played a leisurely eighteen holes during which my friend drove me around in a golf cart and an industrious young Peruvian lad named Samuel (pronounced "Sam-well") carried my heavy golf bag. Yes, I know that I could have strapped the bag to the back of the cart and saved the caddy some effort, but I figured I should make Samuel work a little for his Pesos. Along these lines, I also put some rocks and cement in my bag. It's the American Dream- if my Russian immigrant great-grandmother had seen the new generation of immigrants doing hard labor for me, she would have been so proud. Anyway, I sipped iced tea and swung the clubs every so often and had an OK round, score-wise.

When I got to the snack shack, or "19th hole," I looked around at the snacks available there- Gatorade X-factor (a disgusting mixture of Strawberry and Lemon-Lime), Payday bar (according to Delino archivist Eric, no store has ever sold a Payday bar in history), Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies (too mealy!!), etc.- and remarked, "Yikes- what a terrible selection of snacks." Keep in mind of course that these snacks would be paid for by my friend's rich parents. As you would expect, Samuel, though exhausted and panting from the day's work, understood how subtly frustrating this was: "Right again, Mister Dan. This is terrible, they don't even have Fritos."

Taking Care of Business

Tomorrow my new job starts, and though it will probably be terrible, there's no way it can be as bad as my job last summer as a congressional intern for the Honorable E. Clay Shaw Jr. (FL-22). A typical encounter:

Tom sits in the intern cubicle. He has just returned from furtively masturbating in the bathroom and he is reading the Drudge Report.

Nancy (Intern Co-ordinator): Okay Tom, here is your next intern project: cleaning up the intern cubicle.
Tom: What do you mean? It's perfectly clean.
Nancy: Well, for one thing, the floor is entirely covered with paperclips.
Tom: I don't see any papercli--

Nancy removes a box of paperclips from her pocket and dumps them all over the floor.

Tom: Oh. There they are.


My new job is with an investment/finance ambiguity called D.E. Shaw. I have no idea what my job entails, but the company is quite fascinating. What I've learned so far is that they own a money-making machine and employ people like me to come in every morning and turn it on and then turn it off in the evening before we leave. Once, not too long ago, a man asked "Why do we turn the money machine off at night?" He was quickly made CEO.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Fun with Yahoo! News

On Yahoo! News there is a "Top Stories" heading, which presumably lists the most important news stories of the day according to the Yahoo! staff, or the Associated Press, or someone. The headlines listed here are what you might expect:

"Bolivia President Offers to Resign"
"Iraq Nabs Nearly 900 Suspected Militants "
"Experts Warn of Intelligence Confusion"

Below this is a "Most Popular" heading, listing the news stories that were most often emailed. #1 on the list?

"Ringwald Mulls 'Sixteen Candles' Sequel"

Sent 916 times
LOS ANGELES - Could it be time to put more candles on the cake? Molly Ringwald said she's in discussions to make a sequel to "Sixteen Candles," the 1984 movie about the obstacles and embarrassments a teen girl faces on her birthday.


Below this is a "Most Viewed News" heading, listing the news stories that were most often viewed. #1 on the list?

"Brad Pitt Says Media Focus Is 'Misguided'"

NEW YORK - Brad Pitt is taking on poverty and AIDS in Africa — and the tabloids. In an hour-long ABC "Primetime Live" special set to air Tuesday night (10 p.m. ET), Pitt talks to Diane Sawyer about the humanitarian crisis in Africa.


Of course, the Top Story according to Tom (yes yes) was Jessica Alba at the MTV Movie Awards:


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Chess Babe of the Month: Vesna Rozic

Vesna Rozic - Miss June 2005

Nationality: Slovenia
Birthday: 1987
ELO: 2179

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.

.

The second and third pictures are from the Mitropa Cup, a yearly championship for European teams, which was won in a breath-taking finish by Slovenia this year. They did it both in the men's section with a last-minute victory over Hungary. In the women's section it was mainly due to an 8/9 score by Anna Muzychuk.

In the final round of the women's section Anna Muzychuk and Vesna Rozic were given the task of scoring 2:0 for Slovenia against Austria II – which they dutifully did. The young Muzychuk scored eight out of nine in this event, with an Elo performance of 2532. She was elected Miss Mitropacup by a big margin.

ELO tracker
Games played with White
Games played with Black

Friday, June 03, 2005

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

A message from PRESIDENT DAN:

Good Evening, my fellow blog citizens. Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly
(first comment) Flame attacks aimed at our very own blogger, Tom. Like the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japs in 1941, these acts were intended to frighten our blog into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; our blog is strong.

Delino was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the blogosphere, and no one- NO ONE will keep that light from shining.

Today our blog saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of Delino- with the daring of our rescue workers, with the neighbors who came to let Tom cry on their shoulders and help in any other way they could.

Our first priority is to get help to those who have been injured, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the blogosphere from further Flame attacks.

The functions of our blog will continue without interruption. Delino offices which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight, and will be open for business tomorrow.

Intelligence reports indicate that an individual calling himself "Kingspawn" is behind these evil acts, although Hizbollah has claimed responsibility- most likely for publicity reasons. I've directed the full resources of Delino's intelligence and law enforcement agencies to find all of those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the cyber-terrorists who committed these acts of horrific Flaming and those who harbor them.

To our potential allies around the blogosphere- Actual Rod, That Girl, Finnegan, Nostradamus, Actual God, even Munz- I urge you to join with all those who want peace and security in the blogosphere, for if we stand together, we can win this war against Flamers. Flaming is not just a tactic, it is part of a virulent and hateful strand of the larger Commentary ideology. Make no mistake, there are good and decent Commenters all over the blogosphere, elaborating on posts and even making legitimate complaints and critiques. But these Flamers have hijacked the fundamentally peaceful religion of Commentary for their own destructive and hateful purposes.

Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Flames, I fear no evil, for You are with me."

Delino has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend all that is good and just in our blogosphere.

Thank you. Good night, and God bless Delino.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Video from Chess Tournament: Black on White Action

73. Re4+ Kf1 74. Bd4 f2 0-1 !!

(Queen's Gambit, then white Knight checkmate Black King)

And the Number One Best Place to Fart is...

...The Natural History Museum. It's really loud and there are kids everywhere who are possible suspects. Incidentally, the Natural History Museum is also the best place to learn information that you could have gotten out of your 6th grade Natural Sciences textbook, "This Beautiful Earth."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Deep Throat Blog comment

I've posted a comment over at The Washington Post's Deep Throat Blog under the nom de plume "DB". It's a pretty explosive theory, I hope they don't delete it.

Hey Dave, Can I borrow a Q-tip?

Uhh... My bad... I'll ask Tali, sorry man.