Friday, July 22, 2005

Fun With Movie Pictionary

Chick-Fil-A: Marketing Genius

Inside Chick-Fil-A Marketing Dept. meeting:

Ad exec: Okay, so boss, the idea is basically that we're selling chicken, right, so who wants you to eat chicken? (silence) Well, cows, right? Because then you're not eating be--well, anyway, so we have this cow, right, and we dress him up like a human, maybe, and he's standing upright with a sign saying "Take a Vacation From Beef" or it could be funnier maybe, our guys are still working on some slogans for that. Here, take a look at the mock-up for it.

Big Boss (completely furious): NO, NO, NO! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. We need realism, we need believability. This crap you've handed me is completely absurd. There is just no way that a cow could spell that well! Cows are terrible spellers, everyone knows that. Now come back when you've got something I can use.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Delino's secret admirer...

...and a way to search the bloggies.

Maybe you all know about this, but I just discovered it and I found it of interest. Instead of searching that whole disgusting internet, this search engine allows you to only look through the important stuff...the blogs!

Upon discovering this site, I of course decided to search for Delino DeShields and see what came up. Imagine my surprise and delight when I stumbled upon this reference to the blog. Yes, Yale's very own Maureen Miller is a big fan of our little web site. Well, at least I'm sure she likes Dan's posts...

Monday, July 18, 2005

The roots of the corkscrew

As some of you may or may not know, Dan is very fond of what we in the business like to call the corkscrew gesture. I am also fond of said gesture and it is a vestige of our high school days when it was what all the cool kids did. The corkscrew basically involves sticking your index finger in the air and doing a "corkscrew motion" to indicate that you find something to be pleasing.

But little did we know that in fact Jesus himself had been doing the corkscrew thousands of years before we even started playing Yahtzee for money every day...It was at the Prado (the biggest art museum in Madrid, Spain for the uneducated among you) that we discovered this astonishing fact in two paintings from the 17th and 18th centuries. I present to you exhibits A and B...judge for yourself:



Sunday, July 17, 2005

caricatures

concerned
surfer/nose

Al Gets a Haircut w/ Really Hot Hairdresser

RHH: Hey, what are we doing today?
Me (mumbling): Well, I dunno, a fade type thing, with a 3 or 4 or something.
RHH: Scissors or clippers on top?
Me: I dunno, whatever you think.
RHH: Okay..

(silence for awhile)

RHH: You know, you've got a little dandruff here, you want me to wash your hair for you?
Me: YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? WELL FUCK YOU, YOU'RE NOT, OKAY? CHRIST.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Birthday Dinner

As you all may or may not know, my lovely girlfriend's 21st birthday is coming up in just a couple short weeks, so I have been thinking about what we should do to celebrate. Last night, I finally came up with the perfect idea. I will take the all the bloggers at Delino out to dinner at Peter Luger's steak house! It will be a great chance for the boys to get together and discuss what we have already accomplished in just 6 months of blogging, while also looking forward to our one year anniversary next February. Alex and Eric of course will be flown in first class from Florida and after drinks at the Plaza the boys will hop in a limo to Luger's. I imagine my telephone conversation explaining all of this to my girlfriend will go something like this:

Me: Hey, Happy Birthday! Congratulations on the big two-one! Listen, can't talk much now, about to meet the boys for champagne and steaks...the Plaza, then Luger's...I hope you enjoy it!
(click)

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Ben Gold, Supreme Kourt Komedian

NOTE: I'd like to bring to yout attention the addition of the blogs of two of my school chums from New Haven, Nick's Corner and Immortalized Stillicide.

After receiving a tour of the Supreme Court from tour guide Ben Gold, Mr. Gold handed me the following brochure:

Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld... and now Ben Gold, Supreme Kourt Komedian. That's right, this is a limited time offer to receive The Best of Ben Gold on VHS or DVD, absolutely free! Watch this balding, obese, lisping man rip through all your favorite routines as he gives you a tour of the Highest Court in the Land (not high on marijuana, silly- that was outlawed in the historic The Man v. Stoners decision) A few highlights:

"The builders of the Supreme Court finished the main structure. And then they had $1 million left over, so they coated the ceiling with 23 karat gold. And they STILL had $95,000 left- so they handed it back to the US Treasury. This was, of course, the first time a government project had ever gone UNDER budget, yes yes."

"That relief of Napoleon is about 7 feet tall. So I guess that would be TWICE as big as he was in real life."

"What do the justices do in their time off? Well I believe Justice Rehnquist spends most of his vacations Waterskiing!"

"That concludes the tour, but downstairs we have a 20 minute long video, some portraits of the justices, the famous spiral staircase, a gift shop, and a snack bar. Oh, and did I mention the gift shop?"

This video can not be found in stores, so buy yours today! Still not convinced? See what some of your fellow Americans had to say:

"Oh ah liked him, he was fun-ny! And the snack bah, don't fuhget that. They had a chili cheese dawg, mm-hmm"
-A fat idiot from Texas wearing an American flag shirt and jean shorts who sat in front of me and blocked my view

"Ben's always been funny. Ever since he was a little baby. In fact, he was on the borscht belt circuit when he was 4. These were the later years of course. Jackie Mason, Red Buttons, Buddy Hackett. But I digress. Anyway, Ben would get out there and he only had one joke, but people loved it. He'd say, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?... Ca Ca' They went absolutely wild."
-Ben's mother, Shirley Gold

Friday, July 08, 2005

Delino: Behind the Laughter

(Editor's Note: This post was originally conceived at Not About Marquis Grissom.)

As many of you know, before I received the Small, Speedy, Early 90's Black Players Fellowship for this summer, I worked on the blog created by the previous winner, my brother Dan. I was his assistant in every meaning of the word and I just wanted to share with you, my loyal readers, what this experience was truly like. You all only see Dan's brilliant finished products, you don't see the blood, sweat, and tears (all of which used to be mine) that actually go into each and every post. Now that my position has been outsourced, I feel that it is time for you to hear my secrets.

This is a sampling of some of the duties I had to perform for Dan, along with some of Dan's peculiar habits that he probably didn't want you to know about :

To begin with, I had to bring Dan printed out copies of all the blogs (including Delino) twice a day, once over breakfast at noon, and once before bed at 2 AM. This schedule was strict and if I was even a minute late, my salary of 10 of Dan's jokes a day would be cut in half.

Then there was the issue of feeding the great blogger. This task was expensive, but relatively straightforward while we were in New Haven. But on vacation, either home in New York or around the country or the world, things were much more difficult. You see Dan took his lunches from 5 places, all in New Haven: the Doodle, Ivy Noodle, Gourmet Heaven, Bulldog Burrito, and the Burrito Cart. No substitutes. Thus, every afternoon, I would get him a sampling of his favorite dish from each restaurant and he would choose his favorite and throw away the rest while I salivated at the prospect of eating a few scraps of leftover dining hall food. For dinner, Dan kept things simple, only requesting a steak from Central Steakhouse and some broccoli rabe. I would only get to eat if the broccoli rabe was too garlicky. As you can imagine I racked up quite a few miles on Metro North, but it was all worth it for me when Dan wrote that Jay Leno post!

Dan also had the habit of asking me to laugh at every single thing he said. This was usually pretty easy, as Dan is the original funnyman after all, but things could get awkward, such as the time when he told me that he had spent all of his money investing in Bulldog Burrito. He said that owner Jason Congdon had a worldwide business model that would make his company the next Mexicali Grille. After that failure, my salary was cut altogether and I couldn't laugh for a week.

As you can see, it was never easy being Dan's assistant. Although Hu Jintao has been working hard to try to follow in my footsteps, he constantly sends me e-mails wondering why Dan is so picky. I just tell him an old Confucian proverb: "If you can't laugh at genius, you might as well laugh with genius." Meanwhile, over at Marquis I have my own assistant, but I treat her a little bit better than Dan treated me. I pay her 20 of Dan's jokes per week.

In honor of Dan

This is the Italian Jay Leno, spotted getting off a sleeper train arriving in Milan from Rome:

A Note on Saunas

While at the Bloggers' Clubhouse (known to the layman as the Yale Club men's locker room), Tom convinced me to go into the sauna. I hadn't been in a sauna in years, so I acquiesced. After making the obligatory "it's like a sauna in here" joke, I settled down.

About two minutes later, it dawned on me, WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF A SAUNA? It makes you really sweaty, and if it was as hot outside as it is in the sauna, I'd be complaining about the weather. But fortunately, there are shriveled naked old men in there to at least make it tolerable.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Congdon does Europe

Ed's note: Nate in Vegas has been added to the blog roll on the sidebar. As the World Series of Poker heats up this weekend, keep checking Nate's excellent blog for updates.

Apparently, just at the time that Rich and I were in Europe, so was Bulldog Burrito owner Jason Congdon. Apparently Congdon was attempting to find franchisees across the pond, but to no avail. He did, however, sell one quesadilla "no guac" to a Spanish gypsy pauper woman for 25 euro cents, after he graciously threw a Lego Deluxe Police Set into the deal. So he deemed the trip "the equivalent of an El Grande Loco Burrito," which apparently means it was good. Here are a couple pics he e-mailed me...

Here's the aforementioned sale:



















And a "get out the name" event on the coast of Ireland:

"Intense Games"

Product Description

Packed full of sexy challenges, animations and illustrations, this DVD goes the distance and promises to please. The game is completely interactive and delivers challenges, games and competitions to the players via their DVD player, television and remote control. Intense Games on DVD doesn't just break new ground in adult entertainment, it shatters the foundation and has fully exploited the interactive capabilities of your DVD player. This project has taken a year to build and is loaded to the gills with illustrated challenges and animated graphics that will make make your party an event to remember. Not only do couples compete against other couples, but they are also required to team up with each other to achieve goals throughout the game. Mini-Games offer several ways to score extra points, steal points which may radically alter the score and quickly change the outcome. Before you begin the game, just visit the set-up features to enable or disable Female Bi-sensuality. Turn it off, and you'll only be performing challenges with your partner. Turn it on and you never know what kind of fun the girls may get into. When the game ends, a Group Score Calculator will let you know how well the party scored. Based on this group score, the game will unlock up to four different end games that may range from a simple self-esteem building exercise, to a steamy, non-swinging, group sex experience. Each challenge is carefully designed to minimize the possibility of spreading STDs from couple to couple. Like all Sexploration Games, women are in control of this game. They select the cards and they choose whether or not to take the challenge. A council consisting of all the women playing the game have the power to change the rules and spice-up or cool down the party at any time during game play.

Monday, July 04, 2005

The Delino Media Empire Grows

Richard Branson, Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch.... Dan Berger. That's right, Delino's very own Dan has expanded his media empire to include our new sister site Not About Marquis Grissom, with my former assistant Rich as the Head Blogger. I'm sure he's got a lot of backlogged material about clipping my toenails and driving me from Morse to Payne Whitney Gym, so check it out (it's linked on the sidebar).

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Oh Danny Boy

In an attempt to get a taste of the local culture, Rich and I took the Irish airline, Aer Lingus, on our flight to Dublin. I decided to go into the trip without any preconceived notions about Irish people, even though everything I'd read and seen about them portrayed them as drunken louts.

The first thing I noticed when Rich and I boarded the plane was that there were no seats, or at least seats in the traditional sense of airplane seats. Instead, the entire interior of the plane was a giant pub, with stools and a long bar stocked with Guinness and Jameson Irish Whiskey. While Rich flipped through an Irish Accent-Proper English dictionary, I decided I'd try to mix with the natives and found myself a seat at the bar just as the plane was taking off. When we reached cruising altitude about 10 minutes later, a gruff Irishman finally sat next to me. The following interaction took place:

Irishman: What's yer name, mate?
Me: Dan Berger.
Irishman: Ah, a Hee-brew are ya? No matter, me name's Seamus O'Reilly. Nice to meet ya. (to bartender) A pint for Dan, and ten pints and 5 shooters of whiskey for me.
(Bartender does not think this order to be oddly large, and pours the drinks)

[10 minutes later]
(I am half-way done with my pint, Seamus has finished all of his drinks)

Seamus (slurring words now): Hey Benjamin Disraeli, are you finishing that pint?
Me: Are, are you talking to me?
Seamus: So it's a fight ye want? Well then it's a fight ye'll get!
(Seamus pulls up his sleeves and puts up fisticuffs, and at this point looks like the Notre Dame mascot)
Me: Jesus, just take the rest of the pint, you crazy fuck. Here (handing the pint glass to Seamus)
Seamus: It's too late for that, Netanyahu, we're fixin' ta brawl!
Me: Really, I don't want to fight you.
Seamus (speaking to everyone else on flight, who are mostly American): GO ON! Who's man enough to fight an O'REILLY?!
(No one answers him)
(Enter a Fat Irish Woman)
Fat Irish Woman: Seamus O'Reilly!
Seamus: Aww Mary, what is it this time, ya wench?
Mary: Ya need ta get back to the cockpit, Seamus. The auto-pilot can't handle this turbulence.
Seamus: I'm drinkin' and brawlin', I've no time for flyin'. Last chance, who's gonna fight me?
(No one responds)
Seamus: Then aye must defend me honor the only way aye can.
(Seamus breaks a glass bottle over his head, and passes out)
(Panic ensues)

Mary then attempted to call each of her 29 children, aged 1-8, for advice. But all of them were too hammered at various pubs to speak coherently. Fortunately, Rich had learned how to fly a plane from his days as my assistant, and we landed safely.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is Now the Hottest Supreme Court Justice

I may be a little late on this story (it's the time difference- I just found out about O'Connor's resignation this second), but I have a big scoop about O'Connor's possible replacement. Inside sources in the Bush Administration have told me that in an effort to prevent an all-out brawl between extremist conservatives and extremist liberals, President Bush has settled on a compromise nominee, chosen because he was deemed "inoffensive."

And the nominee is... Alejandro Franqui. When reached for comment by the Delino intern, Mr. Franqui, known to some as "Alé," had this to say: "I just got a package in the mail from my pal Addy, nudge nudge. I know midterms are coming up, man. I'm... I'm talking about Adderall, just so you're not confused." When reminded by our intern that the subject of conversation was his impending Supreme Court nomination, Mr. Franqui replied, "Sorry, my ADD, sometimes I... Yeah, Supreme Court, that sounds cool man. Totally. I hear they have a basketball court there, I'll hoop it up." When the interview concluded, Mr. Franqui went back to his summer occupation, brokering a deal with Cold Stone Creamery for the creation of an ice cream with chunks of Adderall in it.

I'm Blogging on Sunshine...

After a good night's sleep being fanned constantly by our slaves, Dan and I woke up in Dublin deciding that we should try to put our own two legs to good use for the first time on the trip. But first we had to try to figure out the temperature in the classic New Yorker fashion of sticking our hands out the window. The inconclusiveness of this exercise forced us into the torturous shorts v. pants debate. Of course we settled on capris.

Two Guinnesses later and we had hit the streets. Now the first gentleman we saw was a fine Irish chap and he immediately started talking to us while wiping sweat from his brow:

"Hot day, isn't it lads?" (The actual temperature was about 65 degrees and the sky was mostly cloudy)
"Yeah, I guess so." (Little did he know that we had spent the last two weeks in weather so hot that it would have killed him.)
"You lads Spanish?" (The combination of my dark complexion and Dan's proto-mullet (more on this later) may have inspired this line of questioning, but we quickly straightened him out)
"No actually, we're from America, New York City."
"Well then you could use this more than I could." (And he proceeded to open his bag and take out a book entitled Daytrips Ireland-50 One Day Adventures and hand it to us.)

He then said, "Enjoy Ireland," before disappearing into the growing fog.

Dan and I spent the rest of the day wishing that we had worn pants and a sweater.

(Editor's Note: True story)

Friday, July 01, 2005

Chess Babe of the Month: Alexandra Kosteniuk

Alexandra Kosteniuk - Miss July 2005

Nationality: Russia
Birthday: April 23, 1984
ELO: 2508
Title: IM, WGM

She is a disconcertingly beautiful creature, the perfect subject for glamour shoots. When dealing with Alexandra Kosteniuk one sometimes tends to forget that she is also intelligent, analytical and extremely determined – winning the Russian Women's Championship with 9/11 and a performance rating of 2691 speaks for itself.











When visiting the Kosteniuk web site (always something we can recommend) a number of new shots caught our eye. The photos were taken in April, after Alexandra had visited Colombia for the TV show "Yo, Jose Gabriel". There she was given as a present the smallest chess set ever made, measuring just 1.2 centimeters square! It's made in Tinjaca, Boyaca (Colombia), and is in Tagua, the fruit of the ivory-nut palm which becomes very hard and is also called vegetable ivory. The artists are Cesar Bonilla and his wife Julia Vergara, who are true masters of their craft.

ELO tracker
Games played with White
Games played with Black