speaking of corporate sponsorship

remember my post about corporate sponsorship in poker?

33-year old Knoxville mother-of-five Terri Ilagan will be paid $15,199 to legally change her name... to GoldenPalace.com. and i'm not joking.

no word yet on whether or not she will be required to use blue ink and underline her signature.

press release here.

speaking of terri's, terri schiavo's death has inspired a very different layout over at Actual God.

Google Search

Not About Delino Deshields is now the number 7 result when you search for "Delino Deshields"- which I'm sure people are doing all the time. My clever naming scheme is finally paying off.

Early rising

Having pulled an all-nighter spent mostly playing online poker and reading conspiracy theories about the Bush family and only occasionally writing my paper, I walked outside for a bite to eat at the ungodly hour of 9:30. What I saw was frightening. A faceless mass of efficient Yale students and middle-aged white men who had actually been asleep and then awoken to do something productive at this time. I kind of felt like I was living an unproductive life, then something occurred to me- terrorist attacks only occur during the morning rush hour (9/11, Madrid). So I am actually just protecting myself from the enemy by sleeping until 1PM every day. It's my patriotic duty.

Along these lines, I was incredibly moved by the oft-mentioned-on-this-blog Dylan Gadek, who bragged to Actual God that he had "slept 46 out of the last 48 hours, man." One can only hope that the other two hours were spent eating sugared cereal out of the box and masturbating. The sight of Dylan, fully clothed, lying in a heap in bed, reminded me of what makes this country great. Mr. Gadek, I salute you.

O. J. Simpson Golf game

My friend Matt and I discussed over the summer the idea of going down to Florida to play golf with The Juice. We kind of forgot about it, but with the death of Johnnie Cochran today, I was just reminded of it. What interested me in the Juice besides the obvious was that in a New Yorker profile a while back, it seemed OJ was not repentant at all and was just a ridiculous human being- "O.J. makes humping motions behind women's backs, calls his 15-year-old daughter a bitch, tries to goad me -- a reporter, come to paint his picture -- into "admitting" that I've cheated on my wife or that I'm "into Christy" [Simpson's current girlfriend]."
Once I finish my bullshit school work, my number one priority is playing a round with the Juice. I plan on opening my conversation with him by saying, "How's the wife?"

shitting on the rumpus

i am in pierson finishing up the 3 problem sets i have due tomorrow, which should have been done hours ago if not for the fact that i decided to work in the computer cluster (good choice) and have dicked around for most of the time i've been here.

i get up to use the bathroom, where i plan to (think of whatever cool/funny catch phrase you use for bowel movement and pretend i used it). i'm in the stall and i'm about finished with the fun part and now it's time for cleanup. the wiping phase is kind of like paying the bill after dinner in a nice restaurant-- i'm tempted to skip it, but don't for fear of complications.

i reach over to the toilet paper dispenser and it's empty. no paper. no cardboard tube. nothing. hmm, i think i saw this on seinfeld once.

except this time, i'm the only one in the bathroom. perfect. let me check the next stall.

there's only one stall.

okay, no problem, i guess i will have to use the paper towel dispenser. empty too. what the fuck?

the only thing even closely resembling toilet paper in that entire bathroom was a well-read copy of the rumpus on the floor of my stall.

it was a pretty uncomfortable experience, but the symbolism was so delicious that i couldn't help but smile.

p.s.: noteworthy is the absence of the qualifier "literally" from the title of this post. i just fucking hate when people misuse that word. and you know what, i think i hate it even when they use it correctly.

A New Record

This is the biggest record for Delino DeShields since the man himself hit 28 Home Runs as a rookie for the Montreal Expos in 1990. That's right, 108 hits on Monday, a new high. Just goes to prove the old addage, "If you blog it, they will come." It also proves the other old addage, "if you hit the refresh button 30 times yourself, you will have a record number of hits."

really good news

you know, i was really worried there for a second.

meet the parents

so my girlfriend had been at her parents' house for the weekend. i called her home phone and her father, who i hate, answers. quick profile on daddy: football player in college, goes to church every sunday, cheats on his wife a lot. but, of course i have to be nice.

me: Hi, is Jennafer there?

fuck, should i have said "May I speak to"? do adults consider that rude?

him (curtly): Yes, hold on please.
me: Sure, no problem

meet the parents

so my girlfriend had been at her parents' house for the weekend. i called her home phone and her father, who i hate, answers. quick profile on daddy: football player in college, goes to church every sunday, cheats on his wife a lot. also, i think he is vaguely anti-semitic. but, of course i have to be nice.

she is not home and so i have to engage in a little conversation with dad. after he says she's not home, he asks "is this alex?" to which i reply "yes, how are you?". he says "umm, this is mr. _____". now i am thinking, what the fuck kind of response was that? and then i realize, he must have misheard me as saying "who are you?" which would be an incredibly weird and rude thing for me to say. but i'm not really confident enough in my read to be like "no, i said how are you, not who are you." if i am wrong, and he just didn't hear me at all, it will be incredibly awkward, and it will probably be awkward even if i am right. so i just let it go.

i'm almost sure he said "jew have a good night" before we hung up.

Separated At Birth #6

My friend Nick's dad Steve, and Russian revolutionary V.I. Lenin.