Monday, January 15, 2007

The Thing Itself

And here we go...

8:00 They go with the disco version of One Night Only from Dreamgirls, so they've got Beyonce singing. Trend of the next few months to watch for: awards shows and everyone else kowtowing to Beyonce and making sure to include her in every possible way so she doesn't get pissed that Jennifer Hudson's getting all the attention.
8:02 George Clooney presents Best Supporting Actress, so here comes J. Hud.
8:03 And I'm right. Also, I guarantee she's gonna cry. Sweet that she almost fell. I like Jake Gyllenhaal's version better. Is that weird? But I do like her dress a lot. Oh, her speech is actually really great and gracious. Now I have to like her even more. Fuck. I've seen Dreamgirls twice. Yikes. Miltron says: "She's pulling off big hair without overdoing it."
8:05 Hello Justin.
8:06 Both George and Justin go for the Leo joke. Sort of lame but they are both hot. Whoa, Justin didn't know Prince wasn't coming and got short to accept the award on his behalf. Justin is happy because everyone knows he banged Scarlett Johannson like a week ago. I'd be happy too. Too bad Prince already hates him and this will only make it worse. Maybe Prince and Cameron Diaz can start an "I hate Justin" club. Too bad they'll be the only members because everyone else loves him. I love Prince too though so it's chill.
8:11 Adrian Grenier and Eva Longoria present Jack Nicholson's daughter Lorraine, Ms. Golden Globe. Lucifer notes that Jack will probably fuck a girl his daughter's age this very evening. They also present the Supporting Actor in a TV show award. Jeremy Irons wins. He's one of my top old dudes I'd be willing to hookup with. And not just because he played Humbert Humbert. But in part it is. That's how dysfunctional I am.
8:14 Quick shot of the Golden couple. Lucifer forgives Angie's coldness because she's just that beautiful.
8:15 Best Actress in a TV show. Why is Patricia Arquette legitimately fat? Award goes to skinny, if somewhat aged, Kyra Sedgewick. She looks good though and I like her marriage to Kevin Bacon even though his face looks melted. Milton and Lucifer wonder what show she is on. Answer: The Closer, on TNT, so you're forgiven if you didn't know.
8:23 Naomi Watts showing clips of a best Pic nominated film. Miltron and I like her dress. Lucifer does not. All agree there are issues with the way it moves. she's shwing clips from Babel. This is one of the few movies I haven't see yet. what do people think of it?
8:25 Donald Trump makes a squinchy face when Renee Zellweger walks out. Donald, I agree. Renee, stop wearing Carolina Herrera, I love her too but it's Boring. Also, stop drinking so much so your face isn't so puffy. We went over this last year.
8:27 Will Ferrel has big hair.
8:28 Every time a hot chick like Jessica Biel comes out, wait for the reaction shot from Justin deciding if wants to bang her or not.
8:29 I love Srah Paulson and I love Studio 60 and I don't care who knows it.
8:29 Emily Blunt, Gideon's Daughter. Many people turn to someone else and ask who she is. She dates Michael Buble. She has a hot lesbian love scene in "My Summer of Love." Look out for that. I like her. She's smart and graceful and so skinny.
8:31 Cast of Heroes. Lucifer hates Hayden Panettiere. So do I. She's fucking 17.
8:32 Hugh Laurie, House, Best Actor in a TV show. Residual Ian McShane love makes me hate him, now and forever.
8:35 Hilary Swank, you may win awards, but you're still a horseface. Also, a star on he Hollywood Walk of Fame is not a big deal. My dad has one so I know for a fact that a studio buys it for 15,000 dollars as a way of garnering publicity. Hello, Freedom Writers.
8:40 Charlie Sheen introduces his brother's movie. Too bad they have different last names. Weird move. Also, I nominate Bobby as the movie the Globes like that the Academy will totally ignore.
8:42 Steve Carell presents a new award. Animated Film. I saw Cars. I liked it. Bonnie Hunt is way hotter as a Porsche than a person.
8:45 Miltron notes that Sheryl Crow has totes had work done.
8:45 Joaquin Phoenix is so sexy. But how bout a movie?
8:46 Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical. Who didn't know Meryl Streep was gonna win? Also, did you know she's gonna play the Mom in Mamma Mia, the Movie?! So that just went from a movie I made a face about to a movie I have to see.
8:48 Miltron: "Reese went so youthful with her hair. I could talk about it for hours." We focus on Meryl, who gives a great, if long, speech. Miltron: "Reese came out guns blazing. This is a big, big statement." Also, big of Meryl to tell people to ask to see the little movies that most theaters don't play. EVERYONE LOVES MERYL STREEP.
8:53 Miltron: "Wow. I am shocked. Never would I have thought Reese would have gone long and straight like that."
8:55 Ben Stiller. How do your movies make so much money?! Seriously.
8:56 Borat. Fuck the backlash. I still love it. I saw it in England and there were four 80 year olds on a double date in front of me. They loved it too.
8:57 Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz totally go down on each other as often as they can. I'm not even kidding. Also, Bandidas is going straight to DVD. Rough.
8:58 Elizabeth I wins for best Miniseries/TV Movie. Don't ask me why, but I love movies with the name Elizabeth in the title.
9:00 Wait a minute?! Prince is there? So what happened earlier. Expect this to become a big deal. Also, yay for Eddie Murphy. Jimmy, got soul, JIMMY GOT SOUL, Jimmy likes to fuck, men, in the ass. Fo reals. But he really is so good in the movie. You know, when he's not sleeping with men.
9:07 SJP. Lucifer says she looks boring. I say she looks great. But, botox, perhaps? Like a lot probably, because, I mean, most people age. With wrinkles and stuff.
9:08 Sienna Miller looks stupid. And it's embarassing when people say you're gonna be an Oscar contender and then your movie doesn't come out in time because it needs reshoots, and then your nude scenes get released on the internet and thereby kill any desire people might have had to see said movie when it does eventually get released in theaters anyway.
9:11 Embarassing, but Bill Nighy is another old guy I would totally do it with.
9:12 Is Helen Mirren gonna win twice tonight? Sure seems like it. And her tits looks great. Not even just for an old lady, just generally great tits. Yay for girls with big boobs! Even as we get old. Hell, I'm almost 23, and I want to kill myself.
9:18 Cameron Diaz. Can we have an awkward moment with Justin please? Hate the dress, the hair, and the makeup. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Miltron likes it, but Lucifer agrees with me. Everything else aside, I love The Departed.
9:19 Jake Gyllenhaal is so much hotter than horseface. I love that they give him the screenwriting category becuase he's the smart girls' hottie. And I knew Peter Morgan would win for The Queen. He says he can't believe it. Also, hello, first political speech of the night. Good on you Peter Morgan. Too bad he backed off as soon as they said wrap up, what about your conviction loser?
9:22 Alec Baldwin vs. Steve Carell? Who's gonna take it?
9:23 Alec Baldwin. I had a feeling. Let's see what he does with it...
9:24 Lucifer: "I don't care about this. Do you care about this?" Alec, sort of weird of you to mention a hernia operation. My brother had one when he was 8. Miltron too actually, like, a really low one.
9:29 Geena Davis is so much taller than James Woods. Best TV Comedy goes to...better be the Office...or Weeds...
9:30 BOOO! Fuck Ugly Betty. Though I did hook-up with someone who's been on it. Leave it to all you readers to figure out who. Lcifer inssts I say that I'm happy for Salma and America. I'll say I'm happy for Salma's boobs onscreen. But I did love America Ferrera in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.
Lucifer: "Say you like her"
Miltron: "No, I won't, she's fat."
Lucifer: "Well, you know what she said about you?"
Miltron: "What?"
Lucifer: "You could lose a couple."
9:35: I LOVE DREAMGIRLS. I can't help it. But weird of Jamie Foxx not to shout out Beyonce or Jay-Z.
9:36 Sharon Stone looks haggard. Djimon Hounsou looks hot and dark.
9:37 Letters From Iwo Jima wins best Foreign Film. Sort of weird that Clint Eastwood's American but it wins for foreigner's film. They do know he's American right?
9:47 I went to the bathrroom and now I don't what category it is. Fuck. But Hugh Grant's funny and The Painted Veil won something.
9:49 Jennifer Love Hewitt's dress is shockingly ugly. TV Comedy Actress. Miltron believes Mary Louise-Parker, who we love, hasn't eaten in awhile. America Ferrera wins. Newcomers always do in this category. She's crying. She's proud o bring a new face to television. By that, she means a semi-fat, but still pretty face. A truly fat and actually ugly face has yet to come to your homes, and probably never will.
9:58 Tom Hanks to honor Warren Beatty wit the Lifetime Achievement Award. Warren Beatty is my favorite. In just about everything. Did you see Splendor in the Grass. Hot. Bonnie and Clyde. Hotter. Shampoo. Hottest. Reds. The movie may have been too long but he was still hot. Tom Hanks is also way funnier and cooler than people give him credit for. If you don't believ me, watch Punchline. But fuck, Warren Beatty. If I could go back in time and try to hook up wih anybody when they were hot and young, he might be it. Annette Bening caught the White Whale. All hail Warren and Annette.
10:12 Warren is being so funny with all the old actors. And he promises to make another movie. Good. Also, I want to hook up with him. Did I say that already?
10:22 Dustin Hoffman presenting Little Miss Sunshine. I saw Dustin on the street in London just waiting to be recognized. I rcognized him but I was just hoping his kids were around because we're friends and when they weren't I kept on my merry way. That said, I really loved Little Miss Sunshine.
10:24 Steven Spielberg presenting Best Director. They're getting to the biggies now...
10:24 Scorsese wins. Fuck yes he does. Also, I am drunk.
10:25 It is a heck of a time.
10:26 Leo and Martin are so hot together. When he goes through the cast, you realize just how ridiculous it was. Every good actor is in it.
10:28 Reese's dress is cocktail length. I love when they say the whole title of Borat.
10:28 Sascha Baron Cohen wins for Borat! Sick! Also, Reese wins for best looking chick of the night. Sascha Baron Cohen is so hot in real life. So is Isla Fisher. Everyoe there is drunk at this point, and they are eating it up.
10:36 Dane Cook, you got me through one awkward road trip with Miltron and the Acyual God, but other than that, I hate you. I did like Thank You For Smoking though.
10:37 Hello J. Lo. Best Musical Comedy. Will Borat take it?
10:37 DREAMGIRLS!!!! If we hang out soon, I'll sing a song for you. Really, I promise.
10:43 Arquettes are so cute, but FUCK GREY'S ANATOMY! Lucifer loves it but she's the only one of our group. I liked hearing the guy go "20 seconds! 20 seconds!" before the show runner even started.
10:45 Philip Seymour Hoffman presents Best Actress in a Drama, so here comes Helen Mirren...
10:46 And I'm right again. If I put my balls out, I'm gonna be right, just so you know. Lucifer proposes that she's had a lift, and as I consider it, I think she's probably right. By the by, as soon as I'm done breast-feeding my second or third kid, as the case may be, I'm definitely getting a boob lift.
10:53 Leo vs. Leo. And others. Forest Whitaker. Done.
10:54 Forest's really moved and that's sort of sweet if kind of unnerving. Does he have a stutter? Also, the eye thing is legitimate i hink. But I saw the movie and it really is amazing and he's really wonderful in it. That said, James McAvoy, who plays the young white doctor in the movie is gonna be huge when Atonement come out. I don't know when that is, probably December, but it's James and Keira Knigthley and it's based on this Ian McEwan book that's amzing and James McAvoy plays Robbie and I guarantee everyone will fall in love with him.
10:59 One more category and we're ll done...
11:00 Ahnuld presents Best Dramatic picture on crutches. He is my governor. Crazy.
11:01 BABEL! Total upset. This is crazy. It is a very international film, and maybe that's why the Hollywood Foreign Press went for it, but this could also signal a huge shift in the Oscar race. Or maybe Brad is just that hot. I don't know. I like that Alejandro Innarritu makes an Immigration papers joke. 1,200 worked on the movie. Baller.
One final comment: Where was Scarlett Johannson?! I missed her. I think she was trying to avoid an awkward moment with Justin and Cameron, but who has the boobs to replace her. It's like a gaping whole in my heart.
AND WE ARE OUT. It's been a pleasure.


Dan said...

Great blow-by-blow, That Girl! I especially like the Reese analysis- now that she's single, she's going for a sexy young look. I've been reading too much US Weekly. And good to know about the Walk of Fame...

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Please say you'll be back for the Oscars.

Mulatto Jesus said...

Pretty Good! My favorite parts were when a bunch of saliva flew out of that America girls mouth on her way up to stage, and the awkward, confused moments when that chick interviewed her after she got her award. Both very UGLY!

Rich said...

a rousing success indeed for That Girl! if we can find enough money in the Delino budget (donations welcome), i think the chances are pretty good that she'll be back...