Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A whirlwind tour of NYC with Cornelius VanderAL

Al came to New York this weekend for a night and we all had a grand time drinking, playing darts, and eating cupcakes.

Al informed me that now that he is a wildly successful poker player earning bucketfulls of money, he has decided to calculate his net worth not in Dollars but in Dan's Annual Salary (DAS).

He currently has 57 DAS. Whew, i thought it was worse. Only 56 more years to go and I'm caught up with you big guy! God bless America, this land of opportunity!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Britney's Chach

Location: Berger family living/dining room

Mom (looks up from New York Post): Hey Rich, what's the deal with that Britney Spears picture that everyone keeps talking about? They say she didn't wear underwear, but I'm not sure I believe that.
Rich (sitting on couch): Nope, it's true, I saw the picture.
Mom: Really? You think you can show it to me?
Rich: Um...I'd rather not. I think you get the idea. She wasn't wearing underwear and you could see everything. Isn't that enough?
Mom (now sitting at the computer): Well I'm gonna find it for myself then.
Dad (walks into the room): I just heard the end of the conversation, are you really gonna look for it?
Rich: Please don't...
Mom: This picture's got a star in front of it.
(Pause, Rich sobs silently)
Dad (leaning over Mom's shoulder): Oh wait, there it is, that's it right there. Well I guess they really did show everything, eh?
Mom (matter-of-factly): Yep, I guess they did.

Addendum:

I will NEVER mention Goatse.cx or Mr. Hands to them. EVER. I hope they don't read this post.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Delino SCOOP: Bush's State of the Union Address

Through some of our sources deep inside the White House, Delino got an advance copy of George W. Bush' State of the Union Address. Here is a look at the opening section:

George W. Bush: Good Evening, mah fellow Americans. Five and a half years have passed, but I want you to recall the horror of September the 11th, 2001. On that day, on that day 83 billion of our finest dollars were lost. They were good, decent, God-fearing dollars. Dollars like B39015717E from Chicago, and A41567843D from Boston. (tears are starting to well up in Bush's eyes) Dollars who coached basketball at the YMCA, who had dreams, who had families. With us here tonight are some of the victims' families - wife E95857763I from Richmond and her son, young E95834525I. Stand up, would ya? (cameras focus on the standing family) God, when I think of what those terrorists did, look at little E95834525I-ey, he's just a gosh darn kid... (the emotion is too much for Bush, he is bawling now) Ah can't... Ah just can't. (Cheney cradles Bush in his arms and rocks him to sleep, petting his hair all the while)

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Overheard in My Elevator

(Elevator door opens on Dan's floor)
(Eight 14-year-old boys are standing in the elevator, giggling)
14-year-old boy #1: Remember when he squeezed his ass-cheeks?

(Dan enters the elevator. Dan giggles along with the guys, not wanting to interrupt a moment)

14-year-old boy #2: We were talking about Nacho Libre.

Dan: Cool, that was a good movie.

14-year-old boy #2: What the fuck are you talking about, that was a terrible movie.

Dan: What?No - I know it was a bad movie I was just trying to be nice because I thought you liked it.

14-year-old-boy #2: This guy thought Nacho Libre was a good movie

(Elevator doors open)
(Dan runs out into the night as fast as possible)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

My Idea for a Sitcom has come true in real life

That's right, four Democratic Congressmen- 2 Senators and 2 Representatives, living together in a Washington row house. Hilarity ensues. The $$$ quote:

"Mr. Durbin began talking about meetings he had last month with the presidents of Bolivia and Ecuador on a Congressional delegation to Latin America. Then he and Mr. Schumer started arguing about Mr. Schumer’s refusal to make his bed."

Hat tip to STM.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Thing Itself

And here we go...

8:00 They go with the disco version of One Night Only from Dreamgirls, so they've got Beyonce singing. Trend of the next few months to watch for: awards shows and everyone else kowtowing to Beyonce and making sure to include her in every possible way so she doesn't get pissed that Jennifer Hudson's getting all the attention.
8:02 George Clooney presents Best Supporting Actress, so here comes J. Hud.
8:03 And I'm right. Also, I guarantee she's gonna cry. Sweet that she almost fell. I like Jake Gyllenhaal's version better. Is that weird? But I do like her dress a lot. Oh, her speech is actually really great and gracious. Now I have to like her even more. Fuck. I've seen Dreamgirls twice. Yikes. Miltron says: "She's pulling off big hair without overdoing it."
8:05 Hello Justin.
8:06 Both George and Justin go for the Leo joke. Sort of lame but they are both hot. Whoa, Justin didn't know Prince wasn't coming and got short to accept the award on his behalf. Justin is happy because everyone knows he banged Scarlett Johannson like a week ago. I'd be happy too. Too bad Prince already hates him and this will only make it worse. Maybe Prince and Cameron Diaz can start an "I hate Justin" club. Too bad they'll be the only members because everyone else loves him. I love Prince too though so it's chill.
8:11 Adrian Grenier and Eva Longoria present Jack Nicholson's daughter Lorraine, Ms. Golden Globe. Lucifer notes that Jack will probably fuck a girl his daughter's age this very evening. They also present the Supporting Actor in a TV show award. Jeremy Irons wins. He's one of my top old dudes I'd be willing to hookup with. And not just because he played Humbert Humbert. But in part it is. That's how dysfunctional I am.
8:14 Quick shot of the Golden couple. Lucifer forgives Angie's coldness because she's just that beautiful.
8:15 Best Actress in a TV show. Why is Patricia Arquette legitimately fat? Award goes to skinny, if somewhat aged, Kyra Sedgewick. She looks good though and I like her marriage to Kevin Bacon even though his face looks melted. Milton and Lucifer wonder what show she is on. Answer: The Closer, on TNT, so you're forgiven if you didn't know.
8:23 Naomi Watts showing clips of a best Pic nominated film. Miltron and I like her dress. Lucifer does not. All agree there are issues with the way it moves. she's shwing clips from Babel. This is one of the few movies I haven't see yet. what do people think of it?
8:25 Donald Trump makes a squinchy face when Renee Zellweger walks out. Donald, I agree. Renee, stop wearing Carolina Herrera, I love her too but it's Boring. Also, stop drinking so much so your face isn't so puffy. We went over this last year.
8:27 Will Ferrel has big hair.
8:28 Every time a hot chick like Jessica Biel comes out, wait for the reaction shot from Justin deciding if wants to bang her or not.
8:29 I love Srah Paulson and I love Studio 60 and I don't care who knows it.
8:29 Emily Blunt, Gideon's Daughter. Many people turn to someone else and ask who she is. She dates Michael Buble. She has a hot lesbian love scene in "My Summer of Love." Look out for that. I like her. She's smart and graceful and so skinny.
8:31 Cast of Heroes. Lucifer hates Hayden Panettiere. So do I. She's fucking 17.
8:32 Hugh Laurie, House, Best Actor in a TV show. Residual Ian McShane love makes me hate him, now and forever.
8:35 Hilary Swank, you may win awards, but you're still a horseface. Also, a star on he Hollywood Walk of Fame is not a big deal. My dad has one so I know for a fact that a studio buys it for 15,000 dollars as a way of garnering publicity. Hello, Freedom Writers.
8:40 Charlie Sheen introduces his brother's movie. Too bad they have different last names. Weird move. Also, I nominate Bobby as the movie the Globes like that the Academy will totally ignore.
8:42 Steve Carell presents a new award. Animated Film. I saw Cars. I liked it. Bonnie Hunt is way hotter as a Porsche than a person.
8:45 Miltron notes that Sheryl Crow has totes had work done.
8:45 Joaquin Phoenix is so sexy. But how bout a movie?
8:46 Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical. Who didn't know Meryl Streep was gonna win? Also, did you know she's gonna play the Mom in Mamma Mia, the Movie?! So that just went from a movie I made a face about to a movie I have to see.
8:48 Miltron: "Reese went so youthful with her hair. I could talk about it for hours." We focus on Meryl, who gives a great, if long, speech. Miltron: "Reese came out guns blazing. This is a big, big statement." Also, big of Meryl to tell people to ask to see the little movies that most theaters don't play. EVERYONE LOVES MERYL STREEP.
8:53 Miltron: "Wow. I am shocked. Never would I have thought Reese would have gone long and straight like that."
8:55 Ben Stiller. How do your movies make so much money?! Seriously.
8:56 Borat. Fuck the backlash. I still love it. I saw it in England and there were four 80 year olds on a double date in front of me. They loved it too.
8:57 Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz totally go down on each other as often as they can. I'm not even kidding. Also, Bandidas is going straight to DVD. Rough.
8:58 Elizabeth I wins for best Miniseries/TV Movie. Don't ask me why, but I love movies with the name Elizabeth in the title.
9:00 Wait a minute?! Prince is there? So what happened earlier. Expect this to become a big deal. Also, yay for Eddie Murphy. Jimmy, got soul, JIMMY GOT SOUL, Jimmy likes to fuck, men, in the ass. Fo reals. But he really is so good in the movie. You know, when he's not sleeping with men.
9:07 SJP. Lucifer says she looks boring. I say she looks great. But, botox, perhaps? Like a lot probably, because, I mean, most people age. With wrinkles and stuff.
9:08 Sienna Miller looks stupid. And it's embarassing when people say you're gonna be an Oscar contender and then your movie doesn't come out in time because it needs reshoots, and then your nude scenes get released on the internet and thereby kill any desire people might have had to see said movie when it does eventually get released in theaters anyway.
9:11 Embarassing, but Bill Nighy is another old guy I would totally do it with.
9:12 Is Helen Mirren gonna win twice tonight? Sure seems like it. And her tits looks great. Not even just for an old lady, just generally great tits. Yay for girls with big boobs! Even as we get old. Hell, I'm almost 23, and I want to kill myself.
9:18 Cameron Diaz. Can we have an awkward moment with Justin please? Hate the dress, the hair, and the makeup. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Miltron likes it, but Lucifer agrees with me. Everything else aside, I love The Departed.
9:19 Jake Gyllenhaal is so much hotter than horseface. I love that they give him the screenwriting category becuase he's the smart girls' hottie. And I knew Peter Morgan would win for The Queen. He says he can't believe it. Also, hello, first political speech of the night. Good on you Peter Morgan. Too bad he backed off as soon as they said wrap up, what about your conviction loser?
9:22 Alec Baldwin vs. Steve Carell? Who's gonna take it?
9:23 Alec Baldwin. I had a feeling. Let's see what he does with it...
9:24 Lucifer: "I don't care about this. Do you care about this?" Alec, sort of weird of you to mention a hernia operation. My brother had one when he was 8. Miltron too actually, like, a really low one.
9:29 Geena Davis is so much taller than James Woods. Best TV Comedy goes to...better be the Office...or Weeds...
9:30 BOOO! Fuck Ugly Betty. Though I did hook-up with someone who's been on it. Leave it to all you readers to figure out who. Lcifer inssts I say that I'm happy for Salma and America. I'll say I'm happy for Salma's boobs onscreen. But I did love America Ferrera in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.
Lucifer: "Say you like her"
Miltron: "No, I won't, she's fat."
Lucifer: "Well, you know what she said about you?"
Miltron: "What?"
Lucifer: "You could lose a couple."
9:35: I LOVE DREAMGIRLS. I can't help it. But weird of Jamie Foxx not to shout out Beyonce or Jay-Z.
9:36 Sharon Stone looks haggard. Djimon Hounsou looks hot and dark.
9:37 Letters From Iwo Jima wins best Foreign Film. Sort of weird that Clint Eastwood's American but it wins for foreigner's film. They do know he's American right?
9:47 I went to the bathrroom and now I don't what category it is. Fuck. But Hugh Grant's funny and The Painted Veil won something.
9:49 Jennifer Love Hewitt's dress is shockingly ugly. TV Comedy Actress. Miltron believes Mary Louise-Parker, who we love, hasn't eaten in awhile. America Ferrera wins. Newcomers always do in this category. She's crying. She's proud o bring a new face to television. By that, she means a semi-fat, but still pretty face. A truly fat and actually ugly face has yet to come to your homes, and probably never will.
9:58 Tom Hanks to honor Warren Beatty wit the Lifetime Achievement Award. Warren Beatty is my favorite. In just about everything. Did you see Splendor in the Grass. Hot. Bonnie and Clyde. Hotter. Shampoo. Hottest. Reds. The movie may have been too long but he was still hot. Tom Hanks is also way funnier and cooler than people give him credit for. If you don't believ me, watch Punchline. But fuck, Warren Beatty. If I could go back in time and try to hook up wih anybody when they were hot and young, he might be it. Annette Bening caught the White Whale. All hail Warren and Annette.
10:12 Warren is being so funny with all the old actors. And he promises to make another movie. Good. Also, I want to hook up with him. Did I say that already?
10:22 Dustin Hoffman presenting Little Miss Sunshine. I saw Dustin on the street in London just waiting to be recognized. I rcognized him but I was just hoping his kids were around because we're friends and when they weren't I kept on my merry way. That said, I really loved Little Miss Sunshine.
10:24 Steven Spielberg presenting Best Director. They're getting to the biggies now...
10:24 Scorsese wins. Fuck yes he does. Also, I am drunk.
10:25 It is a heck of a time.
10:26 Leo and Martin are so hot together. When he goes through the cast, you realize just how ridiculous it was. Every good actor is in it.
10:28 Reese's dress is cocktail length. I love when they say the whole title of Borat.
10:28 Sascha Baron Cohen wins for Borat! Sick! Also, Reese wins for best looking chick of the night. Sascha Baron Cohen is so hot in real life. So is Isla Fisher. Everyoe there is drunk at this point, and they are eating it up.
10:36 Dane Cook, you got me through one awkward road trip with Miltron and the Acyual God, but other than that, I hate you. I did like Thank You For Smoking though.
10:37 Hello J. Lo. Best Musical Comedy. Will Borat take it?
10:37 DREAMGIRLS!!!! If we hang out soon, I'll sing a song for you. Really, I promise.
10:43 Arquettes are so cute, but FUCK GREY'S ANATOMY! Lucifer loves it but she's the only one of our group. I liked hearing the guy go "20 seconds! 20 seconds!" before the show runner even started.
10:45 Philip Seymour Hoffman presents Best Actress in a Drama, so here comes Helen Mirren...
10:46 And I'm right again. If I put my balls out, I'm gonna be right, just so you know. Lucifer proposes that she's had a lift, and as I consider it, I think she's probably right. By the by, as soon as I'm done breast-feeding my second or third kid, as the case may be, I'm definitely getting a boob lift.
10:53 Leo vs. Leo. And others. Forest Whitaker. Done.
10:54 Forest's really moved and that's sort of sweet if kind of unnerving. Does he have a stutter? Also, the eye thing is legitimate i hink. But I saw the movie and it really is amazing and he's really wonderful in it. That said, James McAvoy, who plays the young white doctor in the movie is gonna be huge when Atonement come out. I don't know when that is, probably December, but it's James and Keira Knigthley and it's based on this Ian McEwan book that's amzing and James McAvoy plays Robbie and I guarantee everyone will fall in love with him.
10:59 One more category and we're ll done...
11:00 Ahnuld presents Best Dramatic picture on crutches. He is my governor. Crazy.
11:01 BABEL! Total upset. This is crazy. It is a very international film, and maybe that's why the Hollywood Foreign Press went for it, but this could also signal a huge shift in the Oscar race. Or maybe Brad is just that hot. I don't know. I like that Alejandro Innarritu makes an Immigration papers joke. 1,200 worked on the movie. Baller.
One final comment: Where was Scarlett Johannson?! I missed her. I think she was trying to avoid an awkward moment with Justin and Cameron, but who has the boobs to replace her. It's like a gaping whole in my heart.
AND WE ARE OUT. It's been a pleasure.

You Know What Time It Is...

It's awards show time!

That means the return of me, That Girl, to give you wee bits of insider info and a whole lot of semi-sapphic enthusiasm for the finer specimens of my sex. Also, some hard-core hating of the ones I don't like. I have here with me this evening Lucy "Lucifer herself" Michel and Kyle "Miltron 3030" Miller to help and chirp in. Back in a few for some live-blog coverage of the Golden Globes, brought to you by the good men of Delino Deshields. If you're lucky, a few of your favorite Bergers may pop in. So stay tuned...

First, a pre-show observation. Keep in mind, I am full of two-buck chuck right now. Thank you Trader Joe's.
Everyone's talking about how sour Angelina was, and yeah she didn't talk much, but it's fucking Ryan Seacrest, and Brad's there to be congenial, so who give's a fuck? Also, all day blogs have been saying she's not happy with her dress and the good people of St. John were working to the last minute to make her happy, and I think she looked hot, but she was probably pissed that all the dress drama got out, or at least the St. John people were. My more generous thinking aside, Miltron says she's an ice-princess bitch and Lucifer wonders why someone with a hot guy on her arm can't be bothered to say two fucking words, so there you have it.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Overheard in New York

at the entrance to a bar on the Lower East Side:

Hipster-looking Bouncer: Word is that Gisele is coming here later tonight.

Dowdier-looking Bouncer: Cool, cool. So, is she gonna be bringing an ID? Because sometimes those celebrity types don't carry a wallet or anything.

Hipster-looking Bouncer: You don't fucking ID GISELE!

Dowdier-looking Bouncer: Right, no, of course not, I mean, yeah... (trails off)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Buying WASPy clothing

There is a general rule I live by when buying WASPy clothing and that is this- don't buy anything that would make you want to beat yourself up if you wore it. Here is where I drew the line today:

Friday, January 12, 2007

Job Market

If anyone out there, like me, is looking for a job, I would highly recommend that they do not use Monster.com. Basically, here is what happened when I searched for a job on Monster.com:

I click "government and policy" as the category, hoping to find a think tank job
--> The jobs listed are "Engineer -- U.S. Army," "Truck Driver-- U.S. Air Force"

I click "marketing" as the category, hoping to find an advertising agency job
--> The jobs listed are "Recruiter -- U.S. Marines," "Ad Specialist -- U.S. Army"

So I click "Entertainment" as the category, figuring this has got to have some jobs I want
--> The first job is "Executive Assistant -- Disney, Inc."- Maybe not my thing, but fair enough at least it's in the civilian sector.
The next job is "Administrative Assitant -- Fox News Corp." - Again, close, but not quite there.
Then the next job is "You like entertaining? How about ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS! -- U.S.O."

Tired of the military shills at Monster.com, I decided I'd look around for some jobs where I would tele-commute from home. Then I remembered from my past experience during an internship i had last winter that basically a day of tele-commuting goes like this:
-wake up at Noon
-strip down to t-shirt and boxers
-fire up the computer
-open work document
-minimize work document
-read blogs
-IM with Tom
-realize it's already 2PM
-order delivery food
-eat the food
-rub one out
-feel like shit because rubbing one out is what a chimp would do if he were in a lab experiment and the researcher told him to fill out an Excel spreadsheet
-fall asleep
-wake up at 5:30AM and hurriedly finish the work before real people's work day starts

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Delino Rumblings, Straight from the pages of VARIETY

New York, NY - According to Variety sources, a new short pic by Delino DeShields Productions is due to start shooting some time in late Jan. Pic will possibly be lensed by Nostradamus, if his cat is not sick that weekend. Pic based on a spec script by scribes Dan and Tom. Additional cast attached to the project included Eric and Rich (Beriched, 2006). No comments were available yet from anyone on the entire goddamned internet, ugh.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

This One's for Al

I was eating lunch with some of my fellow cruise-mates last week and the following conversation took place:

Classy Southern Lady (CSL): You know, I was on The Price is Right last year.

Dan: Oh wow, I bet that wheel was heavy, heh! Which game did you play?

CSL: I played the one where you guess the price of the car by moving the digits up or down 1. I was off by just a dollar!

CSL's Uncouth Southern Husband: Right before my wife went, this girl got to play Plinko- and she didn't know how the goddamn game worked! They had to re-film the thing four damn times.

CSL: Honey, please, we're at the lunch table.

CSL's Uncouth Southern Husband: I'm just saying, what a goddamn moron! Jesus Christ! Who the hell doesn't know how to play Plinko?

Monday, January 01, 2007

Chess Babe Playmate of the Year: Sophie Milliet

Sophie Milliet - Miss 2006; Miss January 2007

“The first symptom of love in a young man is shyness; the first symptom in a woman, it's boldness." -- Victor Hugo

Nationality: French
Birthday: November 2nd, 1983



Current FIDE rating: 2393
Highest rating achieved in database: 2394
Overall record: +39 -19 =26 (61.9%)

MOST PLAYED OPENINGS
With the White pieces:
Sicilian (17)
B22 B40 B23 B51 B42
French Advance (9)
C02

With the Black pieces:
Sicilian (15)
B22 B30 B33 B44 B35
Queen's Pawn Game (4)
A46 D04 D02
Petrov (4)
C42 C43

From Chess Base:

The 2002 champion Marie Sebag did not participate in this year's women's competition. The young Junior Sophie Milliet (2275) won it easily, her first title with a remarkable +7 =4. Apart from being the most attractive on the scene, Sophie was also the most spectacular on the board! Always playing for the win, she began her tournament with a perfect 5/5. The final result earned her a second WGM norm in Aix-les-Bains.